Today Sam over at Operation Jack posted his running playlist. I'm still fine-tuning mine, but I'll at least post what I got through yesterday on my very accomplished (for me) run. Keep in mind this is not consistent, necesssarily, and it was fairly arbitrary since I just put a bunch of songs I like on a "Running" playlist and then put the playlist on Shuffle. But, here's what I listened to:
Adam Lambert "If I Had You." I. Love. This. Song. It's even better on the elliptical, but it was a nice rockin' start to my run.
"A Thousand Angels" by my good friends in Manic Bloom. Check these guys out...I love their sound and I predict they're gonna be HUGE some day.
"Death and Conversation," also by Manic Bloom (MUSIC VIDEO COMING SOON!)
"Everything" by Michael Buble. I love this song b/c it reminds me of my wedding day.
"And So We Run" by David Usher (also the title of yesterday's blog post, for those of you paying attention). I'm kind of obssessed with David Usher right now, and this is one of my favorites.
"You've Got the Love" by Florence and the Machine. Ain't nothin' on this album I DON'T love.
"Club Can't Handle Me" by Flo Rida featuring David Guetta. This one TOTALLY pumped me up as I was nearing the end of my route and feeling a little bedraggled.
"Disappear" by the Gabe Dixon Band. This one came on in the home stretch of my run. I know and love this song so much that it made it very easy to finish.
Now! What's on YOUR playlist?
May 17, 2011
A Mid-Year Resolution
I feel like a lot of times when I get on here to talk about things, there's a lot of frustration that comes out -- mostly about how I'm feeling as a result of something that has happened to upset me. A lot of that comes from social networking anxiety. How silly is that? But let's face it, it's a HUGE part of our lives now and a part of our generation that even the most adamant and staunchly anti-technology people cannot ignore for much longer. How many of us got the word about Osama Bin Laden via Facebook? Twitter? I only knew to turn on the television for an unscheduled announcement from the President thanks to Twitter. Otherwise, I would've probably continued to watch old episodes of My So-Called Life on Netflix all night and not heard about anything until the next morning.
Most of us have a love/hate relationship with social networking. It's made everyone an expert, everyone a critic, everyone a pundit, everyone knows everything and has the right to share opinions at the click of a mouse or the touch of a screen. Of course this has pros and cons. The good is shared immediately, but so is the obnoxious. Luckily there are electronic limits and boundaries we have the opportunitiy to use to keep our circles as small as possible, but sometimes we limit ourselves so much that we miss too much. So we open it back up...get pissed...close it up...you get the idea.
But the other day I had an epiphany...
What if we used even the negative to find a positive? What if, instead of blocking someone for constantly venting about his or her frustrating life....we sent them a note or a tweet telling them we were thinking about them or asking them out for a cup of coffee? What if, instead of calling someone a hypocrite for posting about scripture one moment and then cursing out someone the next....we saw a possible struggle within them and stopped and prayed for them?
Twitter and Facebook and other social networking sites (God, are there others? It's hard to keep up with those two!) have made it so easy to write off a person as being "too outspoken," or "always negative," or "self-righteous and pious."
I think we've forgotten that a person is not defined by 140 characters or a status update or a YouTube link. Yes, it's something that person is thinking and feeling at that very moment...but have we really been fooled into thinking that the incredibly complex human beings we were created to be are so easily defined and pigeon-holed?
This morning I was talking to a friend that I've never met in person, and all of this kind of came to mind. There is a small group of "online pen pals" that I have thanks to the early days of blogging back in 2005 or so. A small few of us have kept in touch via email and yes, even Facebook and Twitter and such. Then there are some new people I've met thanks to other online groups (running buddies and classical music lovers on Twitter, family-oriented people with similarly dorky loves [coughFIREFLYcough] through a photography group on Flickr, etc.) that I truly enjoy communicating with.
The world getting smaller due to technology is a myth. The world is just as big...the types of people are just as spread across the vast spectrum of personalities, likes, dislikes...and we have SO many opportunities! We can connect with someone instantly over a love of an opera....the quest to run a 5k/marathon/relay for a cause we both passionately believe in....a prayer request for someone who is, when it comes right down to it, a stranger.
I will focus on the good things...and I make a resolution (I can make a mid-year resolution, right?) to try to read between the lines and not make so many snap judgments. A person is a person, not a tweet...not a status update. And while there are many who use social media just to be trolls...I have a feeling that most of us could take a moment and see that there's a human being with feelings and problems and stressors and emotions behind that avatar of theirs.
I challenge you to do the same. Before you get pissed off at a tweet or a status update...stop yourself and try to look deeper. Send a note to someone who has been posting negative or forlorn things lately. Tell them you're thinking about them. Ask them if there is anything they would like you to pray about with them/for them.
I think we may see a difference in our own output when we care more about others'. Wanna try it with me?
