Milestones

23w6d

Tomorrow, I will be 24 weeks pregnant.  On the message boards, women who have reached this week of pregnancy would celebrate their "V-day."  I had no idea what this meant.  Not wanting to sound stupid, I just kind of waited it out until it was explained or until someone else asked.  Turns out that, when pregnancy-related, V-day means viability day. 

I did some internet research and the consensus seems to be that 24 weeks is when the pregnancy is considered viable.  One source said that, while the survival chance of a fetus delivered at 23 weeks was only 17%, that number more than doubles to 39% at 24 weeks (and continues to increase the longer the bun is in the oven).  Before 24 weeks, hospitals will not necessarily do anything possible to medically intervene and save a baby delivered early.  It's not because they're jerks...I'm sure it's because of key developments that have to happen in utero (I'm not a doctor, don't quote me on ANY of this).  

So...while I obviously want this little dude or dudette to stay warm and toasty and safe for as long as possible, it's a huge relief to know that his or her survival chances just get better and better from here on out.  God willing, we will go full term.

This milestone occurring this week made me think of some of my favorite pregnancy milestones so far.  Really only two come to mind, and the second one happened last night: finding out I was pregnant, and my husband feeling the baby kick from the outside for the first time last night.

I wish I could accurately put into words how it felt seeing the positive pregnancy test and walking in to show it to Michael...whose eyes grew to the size of dinner plates in disbelief.  Maybe one day I'll sit down and really try to type out the story: the way I felt, the way he felt, the whole hazy day of just going about our routine but occasionally staring off into the distance and smiling at each other, knowing that our lives had just changed.  I feel like, since I'm terrible at writing things down and journaling, I should do that while my memory of that day is still pretty fresh.

The baby has, just in the last few days, REALLY started kicking.  Well, s/he may have been kicking this whole time, but with the front-facing placenta (I will NEVER like that word...) I just haven't really felt it.  But WHOA do I feel it now! Strong, hard kicks...sometimes so hard that, if I'm looking down at just the right moment, I can see my stomach move a little bit.

Last night, I made Michael sit right next to me on the couch so, if Baby got active, I could quickly grab his hand.  This ornery child (gee, I wonder which parent that comes from...) would completely stop every time I put his hand on my stomach, but finally there was one hard kick right when I put his hand on my stomach.  I didn't even have to ask "Did you feel that?" because I could see his head snap towards me in my peripheral vision.  I looked over and he was smiling from ear to ear.  Baby was kind enough to kick a couple more times, so he knew he wasn't imagining things.

I have to admit, I got super choked up immediately at this milestone for Michael. I can't imagine what it's like to be the husband.  It probably doesn't start to feel real at all until your wife starts to really show (unless she's had a tough first trimester and a half, which luckily I did not), and then it must be hard to hear her talk about feeling the baby move when you can't feel it yourself.  I am so happy that I can share this pregnancy with him going forward in this small way. 

Feeling (and seeing!) these distinct movements has really brought this whole thing to a new level of reality for me, and now for Michael as well.  It's taken almost 6 months, but I finally am very aware in a brand new way that we are having a baby. That it's not just something happening that I can't feel or see, but it's real and it has a personality (I think this baby LOVES music!) and it moves around and is just growing and changing every day.

I bet you're all happy to see a cynical, whiny sourpuss like me finally really getting into this, huh?  I still hate sleeping on my side, and I want to cry when I see pictures pre-pregnancy and how close I got to my goal weight...I miss my body!  So there's that, just to make sure you know that someone else didn't hijack my blog.  :)

Hump Day Bump Day -- Celebrating all Forms

I call this look "The Pregnant Ballerina."

Did I mention that I finally caved on the Message Boards? I did.  I still stand by what I said in an earlier post about how crazy some of them get.  I'm very lucky that the board for my birth month (June 2013) is relatively awesome and drama-free.  I also try to stay out of the threads regarding potentially incendiary topics, which helps, I think.  But anywho, it's been a lot of fun at times...especially Wednesdays.

Why?  Because Wednesdays are known as Hump Day Bump Day (HDBD).  Everyone posts a photo of her current baby bump, how far along they are, whether or not they're a first time mom, height, etc.

First of all, everyone always looks adorable.  It's so fun to see the smiles growing as the bellies grow each week.  But that's not what absolutely thrills and fascinates me about these weekly threads...

