::guest post:: Wearing My Confidence on my Back

Today, I am featured as a guest blogger at Mamas in Pajamas.  Read the full post here. 


Before I had Z, I had all these Big Plans.  While pregnant, I wrote out med-free birth plans, bought books about breastfeeding, researched cloth diapering and co-sleeping and baby-led weaning and, on a whim, purchased a Baby K’Tan wrap while doing some baby shower gift exchanges in Babies-R-Us.  Babywearing was just another aspect of the Attachment Parenting philosophy I just knew I’d subscribe to as a new mom, but it wasn’t at the top of the list.

Of all of those things, only one ended up working out for me and my little family, and it was the last one...

Fiona

This may come as a big surprise to you all, but...I'm kind of an emotional person.

I know.

But what can I say? I love traditions. I love meaningful things. I love "things" or mementos or treasures or articles of clothing that have a story tied to them. (Remember the Traveling Maternity Shirt?)

Enter Fiona.

"Who/what is Fiona?" you say?

Let me start at the beginning.

Back when I found out I was pregnant, I hesitantly joined The Bump, one of many choices for pregnancy websites.  I found my Birth Month message board (June 2013) and kind of held it at arms length for a while.  However, sharing a pregnancy with strangers who will delight in your ever-growing bump with you and get SUPER excited about milestones (V-day, etc.) when everyone in your life who isn't pregnant just kind of smiles and nods....it was nice to have that group.

Late in the pregnancy, a smaller group of us formed a Facebook group (I'd tell you our name, but then I'd have to kill you.  The first rule about the June 2013 Moms Group is that you don't talk about the June 2013 Moms Group) and quickly began to get close to each other.  We anxiously awaited each June baby (some decided to make early appearances!), and we were there for each other literally 24/7 (you'd probably not be surprised to hear that there were some middle-of-the-night WHY IS MY BABY STILL CRYING?! type posts) during those bleary-eyed newborn stages.  We celebrated each milestone and, just recently, we celebrated and cried nostalgic tears with each other as we cheered each baby's first birthday and each Mama's first Birth Day celebration.

These women are amazing.

Now, back to Fiona. 

As you may remember, I got pretty into babywearing, thanks in large part to these amazing women (I bought my first wrap from one of them, and have borrowed many more from others).

One of the traveling wraps was Fiona.  Fiona is a woven wrap made by Pavo Textiles, and it's a fuchsia Etini.  One of the June mamas sent Fiona traveling in order to break her in ("breaking in" means making the wrap softer and more easily wrapped with than it is brand new in the bag).  MANY June mamas were on the list to play with Fiona for a week.  I lucked out and got her just in time for Christmas:

I absolutely loved seeing Fiona's travels...knowing that this one wrap was carrying all of these babies. That women I had grown to love and trust were wrapping their cranky, sleepy, teething, clingy, lovey-dovey babies with the same wrap.

I mean seriously, though, isn't that kind of a beautiful thing??

Anyway, when Fiona returned home, she was offered for sale (with what we call "buyback dibs") by the owner.  We all knew we wanted to keep Fiona in the "family." LONG STORY SHORT (too late), the owner and I spoke and she offered to split the wrap with me, and have two ring slings made by a professional converter.

Well...my half arrived today.

As soon as I put Z (cranky, clingy and feverish as he gets over an ear infection) in the sling, he rested his head on my chest and sighed.  I got huge tears in my eyes and was barely able to snap this picture before I got ugly-cry-face going.

It's not just that it's a wrap. A beautiful one, at that.  It's also that this wrap has carried many of the 2013 Junebugs. It's been lovingly re-folded and packed and shipped all over the U.S.

And...if I'm being honest...it's also that the owner was willing to do this for me on a payment schedule that works for us. I'm lucky to have one wrap at all, and it just isn't prudent for us to spend money on more when my beautiful Indio is so versatile for us.

...but she knew how much Fiona means to me. She knows I'm one of the sappiest people ever, and her generosity, patience and kindness make me get all teary all over again.

