Recently, my husband and I took Z to the Dallas Arboretum to visit the stunning pumpkin village (which boasts over 65,000 pumpkins!) for my birthday. Throughout the day, I took little snippets of videos of him playing among the pumpkins and trying (unsuccessfully) to lift them and carry them. Later, while he slept, I used a fancy iPhone app to make a video montage of the day’s festivities. Then, I made a choice which has haunted me ever since: I showed him the video.
My son is obsessed with this video. If he sees me with my phone, he walks over and climbs up into my lap and signs “please.” His face lights up and he throws back his head and laughs every time the music starts and he sees the baby on the screen playing among the pumpkins. He’s gotten to the point where he knows when the video is almost over, and he looks at me and signs “More, please!” Usually, after the 9th or 10th viewing, I get to the point in which I’ve decided we’ve had enough and I say “okay, all done!” and he just wails.
Recently, he's been doing the same thing with two specific books that he just can't get enough of. The moment I'm done reading the last line, he closes the book and looks at me and signs "Please!" I think we read "The Jungle King" sixteen times yesterday afternoon alone.
Kids, man. Long after Mom or Dad has grown tired or bored from the activity, the kid is shouting or gesturing for “More, please!” I was laughing about this with my husband during one particularly epic meltdown (because what can you do other than laugh sometimes?), when I remembered a quote a friend had posted on his Facebook page (emphasis mine):
“Because children have abounding vitality, because they are in spirit fierce and free, therefore they want things repeated and unchanged. They always say, "Do it again"; and the grown-up person does it again until he is nearly dead. For grown-up people are not strong enough to exult in monotony. But perhaps God is strong enough to exult in monotony. It is possible that God says every morning, "Do it again" to the sun; and every evening, "Do it again" to the moon. It may not be automatic necessity that makes all daisies alike; it may be that God makes every daisy separately, but has never got tired of making them. It may be that He has the eternal appetite of infancy; for we have sinned and grown old, and our Father is younger than we.” - G.K. Chesterton, Orthodoxy
The entire quote speaks to me on a spiritual level, of course, but I have often found spiritual lessons in my daily interactions with my son. The absolute delight he finds in an activity or a moment does not diminish with repetition. On the contrary, he finds a new joy with each repetition! Remember when we were children, how we used to rewind our VHS tapes over and over to watch our favorite part of a movie? Goodness, when did we outgrow that? When did we start to lose our “abounding vitality” and our fierce, free spirit?
As adults, we all too often rush through our day and the many things that need to be accomplished. Even the moments that have the potential to stop us in our tracks only give us pause for a moment because there’s always a schedule to keep, a meeting to go to, a lesson to plan, a deadline to meet.
Recently, I was walking across the college campus where I work on my lunch hour. I had music playing in my headphones and it was a beautiful, breezy and sunny day. I was soaking up all the Vitamin D I could before going back to my cubicle. All in one beautiful moment, the music in my ears reached a soaring chord and the wind blew my hair back from my face. Without thinking, I threw back my head, spread my arms wide and laughed with the pure joy of the moment, without worry or care as to who saw me or how foolish I looked..
After that brief, joyful moment passed, my son’s face entered my mind. I thought of how each moment and each new thing that he has discovered and encountered in his 16 months of life has been filled with that kind of joy and wonder. Therefore why shouldn’t he want to experience it over and over and over again? I know it’s easier for him than it is for us, but perhaps I should take a lesson from my son and, in my opinion, from my Heavenly Father to actively seek delight in the monotony of everyday life.
I’m realistic; I know that it isn’t going to happen every day. But perhaps I can strive to get to a point where I find such joy in the minute differences in the monotony of the daily routine that I can look up, smile, and say “More, please!” I think it’s worth a try.
Showing posts with label BabyMonster. Show all posts
Showing posts with label BabyMonster. Show all posts
November 17, 2014
October 1, 2014
::guest post:: Wearing My Confidence on my Back
Today, I am featured as a guest blogger at Mamas in Pajamas. Read the full post here.
Before I had Z, I had all these Big Plans. While pregnant, I wrote out med-free birth plans, bought books about breastfeeding, researched cloth diapering and co-sleeping and baby-led weaning and, on a whim, purchased a Baby K’Tan wrap while doing some baby shower gift exchanges in Babies-R-Us. Babywearing was just another aspect of the Attachment Parenting philosophy I just knew I’d subscribe to as a new mom, but it wasn’t at the top of the list.
Of all of those things, only one ended up working out for me and my little family, and it was the last one...
Before I had Z, I had all these Big Plans. While pregnant, I wrote out med-free birth plans, bought books about breastfeeding, researched cloth diapering and co-sleeping and baby-led weaning and, on a whim, purchased a Baby K’Tan wrap while doing some baby shower gift exchanges in Babies-R-Us. Babywearing was just another aspect of the Attachment Parenting philosophy I just knew I’d subscribe to as a new mom, but it wasn’t at the top of the list.
Of all of those things, only one ended up working out for me and my little family, and it was the last one...
September 9, 2014
My Child is a Person, Not an Inconvenience
Last night, I (very unwisely) commented on the Facebook status of a friend who posted something that basically said, "I'm really glad school is back in session so that I can run my errands in peace and quiet. I'm sure YOUR child would NEVER behave poorly but I'm glad to not have to be around those that do." The mama bear claws came out and I snarked back, "Well make sure you get them all done before the weekend, because we have to run our errands some time, and we'd hate for our brats to ruin your Saturday!"
In retrospect, I should have kept my mouth shut. I've never been known to be someone who thinks before she types/speaks in every situation. I couldn't help but get defensive, though.
Listen, I get it. Kids aren't for everybody. Not everybody likes kids. Some parents only like their own kids. Sometimes kids can be jerks (I've called mine a punk before; I admit it), and some parents are negligent, choosing to scroll through their Instagram feed in the supermarket while their child empties a box of Lucky Charms onto the ground and stops all over the spilled cereal while singing some atrocity from a Bubble Guppies episode at top volume.