What I absolutely love to the point of actually getting teary-eyed sometimes (man I'm such a hippie...) is how different yet absolutely beautiful every woman looks.  No matter her height, shape, size, outfit, hair color, skin color....it's just amazing.

Now before you blow me off as being some crazy lady who is in absolute awe at the wonder of the children growing in our expanding wombs...it's not that part that gets to me (although that's stupid awesome, too!).

What fascinates and excites me is how differently every woman shows and grows with her pregnancy (first, second, fourth...you get the idea).  Some of the moms who aren't doing this for the first time will post a side-by-side comparison picture -- this time THIS pregnancy vs. this time PAST pregnancy, and the differences can be so awesome!

Also, everyone is SO supportive of each other.  There are women who are weeks farther along than I am, and SMALLER...and women who are weeks behind where I am with bigger bumps than mine...but it's such a supportive environment!  I sure hope that anyone who thinks "I shouldn't be this big already," or "Why am I not bigger by now?!" feels as uplifted as I do after this weekly post.

It just serves to prove the "every body/woman/baby is different" that I keep hearing throughout this pregnancy...but it also proves a great lesson even minus the baby bumps.  There is so much beauty in every woman, no matter her shape, the size of her jeans, how tall she is...and these weekly posts have been a tremendous reminder of just how we are all "fearfully and wonderfully made" by our Creator with loving hands.

EDIT TO ADD: I just finally opened my daily devotional email and this was today's key verse: But Lord, You are our father. We are like clay, and You are the potter; Your hands made us all. (Isaiah 64:8).  Pretty cool and appropriate, huh? :)

Serenity vs. Pregspectations

Do you like that word? Pregspectations? I made it up last night when I was thinking about the expectations of a woman -- or at least my own expectations -- and of those around her when she is pregnant.

Word combinations. Worbinations. They're fun!

Anyway...

It's not news to anyone who knows me or who has been reading this blog that I've been having a bit of trouble feeling really connected to this pregnancy and this baby.  The most I've felt that it's really real was last Friday during and after our anatomy scan ultrasound. I got to see the outline of an actual developing little person inside me, which was super cool.  But, overall? I just...don't.

I pray for the baby, of course. Every single day. I think about him/her a lot, especially when I'm in the car listening to music and singing.  I wonder if s/he hears me and likes the sound of my voice. I wonder if it recognizes Carmen's barking and Michael's voice.  But that only really happens in specific moments.

I have friends who are loving every moment of being pregnant and having these serene, powerful connections to their babies. I'm happy for them, but it makes me feel...well let's just be honest.  This is a blog after all.  It makes me feel like a bad Mom already. 

I have definitely started enjoying pregnancy more, but as of this point in time I don't see myself being the kind of woman who misses being pregnant. I feel great, overall.  I'm having fun picking out outfits for myself that challenge me, finding new ways to look cute and incorporate my style into maternity wear. I'm SO GLAD to have started taking the steps necessary to get the house and the baby's room ready. I liked registering (even though each time I've very definitely hit The Wall and started getting overwhelmed).  So I'm not miserable and uncomfortable (anymore) (again, yet). 

I just really still see this as a means to an end.

Recently, several friends have given birth...and even more will before it's our turn to meet the Little One.  Those are the times I get really emotional -- when I see the first photos of the new family.  Mom crying as the baby is handed to her.  Dad struggling to keep his emotions in check as he holds his son/daughter for the first time....so maybe that's gonna be our strongest memory and emotion, too.

Maybe some people really feel like parents during the pregnancy, but for others it takes holding the baby in their arms.  I think I -- we, actually -- might be the latter. Michael and I talked about this last night as I was mulling all of this over, and I talked about this a little with a friend today, too.

Really I think I need to just let go of the worry.  The worry that something will be wrong with the baby.  The worry that something is wrong with me.  The worry about what others think/will think about my decisions and choices. My friend today asked me if I was giving anything up for Lent. I answered that I don't really observe Lent, but I'm not opposed to the idea of giving up something that I don't need...and not just until Easter Sunday. 

So here it is.  I'm giving up worry.  I'm giving up the stress that might even be keeping me from enjoying this (relatively) short process more than I could be. I'm giving up the EXPECTATIONS that I think I should feel just because someone else did/does. 