Most of us have a love/hate relationship with social networking. It's made everyone an expert, everyone a critic, everyone a pundit, everyone knows everything and has the right to share opinions at the click of a mouse or the touch of a screen. Of course this has pros and cons. The good is shared immediately, but so is the obnoxious. Luckily there are electronic limits and boundaries we have the opportunitiy to use to keep our circles as small as possible, but sometimes we limit ourselves so much that we miss too much. So we open it back up...get pissed...close it up...you get the idea.
But the other day I had an epiphany...
What if we used even the negative to find a positive? What if, instead of blocking someone for constantly venting about his or her frustrating life....we sent them a note or a tweet telling them we were thinking about them or asking them out for a cup of coffee? What if, instead of calling someone a hypocrite for posting about scripture one moment and then cursing out someone the next....we saw a possible struggle within them and stopped and prayed for them?
Twitter and Facebook and other social networking sites (God, are there others? It's hard to keep up with those two!) have made it so easy to write off a person as being "too outspoken," or "always negative," or "self-righteous and pious."
I think we've forgotten that a person is not defined by 140 characters or a status update or a YouTube link. Yes, it's something that person is thinking and feeling at that very moment...but have we really been fooled into thinking that the incredibly complex human beings we were created to be are so easily defined and pigeon-holed?
This morning I was talking to a friend that I've never met in person, and all of this kind of came to mind. There is a small group of "online pen pals" that I have thanks to the early days of blogging back in 2005 or so. A small few of us have kept in touch via email and yes, even Facebook and Twitter and such. Then there are some new people I've met thanks to other online groups (running buddies and classical music lovers on Twitter, family-oriented people with similarly dorky loves [coughFIREFLYcough] through a photography group on Flickr, etc.) that I truly enjoy communicating with.
The world getting smaller due to technology is a myth. The world is just as big...the types of people are just as spread across the vast spectrum of personalities, likes, dislikes...and we have SO many opportunities! We can connect with someone instantly over a love of an opera....the quest to run a 5k/marathon/relay for a cause we both passionately believe in....a prayer request for someone who is, when it comes right down to it, a stranger.
I will focus on the good things...and I make a resolution (I can make a mid-year resolution, right?) to try to read between the lines and not make so many snap judgments. A person is a person, not a tweet...not a status update. And while there are many who use social media just to be trolls...I have a feeling that most of us could take a moment and see that there's a human being with feelings and problems and stressors and emotions behind that avatar of theirs.
I challenge you to do the same. Before you get pissed off at a tweet or a status update...stop yourself and try to look deeper. Send a note to someone who has been posting negative or forlorn things lately. Tell them you're thinking about them. Ask them if there is anything they would like you to pray about with them/for them.
I think we may see a difference in our own output when we care more about others'. Wanna try it with me?
May 16, 2011
And so we run
I've been staring at this blank, open blogger window for a few days now (on separate occasions of course...I have slept and worked and done other things of course) trying to think of how to just jump back into this non-theatre, non-devotional-inspired blogging. I suppose I should just make it simple:
I've gained some weight back...only about 10-12 lbs or so of what I lost (of which I've re-lost about 5, so net gain is really about 5-7lbs).
I've decided not to attempt the Susan G. Komen 3-Day Walk for the Cure again this year. My teammates and I agree we may try it again next year, but a year off seemed to fit our current lifestyles/schedules. I think we all breathed a sigh of relief when we each realized the other was thinking the same thing.
This has left me feeling...unsettled. Lazy. Unmotivated. Bummed out. ROUND AND SOFT.
I can't even tell you when I decided, "You know what? Maybe I'll try running." Maybe it was when I realized that running three times a week and drastically counting calories again would be the best way to jump start my weight loss again. Maybe it was because I ended up following some Twitter people who are running for one reason or another (for themselves, for weight loss, for therapy/alone time, for a cause, etc.) and I thought "they really seem to enjoy this -- I wonder if I would?"
Turns out? I kinda do. Like, a lot.
I'm slow. I can't run very far without feeling like dying. I get winded quickly. Old ladies with walkers pass me (okay that's not true).
But I'm doing it. I'm going three times a week. I recently discovered that I enjoy running outside more than running on a treadmill going nowhere. Until today, I was running two miles, three times a week...mostly without stopping.
Today, I decided to push myself a little. I mapped out a new route and I ran 2.61 miles in beautiful weather. While I struggled with my rhythm and my stride at times, I never stopped to walk. I always regained a breathing pattern that I could maintain.
I'm not doing Couch to 5k. I'm not quite sure what I'm doing. I don't have special shoes or gel packs or special methods. I'm just out on the pavement...taking measured breaths every few strides, in and out, and reaching small goals at a time.