But I am so weary of my child-free/childless (which is PC these days?) friends complaining about children on social media sites. From the ever-popular "stuck on an airplane with a crying baby; great. #FML" to the more malicious and, in my opinion, unnecessary posts such as the one I saw last night.
I'll be the first one to like or comment on a post complaining about an incident such as the Lucky Charms one above. Get your face out of your phone and pay attention, ya know? But in most cases, I think we could all stand to show a little more compassion and understanding to two main truths:
1. A child is a person.
2. A parent is just trying to survive.
Your judgmental glares and rolled eyes and heavy sighs do nothing but exacerbate the problem and, more importantly, make the parents feel terrible and self-conscious. (Let me let you in on a little secret: we already feel self-conscious and think we're terrible!)
This past Saturday, I took my 14-month-old son with me to a brand new donut shop in town. I was carrying him in Fiona while I waited in a line that went out the door and almost to the street. The place was filled with families, hip-looking couples, and bleary-eyed college students grabbing a delicious box of snacks before heading to the morning football game. It was already a little noisy in there, but somehow (I mean I don't know from WHICH parent he gets this...::shifts in chair::) he managed to be louder than everyone. Not screaming. Not pitching a fit. Just saying "da DA! da DA! da! DA DA DA DA DAAAAAAAAAAAAA! da DA!" over and over again (and with great breath support and placement, if I may add) with a very serious and focused look in his eyes.
I tensed up automatically, bracing myself for the withering looks of other parents or rolled eyes of the way-cooler-than-me couple behind me, when the guy smiled at Z and started talking BACK to him. "No way!? Dude that's awesome. I KNOW RIGHT?" Z smiled and continued his chatter with a bit more gusto.
I caught the eye of the guy's lady-friend, and she smiled at me. I smiled back, my eyes saying a silent "thank you" to them both for understanding that he's just a kid, just figuring out his voice and his vocal abilities. Eventually he'll learn "inside voice," but for now he's just kind of exploring what he can do.
When a child is screaming on an airplane, I promise they aren't doing it to annoy you. How do you feel when you travel coach? I'll tell you how I feel: Uncomfortable. Tired. Grumpy. Hungry. My ears hurt during takeoff and landing. Guess what? That baby feels all those things, too. And the parents are feeling all of those things AND the panic and stress of flying with a small child.
When you're in the grocery store, thinking to yourself, "Those kids are crazy. They shouldn't have that many kids if they can't handle them," I promise you that the parents are doing the best they can to grab a few things for dinner or a school supply that one of them lost or forgot and probably mentally adding up everything they put into their basket, hoping they can afford it, while their tired, overstimulated and hungry children (who are not emotionally mature enough yet to just grit their teeth and bear it) slowly melt down.
Ask yourself -- how often have you, an adult, wanted to just sit in the middle of a grocery aisle and cry? How often have you wanted to throw your coffee cup on the ground in the middle of a meeting when you get upset? We don't because we're adults and we know that we have to act better, but at some point we, too, gave into those instincts as younger people.
Maybe you're reading this and shaking your head, thinking "teach them early!" But I want my child to be a child while he still can. I already feel my heart breaking when he bumps his head and I see him struggle with the decision on whether or not to cry. Even at 14 months old, some instinct is telling him not to show emotion and to just deal with it. Some day, he'll find himself in situations where he does need to tamp down his emotions until he's in an appropriate time and place to release them. But not now. Not yet.
Please be aware that I'm not just going to let my child throw tantrums and brush it off with an "Oh, isn't he precious?" smile. No. I'm going to be embarrassed and wondering what everyone is thinking about me and my parenting skills, and I'm going to mentally calculate whether or not he or I can both handle the extra 10 minutes it will take us to just FINISH the shopping trip or if it's best if I just leave the grocery cart on whichever aisle we're on and just get outta there.
But I am also not going to tell my child he should be seen and not heard. I want him to squeal with delight. I want him to sing the songs he learned that day at school. I want him to point and call out when he recognizes things. Your thoughts may not be heard, but your feelings are seen in every glare and every roll of your eyes and in every put-upon sigh.
I will do my best to comfort and discipline him when he inevitably melts down in public. But you know what would help me more than a judgmental look or whispered admonition? An offer to help me load my groceries into the trunk. A smile that says "It's okay, that's just babies being babies." Or, if kids really aren't your thing and you just don't get it and don't want to? Just put your headphones in and please stifle your sneering as best you can until I can get to my destination and out of your way.
I can promise that you and I BOTH are thinking about the glass of wine we'll pour as soon as we get home and get the chance to sit still. In the meantime, please give me (and my child) a little grace. I'm not asking you to love kids (or even like them) or have a few of your own. I just am asking for some grace.
In retrospect, I should have kept my mouth shut. I've never been known to be someone who thinks before she types/speaks in every situation. I couldn't help but get defensive, though.
Listen, I get it. Kids aren't for everybody. Not everybody likes kids. Some parents only like their own kids. Sometimes kids can be jerks (I've called mine a punk before; I admit it), and some parents are negligent, choosing to scroll through their Instagram feed in the supermarket while their child empties a box of Lucky Charms onto the ground and stops all over the spilled cereal while singing some atrocity from a Bubble Guppies episode at top volume.
But I am so weary of my child-free/childless (which is PC these days?) friends complaining about children on social media sites. From the ever-popular "stuck on an airplane with a crying baby; great. #FML" to the more malicious and, in my opinion, unnecessary posts such as the one I saw last night.
I'll be the first one to like or comment on a post complaining about an incident such as the Lucky Charms one above. Get your face out of your phone and pay attention, ya know? But in most cases, I think we could all stand to show a little more compassion and understanding to two main truths:
1. A child is a person.
2. A parent is just trying to survive.
Your judgmental glares and rolled eyes and heavy sighs do nothing but exacerbate the problem and, more importantly, make the parents feel terrible and self-conscious. (Let me let you in on a little secret: we already feel self-conscious and think we're terrible!)