I don't have many and will probably never have a large wrap stash. But the ones I have are definitely perma-stash.  They will be in my home long after my baby (babies, possibly...some day) is past the wrapping years.  Because they mean a lot to me, and they carry stories as well as babies.

Welcome home, Fiona.  We'll do you proud.

Z at ONE YEAR!

You guys, I have a one-year-old.

I don't have a newborn anymore.  I don't have a toddler yet, either, but he seems too grown-up and smart to call an infant anymore, either, so I'll just stick with what I'll probably call him for the rest of his life:  my baby.  My little boy.

On Monday, this little guy turned ONE YEAR OLD.

We had an awesome Rainbow Connection/Muppet-themed birthday party for him, and all our local family came and we had a great time.

Z LOVED his birthday smash cake, but he was MAD when we took it away (he seriously would have eaten the whole thing if we'd let him!)

I won't even pretend like I didn't cry a LOT this weekend.  Especially on Sunday night, the night before his first birthday, as I was giving him his nighttime bottle and holding him in my arms.  I couldn't help but marvel in how much bigger and sturdier he felt in my arms than he did a year ago.  How his features -- still rounded with that sweet baby fat -- are more distinct and how he's grown longer and leaner even in the past several months...

For some reason, it almost felt like the end of something...like I'd wake up the next morning and he'd be going to high school.  Just the panic of a mother who feels like the last year went by in the blink of an eye, even though there were days (and nights...ohhhh the nights sometimes) that felt as though they'd never end.

 

I remember panicking on his first night at home because he wouldn't stop crying.  He'd just eaten, but it didn't even occur to me that he might still be hungry.  I remember the day Michael and I just passed him back and forth while he screamed for six hours because I'd been snacking on raw broccoli, and that upset his stomach with each bottle of breastmilk he got.

I remember the pain and struggle of breastfeeding and the months of  recovery (physical and emotional) and it seems like a lifetime ago as I watch him laugh and make a HUGE mess out of everything he eats. 

I watch him take so much joy in watching ME smile and laugh when he hits a new milestone (rolling over, sitting up, pulling up, clapping, waving), as if he's saying "Watch me, Mommy! Oh isn't it cool that I can do this??" 

I still love wearing him.  He's much more comfortable on my back these days because he likes to look around, but sometimes those front snuggles are much needed for both of us.  Babywearing has been an amazing part of this first year, and I cannot thank my "Fairy WrapMothers" enough for letting me try out so many different, beautiful wraps!

Right now, he can:

• Say "da da" and "ma ma" (he says the former MUCH more often than the latter, but it's happened a few times)
• Wave "hi" and "bye"
• Clap his hands when we say "Yay!" or "Good job!"
• Crawl so fast
• Pull up on everything.  Will stand for VERY brief moments, but I don't think he realizes he's doing it.
• Shake his head "no"
• "Dance" to music
• Give kisses 

Loves:

•  Eating. He hasn't turned down a single thing we've offered him to eat! Lord help me when he's a teenager...
• The Mickey Mouse Clubhouse
• Going on adventures (walks) with Daddy and Carmen
• Playing with his stacking toy
• Baths
• Playing with/terrorizing the dog

Every single day is a joy with him.  I won't lie -- I was not a fan of the newborn stage.  It was so hard.  But man...the more he grows and the more mobile he gets and the more personality he shows us, the more FUN we have every day.  Some days I could swear I have a different baby in the evening than I had just that morning!

Year #2 is bound to be even more exciting and joyful, and I cannot wait to continue to watch this sweet baby grow and learn...even if that means Mama sheds a few tears along the way.

Happy One Year to our darling, darling boy!