It calms me. It gives me time to think and to breathe and to leave all the stress I may have been building up on the pavement. It leaves me with a feeling of breathless accomplishment every time I push myself a little further.
I am a goal-oriented person. I need something to work for. Right now? It's being able to run 5k without stopping. After that? Actually register for and run a 5k....and then some 5ks. After that? Who knows...I just know that I've found an activity that's mine and mine alone. No teammates. No fellow actors. Just a network of people congratulating me and encouraging me...but the action alone is mine.
I didn't realize how badly I needed just that.
I've gained some weight back...only about 10-12 lbs or so of what I lost (of which I've re-lost about 5, so net gain is really about 5-7lbs).
I've decided not to attempt the Susan G. Komen 3-Day Walk for the Cure again this year. My teammates and I agree we may try it again next year, but a year off seemed to fit our current lifestyles/schedules. I think we all breathed a sigh of relief when we each realized the other was thinking the same thing.
This has left me feeling...unsettled. Lazy. Unmotivated. Bummed out. ROUND AND SOFT.
I can't even tell you when I decided, "You know what? Maybe I'll try running." Maybe it was when I realized that running three times a week and drastically counting calories again would be the best way to jump start my weight loss again. Maybe it was because I ended up following some Twitter people who are running for one reason or another (for themselves, for weight loss, for therapy/alone time, for a cause, etc.) and I thought "they really seem to enjoy this -- I wonder if I would?"
Turns out? I kinda do. Like, a lot.
I'm slow. I can't run very far without feeling like dying. I get winded quickly. Old ladies with walkers pass me (okay that's not true).
But I'm doing it. I'm going three times a week. I recently discovered that I enjoy running outside more than running on a treadmill going nowhere. Until today, I was running two miles, three times a week...mostly without stopping.
Today, I decided to push myself a little. I mapped out a new route and I ran 2.61 miles in beautiful weather. While I struggled with my rhythm and my stride at times, I never stopped to walk. I always regained a breathing pattern that I could maintain.
I'm not doing Couch to 5k. I'm not quite sure what I'm doing. I don't have special shoes or gel packs or special methods. I'm just out on the pavement...taking measured breaths every few strides, in and out, and reaching small goals at a time.
It calms me. It gives me time to think and to breathe and to leave all the stress I may have been building up on the pavement. It leaves me with a feeling of breathless accomplishment every time I push myself a little further.
I am a goal-oriented person. I need something to work for. Right now? It's being able to run 5k without stopping. After that? Actually register for and run a 5k....and then some 5ks. After that? Who knows...I just know that I've found an activity that's mine and mine alone. No teammates. No fellow actors. Just a network of people congratulating me and encouraging me...but the action alone is mine.
I didn't realize how badly I needed just that.
April 25, 2011
Time to Rest
From my Girlfriends in God devotional this morning:
I have always loved music and began taking piano lessons at the age of five. I will never forget that first piano lesson with Mrs. McKenzie, a very sweet, elderly woman who played the piano beautifully. Her hair was slightly blue, her house smelled like lemon drops and she had clocks that chimed and rang every fifteen minutes. I was so excited and so ready to play the piano like my sister who played for our church worship services. Betty was an amazing pianist and I was desperately hoping that same musical ability filtered down to me.Time to rest.
"Let's get started," Mrs. McKenzie said. I climbed up on the piano bench, waiting for her brilliant instruction to begin. She placed a bright, red piano book in front of me and invited me to open it to the first page. I was disappointed to see only little, black pictures. Where was the music? Where were the songs? Mrs. McKenzie smiled as she patiently began to explain the musical symbols pictured in the book before me. I soon grew restless. "What's the matter?" she asked. "I want to play the piano, please," I sweetly responded. With a knowing smile, she said, "We'll get to that." I was not happy. On and on - for what seemed like hours, Mrs. McKenzie pointed to funny-shaped black symbols, named them and explained their meaning. I was not impressed. I just wanted to get my hands on that keyboard!
Sensing my impatience, Mrs. McKenzie pointed to one of the symbols on the page before me and said, "Mary, this small, black box is called a 'rest' and is one of the most important symbols in music." I simply did not care. It did nothing but sit on a page in useless and unproductive silence. I wanted music. "Do you know why rests are so important in music?" she persisted. Obviously, I had no clue. She then said something I remember to this day, "The music that comes after the rest is the most beautiful music of all." At the time, I did not understand the deeper meaning of those words, but life and time have illustrated their importance and their truth.
The best part of life comes after we rest in God. The most beautiful service follows time at His feet. Rest is a powerful part of our life song. Just as the rest in music prepares the listener for what comes next, time spent in rest is an invaluable time of preparation and restoration. Yet, we often buy the enemy’s lie that to rest is a waste. The psalmist disagrees when he writes: He makes me to lie down in green pastures ... He restores my soul... (Psalm 23:2-3). Now that word “makes” takes on a whole new meaning when it comes to God’s work in and through us. Understand that if we refuse to rest, the Father will “make” us rest. The good news is that time spent in rest is the prelude of God’s restoration power.