This past Saturday, I took my 14-month-old son with me to a brand new donut shop in town. I was carrying him in Fiona while I waited in a line that went out the door and almost to the street. The place was filled with families, hip-looking couples, and bleary-eyed college students grabbing a delicious box of snacks before heading to the morning football game. It was already a little noisy in there, but somehow (I mean I don't know from WHICH parent he gets this...::shifts in chair::) he managed to be louder than everyone. Not screaming. Not pitching a fit. Just saying "da DA! da DA! da! DA DA DA DA DAAAAAAAAAAAAA! da DA!" over and over again (and with great breath support and placement, if I may add) with a very serious and focused look in his eyes.
I tensed up automatically, bracing myself for the withering looks of other parents or rolled eyes of the way-cooler-than-me couple behind me, when the guy smiled at Z and started talking BACK to him. "No way!? Dude that's awesome. I KNOW RIGHT?" Z smiled and continued his chatter with a bit more gusto.
I caught the eye of the guy's lady-friend, and she smiled at me. I smiled back, my eyes saying a silent "thank you" to them both for understanding that he's just a kid, just figuring out his voice and his vocal abilities. Eventually he'll learn "inside voice," but for now he's just kind of exploring what he can do.
When a child is screaming on an airplane, I promise they aren't doing it to annoy you. How do you feel when you travel coach? I'll tell you how I feel: Uncomfortable. Tired. Grumpy. Hungry. My ears hurt during takeoff and landing. Guess what? That baby feels all those things, too. And the parents are feeling all of those things AND the panic and stress of flying with a small child.
When you're in the grocery store, thinking to yourself, "Those kids are crazy. They shouldn't have that many kids if they can't handle them," I promise you that the parents are doing the best they can to grab a few things for dinner or a school supply that one of them lost or forgot and probably mentally adding up everything they put into their basket, hoping they can afford it, while their tired, overstimulated and hungry children (who are not emotionally mature enough yet to just grit their teeth and bear it) slowly melt down.
Ask yourself -- how often have you, an adult, wanted to just sit in the middle of a grocery aisle and cry? How often have you wanted to throw your coffee cup on the ground in the middle of a meeting when you get upset? We don't because we're adults and we know that we have to act better, but at some point we, too, gave into those instincts as younger people.
Maybe you're reading this and shaking your head, thinking "teach them early!" But I want my child to be a child while he still can. I already feel my heart breaking when he bumps his head and I see him struggle with the decision on whether or not to cry. Even at 14 months old, some instinct is telling him not to show emotion and to just deal with it. Some day, he'll find himself in situations where he does need to tamp down his emotions until he's in an appropriate time and place to release them. But not now. Not yet.
Please be aware that I'm not just going to let my child throw tantrums and brush it off with an "Oh, isn't he precious?" smile. No. I'm going to be embarrassed and wondering what everyone is thinking about me and my parenting skills, and I'm going to mentally calculate whether or not he or I can both handle the extra 10 minutes it will take us to just FINISH the shopping trip or if it's best if I just leave the grocery cart on whichever aisle we're on and just get outta there.
But I am also not going to tell my child he should be seen and not heard. I want him to squeal with delight. I want him to sing the songs he learned that day at school. I want him to point and call out when he recognizes things. Your thoughts may not be heard, but your feelings are seen in every glare and every roll of your eyes and in every put-upon sigh.
I will do my best to comfort and discipline him when he inevitably melts down in public. But you know what would help me more than a judgmental look or whispered admonition? An offer to help me load my groceries into the trunk. A smile that says "It's okay, that's just babies being babies." Or, if kids really aren't your thing and you just don't get it and don't want to? Just put your headphones in and please stifle your sneering as best you can until I can get to my destination and out of your way.
I can promise that you and I BOTH are thinking about the glass of wine we'll pour as soon as we get home and get the chance to sit still. In the meantime, please give me (and my child) a little grace. I'm not asking you to love kids (or even like them) or have a few of your own. I just am asking for some grace.
August 2, 2014
Fiona
This may come as a big surprise to you all, but...I'm kind of an emotional person.
I know.
But what can I say? I love traditions. I love meaningful things. I love "things" or mementos or treasures or articles of clothing that have a story tied to them. (Remember the Traveling Maternity Shirt?)
Enter Fiona.
"Who/what is Fiona?" you say?
Let me start at the beginning.
Back when I found out I was pregnant, I hesitantly joined The Bump, one of many choices for pregnancy websites. I found my Birth Month message board (June 2013) and kind of held it at arms length for a while. However, sharing a pregnancy with strangers who will delight in your ever-growing bump with you and get SUPER excited about milestones (V-day, etc.) when everyone in your life who isn't pregnant just kind of smiles and nods....it was nice to have that group.
Late in the pregnancy, a smaller group of us formed a Facebook group (I'd tell you our name, but then I'd have to kill you. The first rule about the June 2013 Moms Group is that you don't talk about the June 2013 Moms Group) and quickly began to get close to each other. We anxiously awaited each June baby (some decided to make early appearances!), and we were there for each other literally 24/7 (you'd probably not be surprised to hear that there were some middle-of-the-night WHY IS MY BABY STILL CRYING?! type posts) during those bleary-eyed newborn stages. We celebrated each milestone and, just recently, we celebrated and cried nostalgic tears with each other as we cheered each baby's first birthday and each Mama's first Birth Day celebration.
These women are amazing.
Now, back to Fiona.
As you may remember, I got pretty into babywearing, thanks in large part to these amazing women (I bought my first wrap from one of them, and have borrowed many more from others).
One of the traveling wraps was Fiona. Fiona is a woven wrap made by Pavo Textiles, and it's a fuchsia Etini. One of the June mamas sent Fiona traveling in order to break her in ("breaking in" means making the wrap softer and more easily wrapped with than it is brand new in the bag). MANY June mamas were on the list to play with Fiona for a week. I lucked out and got her just in time for Christmas:
I absolutely loved seeing Fiona's travels...knowing that this one wrap was carrying all of these babies. That women I had grown to love and trust were wrapping their cranky, sleepy, teething, clingy, lovey-dovey babies with the same wrap.