I'm accepting serenity.  I'm accepting peace and acceptance. I'm accepting that my experience is valid and it's mine.

Feel free to hold me to this, friends. Just remember to do it nicely. :)

Half-Baked

20-week selfie

I've been wanting to post an update for SO long here on the blog, and the halfway point seemed to be a good place to come back...except that the halfway point was still a week before our ultrasound/anatomy scan and, being as superstitious and anxious as I tend to be, I decided to wait just one more week to make sure everything was a-OK before posting.

This morning was our appointment with our anatomy scan ultrasound.  I wasn't nervous about it at all until some time yesterday afternoon when I started wondering just how many things might be wrong, developmentally, with our little Junebug.  Yes...I still call it a BabyMonster most of the time, but come on, I had to have at least ONE cutesy obnoxious name for it.  I promise that's as bad as it will get, though.

Last night I prayed not only for my own peace of mind, but that the baby would be fine when we got to take our first look at it in three months.  I knew deep in my heart that, no matter what the tech saw or the doctor relayed to us, I would find peace.  I know so surely and truly that God holds us -- and this baby -- in His hands and that He is in control.

I am not in control.

My doctor has told me, my logic has told me...but it's something I need to be reminded of from time to time.  And when I do release all of this into God's hands, the peace is...peaceful.

Sonograms are incredible, wonderful gifts of technology, but they aren't always perfect and they aren't always indicative of what you're going to actually see when you deliver. I know this, and knowing this gave me lots of peace this morning...which allowed me to enjoy THIS even more:

21-week u/s picture -- check out that rootbeer belly

I mean...that's a baby.  That's a BABY that is growing and hanging out inside my body.  We made that.  Look at that profile! That's a FACE! And a TUMMY! And...I think...an arm? 

I haven't cried looking at the picture.  But the wonder I feel is...wonderful?  I'm not so good with the words today.  It's just incredible to me that there's life inside me.  No, I'm not saying that I feel like a Blessed Vessel.  I do a lot more than I did months ago in my very first post, sure, but it's just more surreal than anything else. That's inside of me. And, at some point, it's going to come out. And grow and learn and speak and discover and....okay NOW I may have something in my eye...

So on to some stats:

We are still TEAM GREEN! The sonogram technician didn't even LOOK in the pertinent area to check, so nobody knows what the sex of this baby is except for God. The only person it's driving crazy seems to be my mother-in-law, but I have a feeling she'll be pretty darn excited no matter what. :)

Some movement is happening! Finally! Over the last week or so, if all the stars are aligned (i.e., I'm laying flat, quietly, relaxing, and really concentrating on the baby) I have felt some little thumps and kicks.  For a long time I was starting to get concerned that I hadn't felt him/her move yet, but I knew that as a first-time mom it might be as late as 25 weeks before I did. Found out today (WARNING -- MEDICAL TERMS COMING UP THAT MAY BE TMI FOR YOU) that I have an "anterior placenta," which means it's in the front instead of the back.  So there's padding between the baby and my stomach.  So, he/she will have to get a little heavier before I really feel a lot of hard kicks. I'm ok with that.  Just glad to know what's up.

I'm feeling great.  Really.  The horrible gag reflex finally went away.  I've had more of an appetite (which is speeding up the weight gain some, so I need to be a little more diligent about healthy food choices and get off my [increasingly fat] butt for some exercise soon), but also more heartburn.  So no more excuses re: cravings.  RELATED: my next appointment includes the 1-hour glucose test, so the Slurpees may have to take a backseat (*sob*) for a while.

We've decided (at least 90% sure) on names.  But we aren't telling, so....sorry. :)

We're finally starting to make plans to progress on the baby's room. I guess the little babe needs a place to sleep (NOT in our bed) (and probably NOT in Carmen's bed...), so we need to get the nursery ready.  As with the registry (which is also started, but not finished), the most overwhelming part is getting started.  Once that happens this weekend, I'll feel better.

I'm starting to make a mental list which I'll eventually write down of all the to-do's we still need to do.  I'm not even sure what all needs to be done, but just making a list makes me feel better.

.........I think that's it?  I mean there's not much else to tell right now!

Second trimester is pretty fun, actually.