April 22, 2011
If You Can't Say Something Nice
"I hate my legs."
That's the very first thing I think about myself when I see ANY picture of me that isn't from the waist up only. I don't pay attention to the fact that I have a waist now. I don't notice how blue my eyes look, or that my hair is AWESOMELY red. I jump immediately to the negative.
I had a voice teacher once who used to stop me before I could even open my mouth before I came offstage from a departmental performance or even after finishing a run-through of a song in a lesson. Before I could immediately say something like "Ugh, my phrasing was terrible there," or, "I totally cracked on the high note," she would say, "Okay! Name three things you liked about that before you say anything else." She wouldn't offer a single constructive criticism, which, as my voice teacher, she was kind of being paid to do, until we talked about three good things about my performance.
I've found that I have kept that with me about my performing or even about my work day ("Well, today was a beating...but at least I finished A, B and C." Okay so I do it backwards, but I still mention some good things almost immediately).
Why can't I do that about myself? Why can't I look at a picture of me and say "My facial expression in that photo is awesome. Look how long and pretty my hair is! Wow, you can actually see that I have a waist! Go me!" Instead, I let a picture of me completely ruin my evening and send me into a downward spiral of depression and self-loathing.
Will that ever stop? Will I always be SO hard on myself? I mentioned in the dressing room last night that I was really disappointed in myself for letting myself gain about 9-10lbs back after all the work I'd done and that I could really see it in the pictures. One of my castmates said, "Mandy, do you know what you'd be saying to one of us if we were saying these same things? You'd be telling us how awesome we look and to stop being so hard on ourselves."
I don't have a problem building people around me up. I love doing that.
So why can't I do that for myself?
Okay, here we go...three nice things about myself:
1) I have lost over 30lbs and, with the exception of a minor setback, have kept all but the aforementioned 9-10lbs off. I have realized this and ALREADY begun working hard to get back on the wagon. I am making GOOD choices. I have nowhere to go but down (on the scale, that is) if I keep it up.
2) I am singing the crap out of my role in this show, and I love hearing more than just polite applause when I'm finished. I get at least one "Woooooo hoo!" every night. THAT is awesome.
3) I have really amazing hair. It looks even better the longer it gets. It's an awesome, natural color and it's healthy and soft and pretty.
Maybe I should do this every day. Maybe we all should.
That's the very first thing I think about myself when I see ANY picture of me that isn't from the waist up only. I don't pay attention to the fact that I have a waist now. I don't notice how blue my eyes look, or that my hair is AWESOMELY red. I jump immediately to the negative.
I had a voice teacher once who used to stop me before I could even open my mouth before I came offstage from a departmental performance or even after finishing a run-through of a song in a lesson. Before I could immediately say something like "Ugh, my phrasing was terrible there," or, "I totally cracked on the high note," she would say, "Okay! Name three things you liked about that before you say anything else." She wouldn't offer a single constructive criticism, which, as my voice teacher, she was kind of being paid to do, until we talked about three good things about my performance.
I've found that I have kept that with me about my performing or even about my work day ("Well, today was a beating...but at least I finished A, B and C." Okay so I do it backwards, but I still mention some good things almost immediately).
Why can't I do that about myself? Why can't I look at a picture of me and say "My facial expression in that photo is awesome. Look how long and pretty my hair is! Wow, you can actually see that I have a waist! Go me!" Instead, I let a picture of me completely ruin my evening and send me into a downward spiral of depression and self-loathing.
Will that ever stop? Will I always be SO hard on myself? I mentioned in the dressing room last night that I was really disappointed in myself for letting myself gain about 9-10lbs back after all the work I'd done and that I could really see it in the pictures. One of my castmates said, "Mandy, do you know what you'd be saying to one of us if we were saying these same things? You'd be telling us how awesome we look and to stop being so hard on ourselves."
I don't have a problem building people around me up. I love doing that.
So why can't I do that for myself?
Okay, here we go...three nice things about myself:
1) I have lost over 30lbs and, with the exception of a minor setback, have kept all but the aforementioned 9-10lbs off. I have realized this and ALREADY begun working hard to get back on the wagon. I am making GOOD choices. I have nowhere to go but down (on the scale, that is) if I keep it up.
2) I am singing the crap out of my role in this show, and I love hearing more than just polite applause when I'm finished. I get at least one "Woooooo hoo!" every night. THAT is awesome.
3) I have really amazing hair. It looks even better the longer it gets. It's an awesome, natural color and it's healthy and soft and pretty.
Maybe I should do this every day. Maybe we all should.