I mean seriously, though, isn't that kind of a beautiful thing??
Anyway, when Fiona returned home, she was offered for sale (with what we call "buyback dibs") by the owner. We all knew we wanted to keep Fiona in the "family." LONG STORY SHORT (too late), the owner and I spoke and she offered to split the wrap with me, and have two ring slings made by a professional converter.
Well...my half arrived today.
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As soon as I put Z (cranky, clingy and feverish as he gets over an ear infection) in the sling, he rested his head on my chest and sighed. I got huge tears in my eyes and was barely able to snap this picture before I got ugly-cry-face going.
It's not just that it's a wrap. A beautiful one, at that. It's also that this wrap has carried many of the 2013 Junebugs. It's been lovingly re-folded and packed and shipped all over the U.S.
And...if I'm being honest...it's also that the owner was willing to do this for me on a payment schedule that works for us. I'm lucky to have one wrap at all, and it just isn't prudent for us to spend money on more when my beautiful Indio is so versatile for us.
...but she knew how much Fiona means to me. She knows I'm one of the sappiest people ever, and her generosity, patience and kindness make me get all teary all over again.
I don't have many and will probably never have a large wrap stash. But the ones I have are definitely perma-stash. They will be in my home long after my baby (babies, possibly...some day) is past the wrapping years. Because they mean a lot to me, and they carry stories as well as babies.
Welcome home, Fiona. We'll do you proud.
.JPG)
I know.
But what can I say? I love traditions. I love meaningful things. I love "things" or mementos or treasures or articles of clothing that have a story tied to them. (Remember the Traveling Maternity Shirt?)
Enter Fiona.
"Who/what is Fiona?" you say?
Let me start at the beginning.
Back when I found out I was pregnant, I hesitantly joined The Bump, one of many choices for pregnancy websites. I found my Birth Month message board (June 2013) and kind of held it at arms length for a while. However, sharing a pregnancy with strangers who will delight in your ever-growing bump with you and get SUPER excited about milestones (V-day, etc.) when everyone in your life who isn't pregnant just kind of smiles and nods....it was nice to have that group.
Late in the pregnancy, a smaller group of us formed a Facebook group (I'd tell you our name, but then I'd have to kill you. The first rule about the June 2013 Moms Group is that you don't talk about the June 2013 Moms Group) and quickly began to get close to each other. We anxiously awaited each June baby (some decided to make early appearances!), and we were there for each other literally 24/7 (you'd probably not be surprised to hear that there were some middle-of-the-night WHY IS MY BABY STILL CRYING?! type posts) during those bleary-eyed newborn stages. We celebrated each milestone and, just recently, we celebrated and cried nostalgic tears with each other as we cheered each baby's first birthday and each Mama's first Birth Day celebration.
These women are amazing.
Now, back to Fiona.
As you may remember, I got pretty into babywearing, thanks in large part to these amazing women (I bought my first wrap from one of them, and have borrowed many more from others).
One of the traveling wraps was Fiona. Fiona is a woven wrap made by Pavo Textiles, and it's a fuchsia Etini. One of the June mamas sent Fiona traveling in order to break her in ("breaking in" means making the wrap softer and more easily wrapped with than it is brand new in the bag). MANY June mamas were on the list to play with Fiona for a week. I lucked out and got her just in time for Christmas:
I absolutely loved seeing Fiona's travels...knowing that this one wrap was carrying all of these babies. That women I had grown to love and trust were wrapping their cranky, sleepy, teething, clingy, lovey-dovey babies with the same wrap.
I mean seriously, though, isn't that kind of a beautiful thing??
Anyway, when Fiona returned home, she was offered for sale (with what we call "buyback dibs") by the owner. We all knew we wanted to keep Fiona in the "family." LONG STORY SHORT (too late), the owner and I spoke and she offered to split the wrap with me, and have two ring slings made by a professional converter.
Well...my half arrived today.
As soon as I put Z (cranky, clingy and feverish as he gets over an ear infection) in the sling, he rested his head on my chest and sighed. I got huge tears in my eyes and was barely able to snap this picture before I got ugly-cry-face going.
It's not just that it's a wrap. A beautiful one, at that. It's also that this wrap has carried many of the 2013 Junebugs. It's been lovingly re-folded and packed and shipped all over the U.S.
And...if I'm being honest...it's also that the owner was willing to do this for me on a payment schedule that works for us. I'm lucky to have one wrap at all, and it just isn't prudent for us to spend money on more when my beautiful Indio is so versatile for us.
...but she knew how much Fiona means to me. She knows I'm one of the sappiest people ever, and her generosity, patience and kindness make me get all teary all over again.
I don't have many and will probably never have a large wrap stash. But the ones I have are definitely perma-stash. They will be in my home long after my baby (babies, possibly...some day) is past the wrapping years. Because they mean a lot to me, and they carry stories as well as babies.
Welcome home, Fiona. We'll do you proud.
July 25, 2014
Glory Moments
I am a working mom.
I always knew I would be.
I can definitely see myself standing under that bizarre umbrella that is "an introvert with extroverted tendencies," I need my time at home and I need to get out of the house sometimes. I want to work, and I want to be proud of what I do. I want Z to be proud of me, too!
I'm lucky. I truly, truly am. I leave him every day at one of the best childcare facilities in our city and he is loved! His classmates smile and clap and make squeals of delight when they see him. His teachers call out his name in hearty greeting. He spends the day learning and playing and comes home filthy and happy and more confident. His teachers hug me when I tearfully ask them not to tell me when/if he takes his first steps there instead of at home...and they promise me that, as far as they are concerned, all milestones happen at home.
But still. It's so hard sometimes. This week in particular, I've become acutely aware of just how little time I (and millions of other working moms) get to spend with him on a normal weekday. Half an hour to an hour in the morning, and 2/2.5 hours tops between pick-up and bedtime.
