Weighing on my Mind, Part 2

Today I am 39 weeks pregnant.  Which means it's officially one week exactly until my due date. 

The first thing weighing on my mind right now, obviously, is "LET'S GO BABY R, IT'S TIME TO GET THIS SHOW ON THE ROAD!"

One, because I'm anxious to meet him or her.  I'm tired of saying "it."  I'm ready to know who the baby looks more like...whether or not it has red hair...whether or not it has hair at ALL...all those things.  I'm happy that I've provided such a comfortable living environment for this child, but it's time to make your DEBUT, little one!

Two, because I really don't want to go past my due date and start hearing words like "induction."  I had my 39 week appointment this morning and not a lot of progress is being made (I'll save terms like "dilation and effacement" for the birth story, when it actually matters. You're welcome.), but some is.  Just...not as much as I was hoping for. 

So, if I make it to my next week's appointment (which will be right at 40 weeks), I'll have to have a sonogram and a BPP (biophysical profile) to just make sure the baby is comfy and not stressing out and that fluid levels are good.  This is not a big deal...it's just a way to check to make sure they can let me go a little longer and not have to induce labor.  I just...ehhhh....I don't want another sonogram.  I don't want to start throwing around terms like "fluid levels" and "biophysical profile."  I know that it's just a precautionary measure to make sure we don't have to induce, but I just am now hoping and praying that Baby R decides s/he's ready to meet us before next Thursday's appointment!

Here's another thing that's been "weigh"-ing on my mind.  Remember when I wrote this post about the total mindf**k that is gaining weight during pregnancy when you've struggled and fought the scale your whole life?

Well I didn't stay under the number I was hoping to stay under (that was kind of a pipe dream anyway, I think....and my immense cravings for sugary sweet things and Slurpees didn't help, either), but I'm STILL under the Big Scary Number, which is the heaviest I have ever been in my life:

December 2009 at my heaviest. I HATE this picture.

As of today, I am STILL 2lbs under this number, and I'm 9 months pregnant (10, really, if you wanna count the WHOLE thing and that month you don't know you're pregnant).  To me, this is a HUGE accomplishment.  If I can grow another human being inside of my body and eat pretty much whatever I want (because believe that I DID) during pregnancy and still not hit my highest weight ever, then I'm happy.  Also, I KNOW I can lose the weight.  Because I've already done it. 

So there's THAT.

The THIRD thing weighing on my mind these days...FEAR.

Absolutely petrifying fear.  I have NO idea what to expect....both from labor & delivery AND from, oh you know, TAKING CARE OF A NEWBORN. 

I started crying last weekend because I told Michael I'm scared.  I've been getting these great emails all throughout my pregnancy about which baby products are best, and what's best to have around the house as soon as Baby is born, etc....but the last couple of them were about postpartum recovery.  Sheesh...according to these emails, my bathroom will resemble a horror movie and/or a HazMat zone and everything is going to hurt LIKE A LOT and blood everywhere and sitting down hurts and....yeah.  Sounds reassuring, huh?

I started to get more afraid of recovery than actual delivery.  I have, since then, talked to a few women and felt a little better knowing that it's obviously different for every woman.  But still.  It's scary to think about being exhausted, hormonal, AND busted up from delivery.  It's also scary to think about poor Michael dealing with all of that.

So I'm back to praying.  Praying that God will take away my fear because, underneath my fears I still want to go as natural and medical/intervention-free as possible.  I know I can do it.  I was designed to do it.

It's a strange mental place to be in, these last few weeks.  I'm scared, but I'm excited.  I'm nervous, but I'm anxious.  I have no idea what to expect.  I could go another two weeks (NOOOOOO) or I could be at the hospital tonight.  It's times like these that show me what a control freak I really am about some things...I like to plan my life, and you just can't plan for some things.  I can prepare a nursery, but there's no real way to prepare yourself for something you've never done before.

So I'm trying to go back to the prayers and the affirmations and the meditation on what a beautiful and natural experience this is, and how blessed we are to have the opportunity to have a family. 

I'm hoping that my next blog post will be a birth story, so, thanks for sticking around this blog this whole pregnancy with me!!