February 11, 2011
Ignoring the Wind
This blog post has been brewing in my mind for a long time. What's been stopping me from writing it is knowing that I'm going to come across as a lot of negative things: bitter, angry, selfish, resentful, arrogant, childish, etc.
Basically, I'm not going to sound very likeable at all, and I want people to like me. I want people to like me so badly, in fact, that THAT is a large factor in why I struggle and have been feeling sorry for myself lately.
Ever since I started trying to follow God's path for my life again, I have struggled with the performance area of my life. At first, the main struggle was just the WHY of it. WHY was I auditioning for show after show? WHY was I performing? And, selfishly, WHY was I not getting the accolades I thought I deserved? I had to admit to myself that I was doing a lot of my theatrical work for MY OWN glory and not for the glory of He who gave me the talents I have.
So, I took a break. I went several months without auditioning for anything, and I spent a lot of quality time with some friends and more importantly, with my husband. Then some shows came up that I was really interested in, and I started auditioning again. I prayed that whatever the outcome of those auditions, they would be God's doing and I would see the silver linings when and if I wasn't cast. I got a small string of rejections, but each was a success in one way or another and I was feeling good about just getting back out there and creating and being artistic, even if it was only for a few minutes during an audition side/monologue. Then I was finally cast in a beautiful show, which opens next week (see my theatre blog for more info), and the timing of said show allowed me to audition for and be cast in a production for which my husband will be music directing. Perfect! Everything worked out just as it should have to benefit me and my family the most, and I'm thrilled.
Okay...so I feel like I am finally getting some control over the choosing of shows and the balance of my deeply rooted artistic desires and the absolute need to prioritize and put my God, my husband and family before anything else. It's not easy and I am still working on it, but I feel confident in that. Great. But here's what else I've noticed on this break from theatre...
(Also, for the record? Here's where I start to whine. Just sayin'.)
(I'm also going to make some generalizations of theatre people. It doesn't mean YOU, necessarily, so don't get all hurt unless you have reason to.)
I've noticed that my social calendar and my phone got awfully...quiet. Not being in a show, not reviewing shows anymore, and not necessarily having the funds or even the DESIRE to go see 3-4 shows a month anymore has completely taken me out of the "scene." And being in that "scene" for so long is where I got most of my false notions of friendships and the thought that I was actually a part of a circle.
Out of sight, out of mind -- that's how I felt. And how I am still struggling with feeling. I stopped hearing from people, so I tried reaching out. Yes, I used social media, which some would say isn't really trying....but who doesn't? I tried wall posts, messages, texts, tweets...and responses just dwindled or never came at all. I DO recognize that the problem with my job sitting at a desk all day and being constantly able to be online creates the incessant need, at least in me, to have interaction. I know.
Then one day I noticed that I had well over 500 "friends" on Facebook. So, I decided it was time for a purge. I went in with a hard and fast rule: if I hadn't had, IN THE VERY LEAST, Facebook interaction with a person, much less a real-life (read: in person or phone call) interaction with someone since The Producers: deleted. This eliminated over 80 people from my friends list. That was pretty amazing to me. It showed me just how many people I kept around just to keep tabs on or "network" with or make sure they had access to all that I was doing. Silly, right?
I also decided to do what I call a "Michael test." My husband will sometimes test out people just to prove a point...I usually hate it when he does it b/c he'll do it to ME...like waiting me out when I promise I'll do the dishes or fold the laundry...and then I don't, and he just looks at me with raised eyebrows that SCREAM "I told you so." Normally I laugh at it because he's such a good-natured pain in the butt that I can't be annoyed with him. But MY test was just to stop reaching out...and see if people came and sought me out. I was right, in a way....I still really heard nothing from people I wanted to hear from.
But being right didn't help how left out and lonely I still felt. The people I missed....I still missed. I started getting stupid and paranoid and wondering if they were all just getting together without me and leaving me out on purpose. I saw pictures of get-togethers and parties I never heard about and I got my feelings hurt. So then I do the very grown up and adult thing of putting out some really whiny and emo stuff, especially on Twitter. I'm sure that made me REAL attractive and just made them miss me SO much (ahem....that was sarcasm, in case you couldn't tell).
Yes, I feel like a teenager again. I'm wondering who my real friends are and who just spent time with me because it was convenient...because I was always around at a rehearsal or a cast party or a theatre-related event. And even WORSE than that? I started resenting people...big time. I have lately found myself being completely unable to be happy for certain people and their successes. I recently found out about some people getting this or that or singing at another weekly event that I just can't seem to get on the bill for and I nearly cried. I actually felt that horrible, petulant, temper-tantrum-throwing 5-year-old in me have a FIT and struggle to break through the almost 30-year-old exterior. And NOW I'm just in a place where I am flailing and feeling lonely and thinking I've just ruined everything with anyone.