So we fill that time with hugs and giggles and stolen kisses (he's so busy; it's hard to catch him!) and songs and bath time and storybooks.
My time with my family is so precious. I know there are silver linings in every dark cloud. While I may not be feeling particularly...fulfilled, professionally these days, I am definitely made more aware of every. single. moment. with my family. In our short times together during the week and especially on the weekends.
A daily devotional I read calls them "glory moments." Moments of gratitude and wonder and thankfulness. These moments are what I live for, and they're what get me through every day.
Nothing is permanent; I know things can and will change. But this week has been harder than usual. And these last couple of months of transition and change have taught me that I have to find the joy where I can and not allow the frustration or the negativity to rule me. (I'm being vague, but I have to be. It's the smart, grown-up thing to do, right? RIGHT?)
The good news is, these moments are usually pretty easy to find...
The joy lives with me, with these two guys in my life. The little one smiles and pats my face, and the bigger one holds me and tells me he supports me no matter what.
It's the glory moments that get me through....that fill in all the little cracks and holes between Monday at 8am and Friday at 5pm.
And they are wonderful.
I always knew I would be.
I can definitely see myself standing under that bizarre umbrella that is "an introvert with extroverted tendencies," I need my time at home and I need to get out of the house sometimes. I want to work, and I want to be proud of what I do. I want Z to be proud of me, too!
I'm lucky. I truly, truly am. I leave him every day at one of the best childcare facilities in our city and he is loved! His classmates smile and clap and make squeals of delight when they see him. His teachers call out his name in hearty greeting. He spends the day learning and playing and comes home filthy and happy and more confident. His teachers hug me when I tearfully ask them not to tell me when/if he takes his first steps there instead of at home...and they promise me that, as far as they are concerned, all milestones happen at home.
But still. It's so hard sometimes. This week in particular, I've become acutely aware of just how little time I (and millions of other working moms) get to spend with him on a normal weekday. Half an hour to an hour in the morning, and 2/2.5 hours tops between pick-up and bedtime.
So we fill that time with hugs and giggles and stolen kisses (he's so busy; it's hard to catch him!) and songs and bath time and storybooks.
My time with my family is so precious. I know there are silver linings in every dark cloud. While I may not be feeling particularly...fulfilled, professionally these days, I am definitely made more aware of every. single. moment. with my family. In our short times together during the week and especially on the weekends.
A daily devotional I read calls them "glory moments." Moments of gratitude and wonder and thankfulness. These moments are what I live for, and they're what get me through every day.
Nothing is permanent; I know things can and will change. But this week has been harder than usual. And these last couple of months of transition and change have taught me that I have to find the joy where I can and not allow the frustration or the negativity to rule me. (I'm being vague, but I have to be. It's the smart, grown-up thing to do, right? RIGHT?)
The good news is, these moments are usually pretty easy to find...
The joy lives with me, with these two guys in my life. The little one smiles and pats my face, and the bigger one holds me and tells me he supports me no matter what.
It's the glory moments that get me through....that fill in all the little cracks and holes between Monday at 8am and Friday at 5pm.
And they are wonderful.
July 3, 2014
Z at ONE YEAR!
You guys, I have a one-year-old.
I don't have a newborn anymore. I don't have a toddler yet, either, but he seems too grown-up and smart to call an infant anymore, either, so I'll just stick with what I'll probably call him for the rest of his life: my baby. My little boy.
On Monday, this little guy turned ONE YEAR OLD.
We had an awesome Rainbow Connection/Muppet-themed birthday party for him, and all our local family came and we had a great time.
Z LOVED his birthday smash cake, but he was MAD when we took it away (he seriously would have eaten the whole thing if we'd let him!)
Loves:
Every single day is a joy with him. I won't lie -- I was not a fan of the newborn stage. It was so hard. But man...the more he grows and the more mobile he gets and the more personality he shows us, the more FUN we have every day. Some days I could swear I have a different baby in the evening than I had just that morning!
Year #2 is bound to be even more exciting and joyful, and I cannot wait to continue to watch this sweet baby grow and learn...even if that means Mama sheds a few tears along the way.
Happy One Year to our darling, darling boy!
I don't have a newborn anymore. I don't have a toddler yet, either, but he seems too grown-up and smart to call an infant anymore, either, so I'll just stick with what I'll probably call him for the rest of his life: my baby. My little boy.
On Monday, this little guy turned ONE YEAR OLD.
We had an awesome Rainbow Connection/Muppet-themed birthday party for him, and all our local family came and we had a great time.
Z LOVED his birthday smash cake, but he was MAD when we took it away (he seriously would have eaten the whole thing if we'd let him!)
I won't even pretend like I didn't cry a LOT this weekend. Especially on Sunday night, the night before his first birthday, as I was giving him his nighttime bottle and holding him in my arms. I couldn't help but marvel in how much bigger and sturdier he felt in my arms than he did a year ago. How his features -- still rounded with that sweet baby fat -- are more distinct and how he's grown longer and leaner even in the past several months...
For some reason, it almost felt like the end of something...like I'd wake up the next morning and he'd be going to high school. Just the panic of a mother who feels like the last year went by in the blink of an eye, even though there were days (and nights...ohhhh the nights sometimes) that felt as though they'd never end.
I remember panicking on his first night at home because he wouldn't stop crying. He'd just eaten, but it didn't even occur to me that he might still be hungry. I remember the day Michael and I just passed him back and forth while he screamed for six hours because I'd been snacking on raw broccoli, and that upset his stomach with each bottle of breastmilk he got.
I remember the pain and struggle of breastfeeding and the months of recovery (physical and emotional) and it seems like a lifetime ago as I watch him laugh and make a HUGE mess out of everything he eats.
I watch him take so much joy in watching ME smile and laugh when he hits a new milestone (rolling over, sitting up, pulling up, clapping, waving), as if he's saying "Watch me, Mommy! Oh isn't it cool that I can do this??"
