Aware

It's been one of those weeks where I'm very aware of my size.

Do you know what I'm talking about? 

Most days I don't think about it.  My clothes all fit fairly well to very well and I'm comfortable and confident in them. 

I'm doing well at my day job during the day and at my theatre "job" in the evenings (I think).  I'm paying lots of attention to my family.  Things are going well, so why am I suddenly so self-aware and subesequently self-conscious?

It didn't even really hit me until this morning.  I was scrolling through everyone's Halloween pictures on Facebook as I drank my coffee, and I came across a picture my brother had posted of my sister-in-law, who is just a few months pregnant. She looked adorable in a black t-shirt that had a small pumpkin right where her (barely visible) baby bump was growing.  Suddenly I just got sad about the most random thing...

There's kind of a tradition that's going around with some women in my life who have had/are having babies.  There's this ratty pair of overalls that they all loan to the currently pregnant one so that they can have something comfy to wear in their final months of pregnancy, and they all sign their names and the year on the inside of the leg.  It's really sweet and cute....but the thing is?  I couldn't wear those overalls NOW. I couldn't wear them if I lost another 15 pounds from where I am now.  So...yeah, you do the math there.  There's no way I'll be able to be a part of this tradition.

I've made fun of it to my husband, but the truth is, I feel really bitter and left out. 

Another reason I've been aware of my size lately....we're in the process of really hammering out the details of Café des Artistes (the show I'm working on right now, in case you've not been paying attention), including all the technical aspects: lights, inspirations with which to dress the set/scenery, etc.  Since it's a small theatre company, we're all pulling from our own closets for costumes.  I had some ideas, but maybe don't own everything I need....and I let myself get into a really stupid, dark place yesterday about the fact that there's not a friend I have right now from whom I could borrow anything, because their clothes wouldn't fit me. 

As I mentioned in my Five Things post yesterday, there are just times when I sink into this insecurity and awareness that I'm often the biggest person in the room (I typed "world" first...WHOA there subconscious, calm down).  I felt that way all during Snoopy!!! rehearsals and I've felt that way at times in this show. 

And before you say anything...I ALREADY KNOW. I know how far I've come, I know I've accomplished so much awesome stuff health-wise and mentally since 2009...but there is just sometimes this epic war in my mind between the side of me that knows I have a LOT to be proud of and the side of me that wants to just be awkward and self-conscious.  I have to actively get myself out of these funks, and sometimes that's exhausting.  Or, when I am actually exhausted, I don't have the mental capacity to fight it and before I know it I'm in a weird place and just don't wanna talk to anyone.

I'll get over it.  I promise.  This show will open and it will be AH-MAZING, and then I will ease myself back into running and I'll feel great. 

I just needed to get that out.