Man, I wonder why I have any friends at all now that I'm putting this down in writing....
When I'm not feeling sorry for myself I tell myself, and truly believe, that this is another one of God's ways of drawing me back to His arms. That I can't seek approval from others, that that scene I miss so very much sometimes was just a breeding ground for sin and temptation for me and a place for me to just worry about being liked instead of being ME and trying to set a good example for myself and others.
So...why hasn't that been giving me more peace? Well I can't help but think that a HUGE part of it is the fact that I've been completely disregarding my devotional emails every morning. I make sure I don't delete them with all the spam emails I get daily, but I don't stop and read them anymore. I've been told all my life about how staying in the Word will keep me on track, and I know it's true, but I am just so selfish and lazy and BAD about being committed to reading it every day. Even when it's emailed to me with handy links to the scriptures...I find a way to stop doing it. (the preceding has been written in #frustrationfont)
Well, today I finally opened up a devotional email, and with a bad attitude at that. I saw that we were still in Isaiah, and I heaved the biggest sigh known to MAN and just started reading. And this is what I read:
KEY VERSE:
Therefore the Lord longs to be gracious to you,
And therefore He waits on high to have compassion on you
For the Lord is a God of justice;
How blessed are all those who long for Him. (Isaiah 30:18)
CENTRAL TRUTH
God desires to love us intimately, rescue us from bondage, and change our hearts to be more like His. He longs to do this for us—just like He did for the people of Judah—even in the midst of rebellious attitudes and actions.
REFLECTIONS
As I prepared to write this, I was stuck in a difficult season. It was like Matthew 14 where Jesus tells Peter to walk towards Him on the water. Peter does just fine until he notices the wind. That’s when he begins to sink.
When I take my eyes off of Jesus, I begin to sink in a sea of negative thoughts. I allow myself to fall into a vicious cycle of performance-based thinking, trying to do everything right to achieve my own glory and approval from others. I can go on this way for awhile until my “performance” begins to falter. While a “good” performance feels like “life,” a bad performance has me drowning in the sea of self-condemnation. Sounds terrible, I know. That’s why I need Jesus!
Um....yeah. WHY am I always so surprised when God puts exactly what I need right in front of my face??
If you pray...please pray for me. Pray that I will continue to keep my eyes on Jesus and stop wallowing in these horrible, negative, self-condemning thoughts...the "wind" that caused Peter to start sinking. Pray that I will stop caring SO much about the approval of others and worry MUCH more about the approval of my Savior.
Also...I'm trying. Please be patient with me and don't write me off completely as a terrible person or a bitch. I'm just still struggling with the transition of priorities in my life and maintaining a balance and fighting off the Enemy's attempts to make me hateful and selfish and needy. I want to be needy...but I want to need Jesus and His approval. I want to seek Him first, and know that, when I do, "all these things will be added also."
Basically, I'm not going to sound very likeable at all, and I want people to like me. I want people to like me so badly, in fact, that THAT is a large factor in why I struggle and have been feeling sorry for myself lately.
Ever since I started trying to follow God's path for my life again, I have struggled with the performance area of my life. At first, the main struggle was just the WHY of it. WHY was I auditioning for show after show? WHY was I performing? And, selfishly, WHY was I not getting the accolades I thought I deserved? I had to admit to myself that I was doing a lot of my theatrical work for MY OWN glory and not for the glory of He who gave me the talents I have.
So, I took a break. I went several months without auditioning for anything, and I spent a lot of quality time with some friends and more importantly, with my husband. Then some shows came up that I was really interested in, and I started auditioning again. I prayed that whatever the outcome of those auditions, they would be God's doing and I would see the silver linings when and if I wasn't cast. I got a small string of rejections, but each was a success in one way or another and I was feeling good about just getting back out there and creating and being artistic, even if it was only for a few minutes during an audition side/monologue. Then I was finally cast in a beautiful show, which opens next week (see my theatre blog for more info), and the timing of said show allowed me to audition for and be cast in a production for which my husband will be music directing. Perfect! Everything worked out just as it should have to benefit me and my family the most, and I'm thrilled.
Okay...so I feel like I am finally getting some control over the choosing of shows and the balance of my deeply rooted artistic desires and the absolute need to prioritize and put my God, my husband and family before anything else. It's not easy and I am still working on it, but I feel confident in that. Great. But here's what else I've noticed on this break from theatre...
(Also, for the record? Here's where I start to whine. Just sayin'.)
(I'm also going to make some generalizations of theatre people. It doesn't mean YOU, necessarily, so don't get all hurt unless you have reason to.)
I've noticed that my social calendar and my phone got awfully...quiet. Not being in a show, not reviewing shows anymore, and not necessarily having the funds or even the DESIRE to go see 3-4 shows a month anymore has completely taken me out of the "scene." And being in that "scene" for so long is where I got most of my false notions of friendships and the thought that I was actually a part of a circle.