Pup Surgery

 

Last Friday, my sweet little pit bull Carmen had surgery to repair a torn ACL. For almost a month we had known it was partially torn, and we'd been doing everything we could per the vet's instructions to keep it from tearing completely.  Then, Christmas happened.  Lots of people and changes from routines and, somehow, in the middle of all the madness, she tore it completely.

 

The drive home from the vet's office after picking her up from her surgery was heartbreaking (see above). She laid like that on the seat next to me and just cried.  My dog never cries.  She doesn't whine or complain much at all, but this was heart-wrenching. Of course, with my dog being my baby and the actual baby inside me producing crazy hormones, I cried too. Wept. The whole way home.

That was a bad, bad night.  We were instructed to make sure she was confined ("strict confinement" was what we were told) and to keep her from licking the bandages.  So, for most of the night we just watched her and tried to make her comfortable. She kept crying, and she had a wild, crazed look in her eyes from all the medication. Poor pup was strung. out.

At bedtime, I decided to stay out in the living room with her, where her crate was. We put her cone on her and put her in the crate, and my husband went to bed. She couldn't figure out how to lay down with the cone on, even when I showed her, and she started panicking. 

Mostly because I was worried she'd puke in her cone or have a total anxiety attack, but also because I'm a bleeding heart, I took her out of the crate and took her cone off her.  We laid on the floor together, but every time she would fall asleep and I'd try to Ninja my pregnant self off the floor and onto the couch, she'd wake up and whine again.

The vet's office told us not to put her on furniture in case she jumped down, but whatever...I know my dog. She needed SLEEP. At 5am, I climbed up into our big chaise, picked her up with me, and put her on my chest, with her bandaged leg stretched out. After a few minutes, she fell asleep right on my chest, and I did soon after.  We slept like that for 3 hours.

I woke up my husband -- coffee at the ready -- at 9 and asked him to take the morning shift so I could SLEEP. Our  baby girl was in much better spirits.

 

After a few stressful days of wearing the cone pictured above, we discovered that it was too small, and she was able to reach her bandages and lick them incessantly.  Pain in the ass. We already felt like we had to watch her constantly without the cone...but now we couldn't leave her alone WITH the cone.  Plus, we confined her to a spare room each night, where she would whine. Incessantly.

Yesterday, we went to have her bandages removed.  And she got a brand. new. e-collar.  Check out the look on her face below. I died laughing when they brought her out wearing it. Apparently it needed to be way past her nose, so she couldn't get to her leg with the sutures now exposed.

However, as much as she acted all awkward and pitiful, she finally got tired and found a way to lay down...and she did. not. move. for four hours. She slept so long and so hard that I actually went over and put my hands on her belly a few times to make sure she was still breathing.  Poor baby.  She had a much better night last night, and I was actually able to come to work guilt- and worry-free today.  I REALLY don't think she'll be able to get to her sutures with this cone on, and she seems to whine more when she knows we're in the house but she can't get to us.

So now we just have to put up with this big, floppy, awkward cone for another 5-7 days.

The hardest part for her is not being able to sit and cuddle with us...me especially.  She's been incredibly clingy with me ever since I got pregnant, and now she can't get close. It's hard on her AND hard on me.  But we can do it.

Being Pregnant in the Internet Age (or, "Did you realize you were stupid?")

Before I get too far into this blog post, let me just reiterate from this post that I think any newly pregnant woman needs to STAY OFF THE INTERNETS during her first trimester. I wasn't able to. I wish I had been. My anxiety was through the ROOF because of the wealth of information (some of it helpful, most of it unnecessarily frightening) available to me.  Just...don't do it to yourself.

However, as you (as I have done) progress through your pregnancy and become more comfortable with it (and less afraid that something randomly terrible will happen) (LESS -- not completely unafraid), the Internet can be helpful, sure.  But mostly for me?  It's just been HIGHLY amusing.

The thing is, if you're a social media addict like I am, you are going to share a lot of your pregnancy. Your Pinterest board will be public. You will post photos of your baby's room fabric on Facebook and Instagram. You'll tweet your #PregnantTweet hashtagged tweets about how you'd seriously pay someone a hundred dollars if they could tell you what could make you have a healthy and non-painful poop. 

When you do that, you have to be open to and accepting of the fact that you're going to get reactions.  And while most of them are going to be plain old "likes" and "favorites," you're going to get negative reactions and opinions as well.  For the most part, I've been able to either avoid or ignore any free advice or "well when I was pregnant..." annoyances, but that could just be because I'm either a) awesome or b) at least awesome at picking friends.