I still love wearing him. He's much more comfortable on my back these days because he likes to look around, but sometimes those front snuggles are much needed for both of us. Babywearing has been an amazing part of this first year, and I cannot thank my "Fairy WrapMothers" enough for letting me try out so many different, beautiful wraps!
Right now, he can:
- Say "da da" and "ma ma" (he says the former MUCH more often than the latter, but it's happened a few times)
- Wave "hi" and "bye"
- Clap his hands when we say "Yay!" or "Good job!"
- Crawl so fast
- Pull up on everything. Will stand for VERY brief moments, but I don't think he realizes he's doing it.
- Shake his head "no"
- "Dance" to music
- Give kisses
Loves:
- Eating. He hasn't turned down a single thing we've offered him to eat! Lord help me when he's a teenager...
- The Mickey Mouse Clubhouse
- Going on adventures (walks) with Daddy and Carmen
- Playing with his stacking toy
- Baths
- Playing with/terrorizing the dog
Every single day is a joy with him. I won't lie -- I was not a fan of the newborn stage. It was so hard. But man...the more he grows and the more mobile he gets and the more personality he shows us, the more FUN we have every day. Some days I could swear I have a different baby in the evening than I had just that morning!
Year #2 is bound to be even more exciting and joyful, and I cannot wait to continue to watch this sweet baby grow and learn...even if that means Mama sheds a few tears along the way.
Happy One Year to our darling, darling boy!
June 20, 2014
Catching Up
I'm laughing at how long it's been since I've posted an update here. What can I say? It's the old parenting cliché of "too much to do, too little time," and it's totally accurate. The monthly updates are just too hard to keep up with because Z is becoming hard to keep up with. This kid, you guys...wow. It seems like he went from pet rock baby to crawling faster than the speed of light just overnight. Obviously that's not how it happened, but with everything going on in life lately, that's how it seems.
As we approach his FIRST BIRTHDAY, though...
I wanted to give an update on my life–on me. Naturally there will be a ONE YEAR OMG post about Z some time in the next 10 days, but I'll dedicate this post to what you've missed (though you probably haven't actually missed them...) in my Mind and Body Update posts over the last seven months.
How appropriate that I am posting this one year to the day from my due date, which we all now know was a giant joke! Here's a flashback:
Body
I went ahead and got the Mom Chop back in February. Best decision ever. I haven't regretted it once.
As for my weight, well....I pretty much haven't changed at all since I lost most of the weight right after Z was born. Depending on my lifestyle and my level of activity, I'll fluctuate about 5lbs up or down, but there has been NO serious effort on my part to change that. I haven't minded at all, actually. I just don't care as much. I mean, I care about my health, obviously, and I want to be on this Earth for a long, long time. But I haven't cared in the vanity sense. I'm not unhappy with how I look. But I'm not all that thrilled about it either, all the time. I'm such a strange size right now, and I'm carrying all the weight in awkward places.
On Mother's Day weekend, I did the Run Like a Mother 5k race in Frisco with my friend Amanda. We took it at our own pace. Jogged some, walked some, but mostly spent much-needed time and fellowship together while our gaggle of boys waited for us at the finish line. We really had NO time to train, but it was good to get outside and be together, so we're hoping to train more seriously and do something fun, like a Color Run, together this fall.
I did my first full-length production since September of 2012 (more on that later) and I was slightly terrified of how I'd look in the photos (my husband's camera, my own selfie abilities, and being seen through the lens of those who love me is one thing...a professional photographer is a different thing alllllltogether) -- same thing with our family portraits we just had done. But again -- I didn't hate it. My body confidence is not even a Thing right now, which is completely foreign to me. And also very refreshing. I've just been too preoccupied with other things.
Work
Work is work. A lot of changes have happened lately that have me reevaluating my short- and long-term career goals, and how I feel about being a working mother has been clouded by some of these events. Some days I want to just walk out and struggle a little more financially so I can stay home with my son, who is reaching more and more milestones every single day. Other days I feel like I could run the country, knowing and trusting that my son is being watched by caregivers who truly love him like a relative would.
Theatre
As I mentioned above, I returned to the stage for the first time in a year and a half as the Adult Women in Spring Awakening, which was probably the most challenging acting role I've ever done. I had to play 5 very different characters, sometimes having only enough time to switch characters as it took for me to walk across the stage.
I have mixed feelings about this experience. On one hand, it completely changed how I viewed myself as an actress, which was an amazing feeling. I always threw away my acting abilities with comments such as "Oh, really I'm more of a singer..." or "I think I'm a better director than actor...I know how to coach someone into finding a character, but I don't feel like I do that well myself." But this show changed that, and I'm grateful for that. On the other hand, personally it was a struggle. I knew that my first full production process as a mother was going to be difficult, but I didn't fully realize just how hard parts of it would be. How the new, changed me would handle it. In some areas, I succeeded. In others, I failed. I don't want to go into details, but I feel very sad when I think about this production because some relationships I had were severely damaged and the potential for others to form was snuffed out before they even started. No matter what, though, I can use the experience as a tool to grow and change for the next time.
I'm finding new and exciting ways to be involved in my community that don't involve acting in a production.
For one, I'm now a member of a company I've always loved and have even performed with once!
We just chose productions for the company's 7th season and there's just a lot of cool stuff happening with Sundown (click here to keep up with us on behind-the-scenes stuff). Also, Z is a big fan:
I participated in my third Method and Madness Playwriting Competition and Festival just last month. As third-time director and first-time co-chair of the planning committee, I was a very, very busy girl. But it was a success, and I've officially been handed the reins to chair the committee for the next festival.
FINALLY, I was selected to direct for the DCT Black Box season in 2015, and I'll be directing one of my very favorite plays.
It's going to be an exciting 2014/15 theatre season for me, and I look forward to including my family and my son when and wherever possible.
Me, Myself, I
In this past almost-12 months, I have gone through a lot. Several crises of identity. Postpartum anxiety. Fear. Joy. Anxiety. Bliss. Growth. Exhaustion. Exhilaration.
Change.
