It's not the Quinoa

I took the photo above (with the help of a friend, obviously) for the 7 Days project/group that I'm a part of over on Flickr, and in the past couple of days it's become more and more symbolic of what (I think) is going on in my life right now.

The intersection.

The specific intersection, and what those words mean to me: Ponder scripture.

Me, holding on (for dear life?).

Glancing upwards, and on unsteady ground (you can't tell from the photo, but my balance was precarious, especially in those heels).

The STOP sign.

Confused yet?  Allow me to back up...

During the end of rehearsals and the opening and run of the last show that I did, I started noticing that I was experiencing slight heart flutters, or palpitations. I have a heart rate testing app on my phone (ah, technology!), and I found that my heart rate wasn't particularly high or low; in fact, it was quite normal.  So I changed my description of this feeling to say "I'm just very aware of my heartbeat lately."  From those in whom I confided this slight worry, I got the following responses:

"You're pregnant, I bet." (Nope. Unless I just don't know it, but odds are against it currently.)
"You're just stressed out." (Well, always...at least a little. But really, things are going quite well for me!)
"You're not getting enough sleep." (Fact)

But it mysteriously went away over a long weekend spent feeling fairly relaxed and content.  The following Monday, I had some quinoa with my lunch (it's a recent obsession), and almost immediately I felt "very aware of my heartbeat" again.  OH OKAY IT'S THE QUINOA! I thought to myself.  So I did some googling, found that some food allergies/aversions can cause your chest to feel tight/constricted because it makes the lungs swell. That seemed logical.  So I decided to cut out the quinoa for a week or so, confident that would be the end of the heart flutters.

Cue a death in the family a week later (expected, but still very very sad), a high volume of work and deadlines at the office, everyday annoyances, and a lack of time to deal with everything the way it probably needs to be dealt with, and OH HEY IT'S BACK.

It's not the quinoa.

Look, I hate admitting that I'm having a hard time.  I'm terrified of sounding negative or whiny.  Who wants to post that they're just having a hard time dealing with regular life, when you know that post is going to show up right after a post about a 7-year-old kicking cancer's ass, or a woman undergoing chemo who still pours her LIFE into rescuing animals??  Put on your big girl panties and deal with it, Mandy, right?

Yeah, but...nobody expects me to be able to handle everything alone. I wasn't created to be alone. God doesn't want or expect me to handle these things alone.

"Therefore encourage one another and build each other up." 1 Thessalonians 5:11

So I posted on Facebook yesterday that I needed prayers (or, from those who don't choose to pray, pictures of puppies) because I was having a hard time not flying into a rage and/or bursting into tears.  You know, straws & camels backs, that whole thing... My friends came through for me and then some.

I have amazing friends and a husband to whom I can confess (without feeling silly) that I feel like I'm under a spiritual attack.  Work is hard -- but manageable.  Christine is gone -- but I have faith that I will see her again in Heaven. The choices I've made recently to better myself and my life mean that I am being prepared to fight on the Lord's team, and the Enemy doesn't like that.  Not. One. Bit.

So he (who does not deserve the capital "h") attacks where my insecurities lie.  Am I being a good friend? A good wife? Am I encouraging my husband?  Do my efforts to sound positive just come across as selfish and full of crap? Do my friends really like hanging out with me? Am I talented, or do I just think I am?  Are my efforts to implement new processes at work selfish, or do I truly want to help the greater good?  Did I tell Christine I loved her enough?  What if she never knew?  What if something happened to my spouse at such a young age?

(Gee, don't tell me you don't wanna pitch a tent inside MY brain lately, huh?)

I see email previews and my heart races.  I see "Hey honey, I don't mean to be...." and I fill it in with "...rude, but, I'm really upset that you've __________ or not done _________."  I get a work email that says "I just feel like I have to tell you....."  and I fill it in with "...you're really not ______ enough lately."  I have dreams that I've been cast in a show and everyone is prepared but me; and I get chastised publicly by a director.

It's not the quinoa.

And I need to be confident that it's okay and normal and beautifully, tragically human to feel this way.  And I'm encouraged and expected to confess and ask for help.  No, I'm not dying (any more than most of us are every day).  I'm healthy and I have the things I need.  But I need to learn to acknowledge that my feelings and fears are there and that they are valid, and then stop allowing them to control me.

"You will keep him in perfect peace, whose mind is stayed on You." Isaiah 26:3

So if you have a minute and don't mind...I'd love the prayers.  And if you made it through this entire post, go get yourself a cookie.  You earned it!