I've also learned to use hashtags such as #PregnantTweet, or repin with the words PINNING NOW WILL READ LATER, which have been pretty good disclaimers for "HEY FOLKS if you don't wanna read this, keep scrolling" and/or "I REALIZE YOU PROBABLY DIDN'T DO IT THIS WAY BUT THIS ARTICLE LOOKS INTERESTING AND I'D LIKE TO READ IT."

But more than anything else online...more than any. other. pregnancy source online....sweet Jesus, the forums/message boards.

I mean. Really.

I know I'm generalizing the women who post on them, but there is enough evidence to support my theory that some of these crazies are spoiled, pretentious and/or downright hateful. First of all, I check my boards (I stick to the "Due in June 2013" boards so that we're all going through the same basic time frame) maybe once a week.  Maybe. Secondly, I"m pretty sure I'm on the least crazy board. I've checked out some of the topic-specific ones, and...yikes.

VERY QUICK CAVEAT -- I know they are helpful to some. But really.  You HAVE to take them with a grain of salt. There are some nice people on there, and there are those who can answer without being snarky.

So, without any further ado (there is a lot of ado up there) (heh...DOO) (POOP!)...

What I've Learned from Message Boards

• You're a terrible person who is going to make personally sure that the future of the human race dies out if you do anything but follow the CDC-recommended vaccination schedule. Your personal choices do not matter. You are a bad mother, and will be the person cited in history books as the Mother of the Child who Started the Black Death for Babies
• Strollers are the devil.  I mean, how DARE you use a stroller in the store where I am shopping?! I am wearing my baby in an ergonomically designed paisley wrap reminiscent of the womb, though my child be 2 years old and punching me in the boobs and squirming, but AT LEAST I am not cluttering up the aisles of Target with my stroller. 
• Oh, you're a FTM?  That's First Time Mom, darling.  Oh, you haven't learned all the acronyms yet? *twittering laugh* Well, you'll be better once you've BTDT a few times like me. My DD and my DS and my DH don't know that I AW via PIP photos of my U/S and the BFP on my urine-soaked pregnancy test.
• You asked the same question as a person did YESTERDAY.  You are WASTING space on this board, just scroll through the 5 pages of posts from this morning and see if you can't find the answer to your ANNOYINGLY REPEATED QUESTION that someone else asked yesterday.
• What, you are a FTM and wishing you had more pregnancy symptoms?  What are you, stupid? You WISH you had MS (no, not multiple sclerosis, sweetie, it's "morning sickness") or tiredness just so you'd actually feel pregnant?  You are so selfish.  Don't you know that I can't peel my body off the cold linoleum of my bathroom until 3pm?!
• The best way to find out if you're pregnant is NOT to get a test, or call your doctor, but instead to ask the Message Board community. Let us know when your last period was and how sexually active you are, and we'll tell you if you're pregnant or not. (for this one, I'm laughing at the poster, not the responses...the responses are generally an eye roll and a "pee on a stick, dummy" variety)
• Your husband really should buy you a "Push Present" as a gift for having to go through the hassle of a) getting pregnant, b) bearing the burden for 9 months, c) pushing a baby out of your body/having a baby cut out of your body, or d) all of the above. Diamonds would be nice, but I'll take semi-precious stones as well. I've left a list of my preferences, along with photos and my ring size on top of the copy of "The Bro's Guide to Parenthood" I put on his nightstand.
• You're having a baby shower?! REALLY? Goodness, what a tacky and outdated tradition. The games are stupid, and you just look spoiled and gift-grabby sitting there opening all those gifts like that.  At least have the decency to open them after everyone leaves.

 ....and that's just a random sampling.

Look...I'm obviously exaggerating a tiny bit just for the sake of humor and, like I said, message boards can be helpful sometimes.  It is nice to see that someone else is literally peeing every 5 minutes, and would give up their left arm just for one good fart to relieve the gas pain.  But really, overall, it's a group of NOT DOCTORS who are giving you their very personal (and sometimes/often misguided) opinions.

Just...tread carefully.