Just like Z is hitting developmental milestones, so am I. So is my husband. We don't stop growing once we get all our teeth or once we can walk/run/go to school. We're changing; we're evolving and adapting and hitting our own milestones. This isn't exclusive to parents, either. I hit a moment of clarity the day my wonderful therapist (words I never thought I'd say) reminded me that adults still hit developmental milestones. They just aren't as concrete or as clearly defined.
The day you realize you don't have to say every single thing in your head.
The day you realize you're not immortal or invincible.
The day you see your parents in a whole new light.
The day you realize you can take control and charge in your own life.
The day you realize that you choose your reactions to your feelings.
I haven't hit all of those yet, and I'm on the journey still to others. But the biggest lesson I have learned in the past twelve months actually came from my child:
Be joyful. Enjoy every new thing. Delight in small things. See something for the first time all over again.
Recently, I was walking across campus, taking a much needed break from my desk. It was a beautiful day. The sun was shining and I had music in my ears. A beautiful gust of wind blew my hair back just as the song in my head reached a glorious chord, and I threw my arms out and laughed at the pure joy of it. That one moment of delight got me through the remaining hours until I picked up my son from daycare.
He has taught me -- us -- so much. I am changed but, like him, I am not done changing.
What an amazing year. I can't wait to share everything Z has done and accomplished in my next post, as I celebrate everything that is this wonderful, joyful, funny little guy. Stay tuned! I'll try not to be such a stranger!
As we approach his FIRST BIRTHDAY, though...
I wanted to give an update on my life–on me. Naturally there will be a ONE YEAR OMG post about Z some time in the next 10 days, but I'll dedicate this post to what you've missed (though you probably haven't actually missed them...) in my Mind and Body Update posts over the last seven months.
How appropriate that I am posting this one year to the day from my due date, which we all now know was a giant joke! Here's a flashback:
Body
I went ahead and got the Mom Chop back in February. Best decision ever. I haven't regretted it once.
As for my weight, well....I pretty much haven't changed at all since I lost most of the weight right after Z was born. Depending on my lifestyle and my level of activity, I'll fluctuate about 5lbs up or down, but there has been NO serious effort on my part to change that. I haven't minded at all, actually. I just don't care as much. I mean, I care about my health, obviously, and I want to be on this Earth for a long, long time. But I haven't cared in the vanity sense. I'm not unhappy with how I look. But I'm not all that thrilled about it either, all the time. I'm such a strange size right now, and I'm carrying all the weight in awkward places.
On Mother's Day weekend, I did the Run Like a Mother 5k race in Frisco with my friend Amanda. We took it at our own pace. Jogged some, walked some, but mostly spent much-needed time and fellowship together while our gaggle of boys waited for us at the finish line. We really had NO time to train, but it was good to get outside and be together, so we're hoping to train more seriously and do something fun, like a Color Run, together this fall.
I did my first full-length production since September of 2012 (more on that later) and I was slightly terrified of how I'd look in the photos (my husband's camera, my own selfie abilities, and being seen through the lens of those who love me is one thing...a professional photographer is a different thing alllllltogether) -- same thing with our family portraits we just had done. But again -- I didn't hate it. My body confidence is not even a Thing right now, which is completely foreign to me. And also very refreshing. I've just been too preoccupied with other things.
Work
Work is work. A lot of changes have happened lately that have me reevaluating my short- and long-term career goals, and how I feel about being a working mother has been clouded by some of these events. Some days I want to just walk out and struggle a little more financially so I can stay home with my son, who is reaching more and more milestones every single day. Other days I feel like I could run the country, knowing and trusting that my son is being watched by caregivers who truly love him like a relative would.
Theatre
As I mentioned above, I returned to the stage for the first time in a year and a half as the Adult Women in Spring Awakening, which was probably the most challenging acting role I've ever done. I had to play 5 very different characters, sometimes having only enough time to switch characters as it took for me to walk across the stage.
I have mixed feelings about this experience. On one hand, it completely changed how I viewed myself as an actress, which was an amazing feeling. I always threw away my acting abilities with comments such as "Oh, really I'm more of a singer..." or "I think I'm a better director than actor...I know how to coach someone into finding a character, but I don't feel like I do that well myself." But this show changed that, and I'm grateful for that. On the other hand, personally it was a struggle. I knew that my first full production process as a mother was going to be difficult, but I didn't fully realize just how hard parts of it would be. How the new, changed me would handle it. In some areas, I succeeded. In others, I failed. I don't want to go into details, but I feel very sad when I think about this production because some relationships I had were severely damaged and the potential for others to form was snuffed out before they even started. No matter what, though, I can use the experience as a tool to grow and change for the next time.
I'm finding new and exciting ways to be involved in my community that don't involve acting in a production.
For one, I'm now a member of a company I've always loved and have even performed with once!
We just chose productions for the company's 7th season and there's just a lot of cool stuff happening with Sundown (click here to keep up with us on behind-the-scenes stuff). Also, Z is a big fan:
I participated in my third Method and Madness Playwriting Competition and Festival just last month. As third-time director and first-time co-chair of the planning committee, I was a very, very busy girl. But it was a success, and I've officially been handed the reins to chair the committee for the next festival.
FINALLY, I was selected to direct for the DCT Black Box season in 2015, and I'll be directing one of my very favorite plays.
It's going to be an exciting 2014/15 theatre season for me, and I look forward to including my family and my son when and wherever possible.
Me, Myself, I
In this past almost-12 months, I have gone through a lot. Several crises of identity. Postpartum anxiety. Fear. Joy. Anxiety. Bliss. Growth. Exhaustion. Exhilaration.
Change.
Just like Z is hitting developmental milestones, so am I. So is my husband. We don't stop growing once we get all our teeth or once we can walk/run/go to school. We're changing; we're evolving and adapting and hitting our own milestones. This isn't exclusive to parents, either. I hit a moment of clarity the day my wonderful therapist (words I never thought I'd say) reminded me that adults still hit developmental milestones. They just aren't as concrete or as clearly defined.