Out of sight, out of mind -- that's how I felt. And how I am still struggling with feeling. I stopped hearing from people, so I tried reaching out. Yes, I used social media, which some would say isn't really trying....but who doesn't? I tried wall posts, messages, texts, tweets...and responses just dwindled or never came at all. I DO recognize that the problem with my job sitting at a desk all day and being constantly able to be online creates the incessant need, at least in me, to have interaction. I know.
Then one day I noticed that I had well over 500 "friends" on Facebook. So, I decided it was time for a purge. I went in with a hard and fast rule: if I hadn't had, IN THE VERY LEAST, Facebook interaction with a person, much less a real-life (read: in person or phone call) interaction with someone since The Producers: deleted. This eliminated over 80 people from my friends list. That was pretty amazing to me. It showed me just how many people I kept around just to keep tabs on or "network" with or make sure they had access to all that I was doing. Silly, right?
I also decided to do what I call a "Michael test." My husband will sometimes test out people just to prove a point...I usually hate it when he does it b/c he'll do it to ME...like waiting me out when I promise I'll do the dishes or fold the laundry...and then I don't, and he just looks at me with raised eyebrows that SCREAM "I told you so." Normally I laugh at it because he's such a good-natured pain in the butt that I can't be annoyed with him. But MY test was just to stop reaching out...and see if people came and sought me out. I was right, in a way....I still really heard nothing from people I wanted to hear from.
But being right didn't help how left out and lonely I still felt. The people I missed....I still missed. I started getting stupid and paranoid and wondering if they were all just getting together without me and leaving me out on purpose. I saw pictures of get-togethers and parties I never heard about and I got my feelings hurt. So then I do the very grown up and adult thing of putting out some really whiny and emo stuff, especially on Twitter. I'm sure that made me REAL attractive and just made them miss me SO much (ahem....that was sarcasm, in case you couldn't tell).
Yes, I feel like a teenager again. I'm wondering who my real friends are and who just spent time with me because it was convenient...because I was always around at a rehearsal or a cast party or a theatre-related event. And even WORSE than that? I started resenting people...big time. I have lately found myself being completely unable to be happy for certain people and their successes. I recently found out about some people getting this or that or singing at another weekly event that I just can't seem to get on the bill for and I nearly cried. I actually felt that horrible, petulant, temper-tantrum-throwing 5-year-old in me have a FIT and struggle to break through the almost 30-year-old exterior. And NOW I'm just in a place where I am flailing and feeling lonely and thinking I've just ruined everything with anyone.
Man, I wonder why I have any friends at all now that I'm putting this down in writing....
When I'm not feeling sorry for myself I tell myself, and truly believe, that this is another one of God's ways of drawing me back to His arms. That I can't seek approval from others, that that scene I miss so very much sometimes was just a breeding ground for sin and temptation for me and a place for me to just worry about being liked instead of being ME and trying to set a good example for myself and others.
So...why hasn't that been giving me more peace? Well I can't help but think that a HUGE part of it is the fact that I've been completely disregarding my devotional emails every morning. I make sure I don't delete them with all the spam emails I get daily, but I don't stop and read them anymore. I've been told all my life about how staying in the Word will keep me on track, and I know it's true, but I am just so selfish and lazy and BAD about being committed to reading it every day. Even when it's emailed to me with handy links to the scriptures...I find a way to stop doing it. (the preceding has been written in #frustrationfont)
Well, today I finally opened up a devotional email, and with a bad attitude at that. I saw that we were still in Isaiah, and I heaved the biggest sigh known to MAN and just started reading. And this is what I read:
KEY VERSE:
Therefore the Lord longs to be gracious to you,
And therefore He waits on high to have compassion on you
For the Lord is a God of justice;
How blessed are all those who long for Him. (Isaiah 30:18)
CENTRAL TRUTH
God desires to love us intimately, rescue us from bondage, and change our hearts to be more like His. He longs to do this for us—just like He did for the people of Judah—even in the midst of rebellious attitudes and actions.
REFLECTIONS
As I prepared to write this, I was stuck in a difficult season. It was like Matthew 14 where Jesus tells Peter to walk towards Him on the water. Peter does just fine until he notices the wind. That’s when he begins to sink.
When I take my eyes off of Jesus, I begin to sink in a sea of negative thoughts. I allow myself to fall into a vicious cycle of performance-based thinking, trying to do everything right to achieve my own glory and approval from others. I can go on this way for awhile until my “performance” begins to falter. While a “good” performance feels like “life,” a bad performance has me drowning in the sea of self-condemnation. Sounds terrible, I know. That’s why I need Jesus!
Um....yeah. WHY am I always so surprised when God puts exactly what I need right in front of my face??