Fightin' the Forces

"For we are not fighting against flesh-and-blood enemies, but against evil rulers and authorities of the unseen world, against mighty powers in this dark world, and against evil spirits in the heavenly places." -- Eph. 6:12

Exhibits A and B above both were shown to me this morning between my Facebook and Twitter feeds, respectively.  George Takei posted the photo on his Facebook timeline, and something a friend tweeted reminded me about that Bible verse, so I went and looked it up. 

Lately, as artists are wont to do, I have struggled with the most ridiculous insecurity. It's not coming from anything specific...nobody is making me feel badly about myself as a performer or anything like that. I've lost weight. I'm doing a fabulous show with an incredible theatre, where I'm used more and more with each passing production.  I love my costumes. I love my hairstyle for the show.  I'm completely surrounded by wonderful people.

But still, that nagging, evil little insecure voice finds its way into my brain and brings on the waves of self-doubt and negativity.  I'm not going to blame myself anymore, though.  Read that verse again.  I believe it to be true.  These voices are coming directly from the Enemy and attacking my weakest areas, causing me to think I need to try harder, audition for more shows, eat less...and not in the healthy, productive way in which all of those things can be done but, instead, in the obsessive, messed-up priorities, selfish way that has gotten me into trouble before.

When logic prevails, I think back on the past 11 months (I'm starting with Café des Artistes last November) and I am incredibly proud of the work I've done as an artist, as a Christian, as a person trying to get healthier, as a wife, and as a friend.  It's incredible (and incredibly sad) to me how easily and how quickly that switch can be flipped.  How I can be so proud and happy and then look upon a series of show photos and feel "You're the biggest person on that stage.  Look how fat your face looks.  God, you don't look like anyone else up there, what are you even doing?!"  Or to know in my heart of hearts that I'm thrilled for a friend's successes but still think "It wasn't you this time. You weren't even considered.  Why would you be, though? You've got a long way to go."

(that inner voice is a real bitch, huh?)

This is not coming from a healthy place of bettering myself and pushing myself to reach higher goals.  This is a darker, more sinister force that is trying to halt the progress I've made, trying to make me feel like nothing I'm doing is quite enough, trying to get me to focus completely on myself and how I can make my selfish desires come to pass.

The good news? I'm aware of it.  I know that there are ways to better myself that simultaneously bring happiness and joy to my life that will radiate outward to others around me. That I can push myself to be better without the only result being my own selfish gain. 

Eleanor Roosevelt has been quoted as saying, "Nobody can make you feel inferior without your consent."  Well, consider my consent not given. I do not give anyone, physical or spiritual, permission to bring me down and cause me to focus on negativity, insecurity or doubt. 

That Time I Met Jo Loesser

Jo Sullivan Loesser (Rosabella) with Robert Weede (Tony) in the original production of The Most Happy Fella (Source)

Once again, Lyric Stage has provided me with a tremendous opportunity and some incredible memories. I don't think I ever blogged about doing Oklahoma! with them back in June, and that's probably because the sadness from ending that show and saying goodbye to some truly wonderful new friends took a long time to go away (actually it's still kind of sad...sniff sniff).

Over the past month I've been fortunate enough to be a part of yet another one of Lyric's critically acclaimed productions, under a brilliant production team and accompanied by a truly amazing 38-piece orchestra.

The Most Happy Fella opened officially this past Saturday evening, September 8th, 2012.  And there was a very, very special guest in the audience: the widow of the composer, Frank Loesser, and original Rosabella, Mrs. Jo Sullivan Loesser (read an awesome interview with Mrs. Loesser here about her thoughts on this amazing theatre company's reproduction of works like this!). 

Lyric Stage cast of The Most Happy Fella with Jo Sullivan Loesser (seated, in white suit)

The cast was informed on our final dress rehearsal that Mrs. Loesser would be joining us onstage after curtain call and singing for us (oh okay...and the audience, too...but it was hard to even remember that there was another audience besides the one onstage with her!).

Even now, as I type this and remember what that night felt like, I get goosebumps up and down my arms.  We were all a bit nervous (probably none more so than our own amazing Rosabella, Amber Nicole Guest, who was greeted with open arms and an enormous smile by Mrs. Loesser after the performance!), but it turns out we had nothing to worry about.  When Jo took the stage, the already electric energy that comes with a successful performance was tripled, and the roar of the applause soared as the cast joined in to welcome her.

She was...well, adorable is the word that keeps coming to mind.  She went immediately to Bill Nolte, the amazing actor playing Tony, for a huge hug, and then could be heard asking, "Where's Rosabella?"

Jo Sullivan Loesser (original Rosabella) with Amber Nicole Guest (OUR Rosabella)

She hugged each of the principal actors in turn, and then was given a microphone, where she continued to gush about the cast, the production team and, of course, the brilliant orchestra and conductor.

