And so we run

I've been staring at this blank, open blogger window for a few days now (on separate occasions of course...I have slept and worked and done other things of course) trying to think of how to just jump back into this non-theatre, non-devotional-inspired blogging.  I suppose I should just make it simple:

I've gained some weight back...only about 10-12 lbs or so of what I lost (of which I've re-lost about 5, so net gain is really about 5-7lbs).

I've decided not to attempt the Susan G. Komen 3-Day Walk for the Cure again this year.  My teammates and I agree we may try it again next year, but a year off seemed to fit our current lifestyles/schedules.  I think we all breathed a sigh of relief when we each realized the other was thinking the same thing.

This has left me feeling...unsettled.  Lazy. Unmotivated. Bummed out.  ROUND AND SOFT.

I can't even tell you when I decided, "You know what? Maybe I'll try running."  Maybe it was when I realized that running three times a week and drastically counting calories again would be the best way to jump start my weight loss again.  Maybe it was because I ended up following some Twitter people who are running for one reason or another (for themselves, for weight loss, for therapy/alone time, for a cause, etc.) and I thought "they really seem to enjoy this -- I wonder if I would?"

Turns out? I kinda do.  Like, a lot.

I'm slow. I can't run very far without feeling like dying.  I get winded quickly.  Old ladies with walkers pass me (okay that's not true). 

But I'm doing it.  I'm going three times a week.  I recently discovered that I enjoy running outside more than running on a treadmill going nowhere.  Until today, I was running two miles, three times a week...mostly without stopping.

Today, I decided to push myself a little.  I mapped out a new route and I ran 2.61 miles in beautiful weather.  While I struggled with my rhythm and my stride at times, I never stopped to walk. I always regained a breathing pattern that I could maintain. 

I'm not doing Couch to 5k.  I'm not quite sure what I'm doing.  I don't have special shoes or gel packs or special methods.  I'm just out on the pavement...taking measured breaths every few strides, in and out, and reaching small goals at a time.

It calms me. It gives me time to think and to breathe and to leave all the stress I may have been building up on the pavement.  It leaves me with a feeling of breathless accomplishment every time I push myself a little further.

I am a goal-oriented person.  I need something to work for.  Right now? It's being able to run 5k without stopping. After that?  Actually register for and run a 5k....and then some 5ks.  After that? Who knows...I just know that I've found an activity that's mine and mine alone.  No teammates.  No fellow actors.  Just a network of people congratulating me and encouraging me...but the action alone is mine. 

I didn't realize how badly I needed just that.