Mind and Body Update

We're just going to go ahead and skip the "body" part of this because it's embarrassing to admit month after month that I'm not doing ANYTHING exercise-wise.  I find myself fighting a lot of long-time instincts to hurry up and get back to a certain size/weight, so I'm trying instead to just sloowwwww down and rejoice in the fact that I'm wearing my pre-pregnancy clothes, and that there is no rush.  I'm only 4.5 months postpartum, and I am not a celebrity.  There is no rush or expectation for me to look a certain way.

Eventually I'd like to get back into an exercise routine so I can not get so winded when I'm taking the stairs, but there's no hurry.  Because there are much more important things to talk about and focus on right now: the fact that I'm happy and feeling so confident!

You read that correctly: CONFIDENT.


Man, God has really been working on me in the last month and I just feel...freer. (That word looks really stupid ...MORE FREE. FREEDOM.  That's what I feel.)

I mentioned in an early blog post (that I'm too tired and lazy to go find for linking purposes) (probably about breastfeeding) how disappointed I was to not meet many of the expectations I set for myself while pregnant...mostly related to attachment parenting.  Breastfeeding didn't work out for me...I was too selfish about keeping my multiple blankets to try co-sleeping...and I was really awkward about babywearing for several months. But Michael and I both really wanted to try, so we started with the easy-to-use Baby K'Tan wrap:

Tiny 3-week old Z in the Baby K'Tan wrap

 
It can be very intimidating to start babywearing, and there is a whole other language associated with it: Woven. Ring sling. Mei Tai. Rebozo. Tails. Rails. Rucksack. Double hammock. Reinforced ruck. Tibetan tie. Nubs and slubs. Sleepy dust. FWCC.  Semi FWCC. Tied at shoulder.  Tied under bum.  Soft structured carriers. Crotch danglers. Wrap conversions. AND SO ON.

The babywearing community, just like any very passionate sect of the parenting community, can get really intense and judgmental, which can make it even more intimidating to start.  You'll see eye rolls and scoffs and snarky comments about "crotch danglers" and women who clutch their pearls at the thought of pushing their baby in a stroller. (I have a stroller. It's awesome.)

But the community can also be really really awesome! For example, I'm a part of a Moms group online that includes several babywearers.  As I got to know these women individually, I also saw that the babywearing community can be not only incredibly helpful, supportive, but also generous.  A couple of these awesome mamas loaned me some wraps to try other than my K'Tan, including a Ring Sling and a couple of woven wraps in different sizes (a Didymos Mermaid Indio and a Natibaby Notes), and those were super intimidating at first.

But with the help of YouTube, text/Facebook messages between the lenders and myself, and some awesome feedback from babywearing groups online, I'm getting much more confident!

Natibaby Notes, size 4. FWCC tied under bum.

In the ring sling at the pediatrician's office.

I've worn Z while vacuuming...

...and even experienced some of that elusive "sleepy dust!"

Didymos Mermaid Indio, size 6. FWCC.

As I got more confident in the role of Mommy, I got much more confident babywearing. The two are definitely linked.  There were times with those borrowed wraps that I just wanted to call it a day and give up.  But when it did work and I wasn't all sweaty and dealing with a thoroughly pissed off baby once wrapped...it was an incredible feeling!

Now I'm trying new carries when I can, and even getting brave and trying back carries:

Didymos Mermaid Indio, Ruck tied in front

I'm officially converted.  I love wearing Z, and I love experiencing the "babywearing high" that I've heard my mom friends talk about.  When I'm grocery shopping and wearing him in front, I talk to him the whole time. I ask him what kind of cereal I should get.  I tell him about how my day was.  I know it seems silly, but it's so amazing and natural to have him so close to me all the time when I'm wearing him!  He's close enough for me to kiss his head, and when he gets tired or overstimulated, he can just nestle down and go to sleep.

I feel confident and in control and close to my son all at the same time. Because I'm hands-free when I'm wearing him, I can actually get stuff done around the house (see above: vacuuming with baby). And he seems to really love it.  He fusses while I'm getting him wrapped up, but once he's secure, he looks around in wonder at the world around him and he's comfortable.

It's a glorious feeling.