She shared some heartwarming stories about her husband, the late Frank Loesser, and thanked all of us profusely.  The song she sang was "Spring Will be a Little Late This Year" from movie Christmas Holiday, written by Frank, of course.  And let me tell you...that woman's voice is still beautiful.  It was just completely charming.

I'm not even going to pretend like I wasn't completely wrecked emotionally by all of this. I didn't stop crying from the moment she walked onstage until the curtain was lowered and we all scrambled to pose for a cast photo with her.

I was hesitant to ask her for a photo in the lobby afterwards, because I knew she was probably tired and overwhelmed, but this was SUCH a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity...and she was incredibly gracious when I asked.  I'm so grateful for that...and for these photos to enhance the memories that were made for all of us that night.

Me! With Jo Sullivan Loesser!

Some of the cast members have joked about how actors can overuse (sometimes to great annoyance) the phrase "so blessed," especially on social media...I mean, there's even a parody Twitter account called Annoying Actor Friend dedicated to such a thing...but this was a time when it was completely appropriate to note just how blessed we all were to be a part of such a moment.

I will never forget this night as long as I live.  Thank you, Cheryl, Jay, Len, Steven and Lyric Stage for continuing to provide me with opportunities to grow as a performer and to be a part of such incredible moments. It makes me the most happy.

In which my 17-year-old self gains some ground

Those of you who have stuck with me for a while might remember this story I posted last year. That particular teenage memory remains one of my very favorite, most romantic memories of my angst-ridden teen years.  I've had lots (and LOTS) of kisses since that night, but that one was so special and remains firmly planted in my brain.

That boy happened to be my very first broken heart as well, but that's not the part I dwell on.  I see him around town, still.  It's a small town.  Both of us left for a while and came back, too, so sometimes I find it remarkable that he's still here and that we cross paths even as frequently as we do (possibly a few times a year).

Every time I see him, I can't help but wonder if he thinks of that same moment we shared, or if he immediately chooses to focus upon my reaction to his sudden disinterest that completely blindsided me and, I'm sorry to say, turned me into a bit of an emotional, clingy type for a while.  It'd be fair if that's what he recalled.  But I'd like to think that, since we've both hopefully matured a bit, he remembers as fondly as I do that darkened living room and the music of Louis Armstrong as we kissed and the world stood still for a moment.

Wow, it's been 13 years since that night.

I had an encounter with this person last weekend.  My BFF-From-Way-Back came into town to celebrate her 30th birthday with me, since I wasn't able to make the drive to Memphis for her actual birthdate the weekend before.  We hit up a lot of our favorite spots together, including the square of our cute little hipster town.  We had dinner at a new-ish place, and he was our server.  It was a very pleasant experience, as it usually is.

When he brought me the check, I thanked him by name and he told us to have a great night.  As I was signing the credit card receipt, I felt Shelly's eyes boring into my head.  "What??" I asked her.  "That was HIM?" She was incredulous.  She probably hasn't seen him since all of the Teenage Drama went down 13 years ago, and I will say that he definitely fits into the "dirty hippie" type that Denton seems to have embraced in recent years.  He looks very different from that 18-year-old boy we knew, of course, but I guess that, since I've seen him sporadically over the years, he just looks....like him, to me.  Older.  Scruffier.  Rounder.  But still him.

Shelly craned her neck around me to give him another long look.  Then she looked at me and said, "Well.  Clearly you win this one." I waved her off and made some comment about it not being a competition, that people get older, that I'm just glad we're friendly.

But I'll be damned if I didn't walk out of that restaurant with my head held a bit higher and a bit more of a bounce in my step. It's not a competition, of course.

But the absolutely heartbroken 17-year-old girl inside of me, who couldn't understand why the strong, dark-skinned and light-eyed boy who made her weak in the knees no longer wanted her smiled and practically danced with glee out the front door.

Friend-Makin' Monday -- Personal Stuff

 I almost skipped today's FMM post, because of all the hoopla that's been going on around social media lately (a couple of the questions touch on politics and religion), but I feel like blogging and I like Kenlie's prompts.  So here goes.

Oh, and by the way, should you feel like playing along as well, head over to Kenlie's post and leave your link in the comments and spread some comment love yourself!

A Little More Personal 

1. Are you a morning person? Absolutely not.  From the time I was a small baby I've been a night person. I swear I "activate" around 11pm.  It's very hard for me to shut down and fall asleep, and I could easily sleep til 10am (or later) every single day.  