The day you realize you don't have to say every single thing in your head.
The day you realize you're not immortal or invincible.
The day you see your parents in a whole new light.
The day you realize you can take control and charge in your own life.
The day you realize that you choose your reactions to your feelings.
I haven't hit all of those yet, and I'm on the journey still to others. But the biggest lesson I have learned in the past twelve months actually came from my child:
Be joyful. Enjoy every new thing. Delight in small things. See something for the first time all over again.
Recently, I was walking across campus, taking a much needed break from my desk. It was a beautiful day. The sun was shining and I had music in my ears. A beautiful gust of wind blew my hair back just as the song in my head reached a glorious chord, and I threw my arms out and laughed at the pure joy of it. That one moment of delight got me through the remaining hours until I picked up my son from daycare.
He has taught me -- us -- so much. I am changed but, like him, I am not done changing.
What an amazing year. I can't wait to share everything Z has done and accomplished in my next post, as I celebrate everything that is this wonderful, joyful, funny little guy. Stay tuned! I'll try not to be such a stranger!
February 27, 2014
Z at Seven Months
It's almost a month late, but it's NOT A MONTH LATE. Dumb short month giving me even less time to procrastinate than usual! Anyway...
MY BABY IS SEVEN MONTHS OLD.
Isn't he the CUTEST? I mean, I know everyone thinks their baby is beautiful, but I have it on excellent authority that mine is pretty darn gorgeous. Also adorable. And happy...SO happy!
Month 7 brought some big milestones for our little baby Z. He learned how to sit up unassisted:
And we started solid foods (purees and baby oatmeal) to great success. This kid will eat ANYTHING.
Month 7 also happened to be the month when I was able to snap what I think will be some of my very favorite pictures of him, ever. I've heard that these upcoming months before his first birthday (pause to panic...) are the BEST, and I truly believe it.
During month 7, Z also began to try to grab our food (sometimes I'll let him) and he started getting up on all fours and rocking back and forth...he's ready to be on the move!
We're still babywearing, though admittedly not as much these days. He'd much rather be on the ground and left to explore and go off in search of laptop cords and the dog's bowls. But we still wrap occasionally!
Play time with his parents and his big sister is still his favorite part of the day. He goes to bed so early in the evening that we don't get a lot of time together between work and sleepy time, but we make the most of it.
Bath time is much more of An Event, these days. He loves to play with (read: EAT) the rubber ducky, but he'll bang the other bath toys around sometimes, too. He's very interested in the faucet, and the sound that the water makes as it's going down the drain.
You guys, my little baby is turning into a real little boy...a little person. Bits of his personality are showing more and more every day. Sometimes he will finish his bottle and then offer it to me. Not wanting to be rude, of course I'll (fake) drink out of it, and he laughs big, belly laughs.
He loves music and he loves to be sung to. He especially thinks it's funny when Mommy plays the Disney Pandora station and sings along. Bonus giggles if she adds in choreography. (Don't judge!)
He is sleeping through the night only occasionally now. Mostly he just wakes up once, because he's starving. He eats, barely opening his eyes, and then goes right back down. Even if he doesn't go right back to sleep, he's perfectly content to jabber in his crib for a little bit before curling back into a little roly-poly, bottom high up in the air, and fall back asleep on his own.
He's...just awesome. I cannot be effusive enough in our love and joy that we have for this tiny little guy.
I can't wait to post about month 8, because SO many awesome things have been happening! Stay tuned!
MY BABY IS SEVEN MONTHS OLD.
Isn't he the CUTEST? I mean, I know everyone thinks their baby is beautiful, but I have it on excellent authority that mine is pretty darn gorgeous. Also adorable. And happy...SO happy!
 | |
| (he grabbed my iPhone and tried to eat it. Baby's First Selfie.) |
Month 7 brought some big milestones for our little baby Z. He learned how to sit up unassisted:
And we started solid foods (purees and baby oatmeal) to great success. This kid will eat ANYTHING.
Month 7 also happened to be the month when I was able to snap what I think will be some of my very favorite pictures of him, ever. I've heard that these upcoming months before his first birthday (pause to panic...) are the BEST, and I truly believe it.
 |
| Modeling his new amber teething necklace and mean muggin' |
 |
| Finger painting at school! |
 |
| Hangin' out with his cousin Addie |
 |
| Dear Lord, please PLEASE let him always love me like this... |
 |
| SWOON, right?! |
 |
| The two pieces of my heart. |
During month 7, Z also began to try to grab our food (sometimes I'll let him) and he started getting up on all fours and rocking back and forth...he's ready to be on the move!
We're still babywearing, though admittedly not as much these days. He'd much rather be on the ground and left to explore and go off in search of laptop cords and the dog's bowls. But we still wrap occasionally!
Play time with his parents and his big sister is still his favorite part of the day. He goes to bed so early in the evening that we don't get a lot of time together between work and sleepy time, but we make the most of it.
Bath time is much more of An Event, these days. He loves to play with (read: EAT) the rubber ducky, but he'll bang the other bath toys around sometimes, too. He's very interested in the faucet, and the sound that the water makes as it's going down the drain.
You guys, my little baby is turning into a real little boy...a little person. Bits of his personality are showing more and more every day. Sometimes he will finish his bottle and then offer it to me. Not wanting to be rude, of course I'll (fake) drink out of it, and he laughs big, belly laughs.
He loves music and he loves to be sung to. He especially thinks it's funny when Mommy plays the Disney Pandora station and sings along. Bonus giggles if she adds in choreography. (Don't judge!)
He is sleeping through the night only occasionally now. Mostly he just wakes up once, because he's starving. He eats, barely opening his eyes, and then goes right back down. Even if he doesn't go right back to sleep, he's perfectly content to jabber in his crib for a little bit before curling back into a little roly-poly, bottom high up in the air, and fall back asleep on his own.
He's...just awesome. I cannot be effusive enough in our love and joy that we have for this tiny little guy.
I can't wait to post about month 8, because SO many awesome things have been happening! Stay tuned!
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