If you pray...please pray for me. Pray that I will continue to keep my eyes on Jesus and stop wallowing in these horrible, negative, self-condemning thoughts...the "wind" that caused Peter to start sinking. Pray that I will stop caring SO much about the approval of others and worry MUCH more about the approval of my Savior.
Also...I'm trying. Please be patient with me and don't write me off completely as a terrible person or a bitch. I'm just still struggling with the transition of priorities in my life and maintaining a balance and fighting off the Enemy's attempts to make me hateful and selfish and needy. I want to be needy...but I want to need Jesus and His approval. I want to seek Him first, and know that, when I do, "all these things will be added also."
January 11, 2011
The Problem with Christian Fiction is...
...that none of it is really believable.
I am by no means an expert or an aficionado of Christian fiction, but I've read a decent amount over the years. I've read the Mark of the Lion series by Francine Rivers, several of Janette Oke's novels and, most recently, Inklings by Melanie M. Jeschke.
I've always enjoyed the reads -- none of them are particularly difficult to follow (some easier than others, some even bordering on "elementary") and they always lift up my spirits because of the strong and apparently unshakeable faith of the main characters.
But that's the problem. I've really yet to read a Christian novel that really accurately documents the struggles of a modern-day Christian. Every single novel I mentioned above is set at some time in the past...sometimes the WAY past in the case of the Mark of the Lion trilogy. None of them feature characters that live in the 21st century and face all of the social and political issues that I face every day.
Also, the characters are so extreme. They're usually one of the following:
I am by no means an expert or an aficionado of Christian fiction, but I've read a decent amount over the years. I've read the Mark of the Lion series by Francine Rivers, several of Janette Oke's novels and, most recently, Inklings by Melanie M. Jeschke.
I've always enjoyed the reads -- none of them are particularly difficult to follow (some easier than others, some even bordering on "elementary") and they always lift up my spirits because of the strong and apparently unshakeable faith of the main characters.
But that's the problem. I've really yet to read a Christian novel that really accurately documents the struggles of a modern-day Christian. Every single novel I mentioned above is set at some time in the past...sometimes the WAY past in the case of the Mark of the Lion trilogy. None of them feature characters that live in the 21st century and face all of the social and political issues that I face every day.
Also, the characters are so extreme. They're usually one of the following:
- a non-Christian, and therefore extremely sinful, debaucherous and generally disdainful of Christians or the idea of what they consider a judgmental God just sitting upstairs making all the boring rules we're supposed to follow blindly
- a Christian who is not completely strong in his or her faith, but still meditates and prays several times a day and has a LOT of scripture committed to memory
- a VERY strong Christian who does all of the above as well as gently chides his or her brothers and sisters in Christ when they stumble, usually making the first example above angry and sometimes violent, and the second example humbly admit that they're wrong and should quickly repent and change.
In the most recent book I read (Inklings), I was the most frustrated with the whole "don't kiss until your wedding day" notion. The author didn't necessarily say that this was the only way to have a relationship, but it certainly did push the issue and go on and on about the benefits of living that kind of pure relationship. Well...what about those of us that didn't? Sure, it talks about God giving everyone a clean slate if he or she will only ask for it...but what if the slate IS clean but you still don't want to have a relationship like that? This author (speaking very clearly through her dashing, pure, godly leading man to the young girl he loves, but wants to treat as a "sister in purity") warns that kissing can only lead down a dangerous path that leads to stumbling in the end. I think this can be so harmful, especially to young people. I have friends who have gotten married after a short time to avoid this "stumbling" and have had so many struggles because of those choices. But that's another story, I suppose.
Anyway the point I'm trying to make is that I don't believe these characters. None of the Christians I know behave like the Christian examples in these novels. Or, if they do? Honestly, I don't hang out with them, because I usually feel like I don't belong in their circle because of my wicked nature.
Honestly, I'd like to see someone like me in Christian fiction. Someone who loves the Lord and desperately wants to live a life for Christ, but who daily struggles and who has doubts thanks to being fairly well-educated and well-read. Someone who is constantly surrounded by wonderful people and good friends who don't necessarily believe the same thing, but who respect her anyway. Someone who wants to lift others around her up, but is more easily dragged down into daily bad habits because of her fear of being offensive or becoming a "shove it down your throat" Christian and furthering the stereotype that Christians are intolerant and pious and "holier-than-thou."
It appears that I'm saying that I want someone to write a book about ME, and give me all the answers in novel form. :)
But in all seriousness, that's my main issue with Christian fiction. I wish someone would write a novel that doesn't put Christians and non-Christians into a completely black and white world where there is little to no gray area. Again, it doesn't mean that I don't enjoy these novels; I just don't find them relatable at all.
If you HAVE read a novel like this, for the love of God (ha!) please share it with me and restore my faith in Christian fiction!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)