2. Are you an introvert or an extrovert?Are you kidding me? 

 3. Are you addicted to anything? If so, what? You know, I never thought of myself as having an addiction to anything.  I mean, even as much as I wax poetic about my coffee, I could quit if I had to (I'd need a real good reason, though). But I do have some mental and spiritual addictions, I think -- things that cause me to be selfish and vain and stumble in reaching the goals I have for myself in becoming the person/wife/mom/friend I want to be. 

4. How many times have you been in love? Twice.  My first love was absolutely nothing like the love I have for my husband, but I really think that, for what little I knew of love at 18, I was in love with my first serious boyfriend.  It didn't end well, and every so often I wonder about him and hope he's doing well.  

5. What is your position on politics? I have strong opinions on a few key issues (namely the role of government in telling me what I can and can't do in my personal life and with my body) but really?  Overall I don't know much.  I would much prefer to watch episode after episode of Battlestar Galactica or The Office on Netflix than watch CNN or the local news, even.  However, I compensate for this by a) watching the debates around election time, and b) shutting up in major arguments. If I don't have all the information, it's useless for me to argue. 

6. Are you religious? I hate this question. One of the definitions of "religious" is "scrupulously faithful; conscientious," and that's how I usually define the word.  It also has an extremely negative connotation, more and more negative every year it seems. The bottom line? I love God. I believe Jesus is the son of God and the way to salvation, through His grace. I will try my whole life to live a life that is pleasing to Him.

 7. Would you prefer backpacking or a luxury hotel? Totally a luxury hotel. I am an indoor girl. I'd be whining and complaining after an hour of backpacking.

8. Do you have/want pets? Um, only the best dog ever.

 9. Are you a sports fan? ABSOLUTELY. I love the Boston Red Sox, the Texas Rangers and the Philadelphia Eagles.  And I LOVE the Olympics. 

10. How often do you brush your teeth? Twice a day.

11. Do you have tattoos and/or piercings? My ears are pierced and I have one tattoo. 

12. What’s your favorite clothing brand? I don't really notice that I buy a particular brand over another. But I have noticed that I have expensive taste...the things I pull off the rack to examine are always the designer/expensive brands.

13. Should a man open doors for a woman? I think anyone should open doors for people coming in/out behind them.  It's the polite thing to do. 

14. Which season is your favorite? Usually whichever one is next.  

15. Would you rather eat less or workout more? Eating less seems to help me lose weight more quickly, but I would rather work out more just to build good habits and be in the best shape I can be.

16. What’s your idea of romance?  You know, I could create a big ol' scenario here, but honestly it all boils down to "thoughtful."  Being thoughtful about a date, a gift, a "just because" visit...those are the things that are the most romantic to me. Taking the time to think about what might make me smile or feel loved.

17. How often do you do things that are outside of your comfort zone? Are you kidding? I'm in theatre.  I've had to do some insane movement exercises where I've had to get outside my comfort zone REAL fast.

18. Christmas or Halloween? Christmas!  I do like Halloween, though. 

19. Would you rather live in the country or the city? City.

20. Share your life philosophy. Matthew 22:37-40

Finding My Grace Friday

All day today I've been wanting to post a blog about something...but most of the things on my mind are either incredibly inflammatory (to SOMEONE I'm sure) and/or unformed, random, frustrated thoughts due to the recent Popular Topics on Facebook and Twitter.  Then I saw Sara's post in my Google Reader and thought it'd be a good idea to follow suit. 

Because sometimes a girl needs a prompt. 

So here goes.

1. What is something small that you are thankful for this week?
Technology.  BUT MANDY!  YOU JUST SAID!!  I know...I know.  But having Twitter and my iPhone have allowed me to quickly reach people I am not geographically near for a quick thought or a request for support/prayer or even just a laugh.  Technology isn't really small I guess...but my iPhone is. 

2. What is something you know you are so lucky to have that others don’t?
My husband.  Oh sure, he's someone else's son/friend/teacher/brother. But he's only MY husband. 

3. What is something you know you need to work on?
SHUTTING UP.  I have such a knee-jerk reaction to post/comment on things online before thinking them through, and that's something I'm working on.  Also, even the stuff I want to just make my own status...I need to stop and think "Mandy, you don't have to post everything that happens to you on Facebook/Twitter."  I'm trying to work on living more in the moment and off the grid.

4. How did you do on being more grateful for your #3 item from last week?
Well since this is my first week playing along...I don't have an answer for this one.

I hope everyone has a lovely weekend.  I intend to spend it seeing some excellent theatre, cleaning my house, spending quality time with family, and watching no fewer than 3 episodes of Battlestar Galactica.  Happy Friday!

Wordless Wednesday