Choose your resources carefully.  Wondering if your cramped up toes are normal or weird? Ask your friends!! It's hard to ask Moms/Aunts/Grandmas sometimes because they had babies longer ago, and a lot of resources and technologies have changed...but their reassurance can be wonderful, too.  But your friends who have very recently had babies can really be a treasure trove of information and help or even just a sympathetic ear.

Better than that? Go to WebMD or a research-based medical website or journal to get the serious questions answered. 

Better still and the choice I recommend the most?  Turn off the computer and call your OB's office. You won't be the most annoying person that calls their office, I promise.  And they know that it's scary and weird and new (especially the first time), and they should be willing to help you come to a solution or an answer. If they don't do so willingly and kindly, find a new doctor.  Seriously.

Just know that the Internet is...well, the Internet. It's where we get the EHRMAGERD! girl, Twilight fanfiction, and a dancing Asian man who taught us all to Gangnam Style.  Is that really where you want to get your pregnancy advice and information?

Farewell 2012

2012 officially ends (here in Central Standard Time anyway) in 5 hours and 14 minutes.  It's been...one hell of a year.  The above compilation just came from my phone's camera roll, and is just a small sampling of what this year has held for me. I'm going to see what I can remember based on photos and my own memory...and Facebook's timeline feature (hey! it is good for something!)...but I do love doing these end of the year posts, so just bear with  me.

January
* Rang in 2012 with my husband and some great friends at a low-key party.  Was probably home by 12:30am. 

* Performed in the ensemble of Kismet in concert with Lyric Stage.

* Saw The Civil Wars and The Staves live in concert at the House of Blues in Dallas, Texas.
 
February
* Was honored as a small part of the Denton Women's Collective by the City of Flower Mound for bringing the Finding Kind documentary into the local high school.

* Deactivated my Facebook account for the month, just to take some time away from all the online drama.

March
* Said goodbye to the "family dog" -- my mom and stepdad's dog, Deogee.  He was a good boy up until the very end.

* Made my Assistant Director (and sound designer) debut with Dog Sees God, and also played the role of Van's sister. A very special show to me, and a moment of great personal pride as an artist.

* Donated my hair to Pantene Beautiful Lengths

April
* Welcomed my beautiful and hilarious baby niece into the world.

* Renovated my bathroom.  Well...I supervised and picked out colors. Professionals did the dirty work.

* Discovered Seryn.

May
* Was honored to edit the first draft of a manuscript by the recently agented and up-and-coming YA author Kelsey.

*  Enjoyed Twilight Tunes with friends and the Andrew Tinker Band -- what is becoming a spring tradition.

June
* Entered a Jason Robert Brown karaoke competition and was complimented by the composer himself!

* One word: OKLAHOMA.

* Directed one and acted in another staged reading for DCT's Method & Madness Playwriting Festival.

* Was named a Star Performer at my job.

July
* Found and rescued an abandoned pit bull named Baby with my husband.  Nothing made me happier than the day that the Denton Animal Shelter announced she was adopted!!

* Attended my first SOFAR show.

* Watched a spectacular(ly lousy) fireworks show with my handsome husband.

August
* Began rehearsals for The Most Happy Fella.

* Celebrated my best friend's 30th birthday by seeing Hairspray (brilliantly music-directed by my talented and dedicated husband).

September
* Celebrated four years of marriage to my best pal.

* Sent a friend off to Spain -- my carpool buddy for every Lyric show, my favorite gay husband, my friend...Tyler.

* Performed in The Most Happy Fella, made all new friends, met the composer's widow.

October
* Turned 31! Celebrated at Spiral Diner and the Dallas Arboretum. And got beautiful flowers from my husband.

* Voted early. And for the first time ever.

* Saw Seryn for the first time in concert -- and twice in one weekend. It was life-changing.

* Found out the best news EVER:

November and December

Yes, I'm getting lazy. I've been sitting here for two hours now.  But honestly, November and December have been a lot of family time, holiday fun, preparing myself for this pregnancy, and just reflecting on the past year and getting ready for the next.

2012 has brought MANY opportunities...new friends...changes...loss...heartache...unspeakable joy...and I'm thankful for ALL of it. 

I hope that, no matter how you feel about 2012 -- sad to see it go, or ready to kiss it GOODBYE -- that you have taken something with you from this year that you will carry forever.  Joys and Pains -- they all continue to strengthen and build up our character.

Thank you for being a part of my year.