Overdue

Yep.

Still no baby.

Working on 5 days late right now. I think? Maybe 4.  It doesn't matter.  I just know that right now? The baby was supposed to be OUTSIDE my body, not still chillaxing INside.

Clearly I'm handling it well.

Here's the thing....I wasn't going to write this post if I went overdue.  I was going to just keep all the anxiety and stress and disappointment inside, knowing full well and focusing on the fact that it literally cannot stay in there forever and eventually I'll have my baby....

But holding it in is killing me.  I'M UPSET ABOUT IT.  Okay?  I mean I'm still not this bad:

....but I definitely have a new respect for Rachel in this episode, whereas I used to tell Michael, "I will NEVER act that way when I'm pregnant!"  Truthfully, that's because I never expected to go beyond my due date.  And, even though I'm frustrated and sad that I don't have a baby in my arms yet, I am still NOT THIS MEAN to my husband.  If anything, I've been borderline rude and negligent of every other well-meaning person in my life just so I can save up all my nice and patient behavior for my sweet husband.  He's been amazing, and I know he hates that he can't really do anything to make this happen more quickly for me/us.

I'm not even all that miserably uncomfortable, physically.  There are moments where I still feel like someone is trying to pull me apart like a wishbone, but that's usually a quick hip/groin pain that goes away with a quick stretch the other way.  There are times when I feel quite uncomfortable (and the rising Texas temperatures aren't helping), but really I feel fine.  Put it this way....if I were 37 weeks, I wouldn't be complaining.  I have zero contractions/pre-labor signs. I have decent energy and all that. I still look pretty non-swollen (though the rings are officially off) and the nurse last week told me how pretty my belly is. But I was supposed to have a baby by now!

I hate not knowing. I hate doing all the (healthy and proven) things that are supposed to move things along and seeing/feeling no progress.  I hate thinking that I might have to be medically induced and possibly have a C-section.  And please...PLEASE...do not tell me things like "Well whatever it takes to get your healthy baby!" or "It's allllllllllll gonna be worth it when you see him/her!"

I KNOW that. I really really know that.  Trust me that I know that. 

But right now? It sucks.  It's frustrating and I hate feeling this way.

I also know that nobody knows what to say to me because they either a) don't understand because they've never been pregnant or didn't go late or b) have that legendary "pregnancy amnesia" working for them because of their sweet new babies.  Or because they just think there's nothing anyone can say to me right now, which is only partly true.  If you can make me laugh, that's the way to go.  Saying things like "What the hell is up with your kid? RUDE!" is more likely to make me smile and laugh than "Hang in there! YOU'RE SO CLOSE!"  And for God's sake, don't tell me how late you were.  That doesn't help.

I know that's not fair, but it's the truth.  I know that's not attractive, but I am wearing myself out trying to be able to help it.  Hence, this blog post. 

It's negative and it's whiny and it's gonna seem REAL stupid and silly when I post about my birth story and am looking at my perfect little newborn...but this is the reality of my NOW.

And I have to let it out somewhere.  And typing up a blog post makes me feel better than just sobbing and crying uncontrollably.

So....if you made it this far, thank you.  If you're rolling your eyes at me, that's okay too.  :) 

Weighing on my Mind, Part 2

Today I am 39 weeks pregnant.  Which means it's officially one week exactly until my due date. 

The first thing weighing on my mind right now, obviously, is "LET'S GO BABY R, IT'S TIME TO GET THIS SHOW ON THE ROAD!"

One, because I'm anxious to meet him or her.  I'm tired of saying "it."  I'm ready to know who the baby looks more like...whether or not it has red hair...whether or not it has hair at ALL...all those things.  I'm happy that I've provided such a comfortable living environment for this child, but it's time to make your DEBUT, little one!

Two, because I really don't want to go past my due date and start hearing words like "induction."  I had my 39 week appointment this morning and not a lot of progress is being made (I'll save terms like "dilation and effacement" for the birth story, when it actually matters. You're welcome.), but some is.  Just...not as much as I was hoping for. 

So, if I make it to my next week's appointment (which will be right at 40 weeks), I'll have to have a sonogram and a BPP (biophysical profile) to just make sure the baby is comfy and not stressing out and that fluid levels are good.  This is not a big deal...it's just a way to check to make sure they can let me go a little longer and not have to induce labor.  I just...ehhhh....I don't want another sonogram.  I don't want to start throwing around terms like "fluid levels" and "biophysical profile."  I know that it's just a precautionary measure to make sure we don't have to induce, but I just am now hoping and praying that Baby R decides s/he's ready to meet us before next Thursday's appointment!

Here's another thing that's been "weigh"-ing on my mind.  Remember when I wrote this post about the total mindf**k that is gaining weight during pregnancy when you've struggled and fought the scale your whole life?

Well I didn't stay under the number I was hoping to stay under (that was kind of a pipe dream anyway, I think....and my immense cravings for sugary sweet things and Slurpees didn't help, either), but I'm STILL under the Big Scary Number, which is the heaviest I have ever been in my life:

December 2009 at my heaviest. I HATE this picture.

As of today, I am STILL 2lbs under this number, and I'm 9 months pregnant (10, really, if you wanna count the WHOLE thing and that month you don't know you're pregnant).  To me, this is a HUGE accomplishment.  If I can grow another human being inside of my body and eat pretty much whatever I want (because believe that I DID) during pregnancy and still not hit my highest weight ever, then I'm happy.  Also, I KNOW I can lose the weight.  Because I've already done it. 

So there's THAT.

The THIRD thing weighing on my mind these days...FEAR.

Absolutely petrifying fear.  I have NO idea what to expect....both from labor & delivery AND from, oh you know, TAKING CARE OF A NEWBORN. 

I started crying last weekend because I told Michael I'm scared.  I've been getting these great emails all throughout my pregnancy about which baby products are best, and what's best to have around the house as soon as Baby is born, etc....but the last couple of them were about postpartum recovery.  Sheesh...according to these emails, my bathroom will resemble a horror movie and/or a HazMat zone and everything is going to hurt LIKE A LOT and blood everywhere and sitting down hurts and....yeah.  Sounds reassuring, huh?

I started to get more afraid of recovery than actual delivery.  I have, since then, talked to a few women and felt a little better knowing that it's obviously different for every woman.  But still.  It's scary to think about being exhausted, hormonal, AND busted up from delivery.  It's also scary to think about poor Michael dealing with all of that.

So I'm back to praying.  Praying that God will take away my fear because, underneath my fears I still want to go as natural and medical/intervention-free as possible.  I know I can do it.  I was designed to do it.

It's a strange mental place to be in, these last few weeks.  I'm scared, but I'm excited.  I'm nervous, but I'm anxious.  I have no idea what to expect.  I could go another two weeks (NOOOOOO) or I could be at the hospital tonight.  It's times like these that show me what a control freak I really am about some things...I like to plan my life, and you just can't plan for some things.  I can prepare a nursery, but there's no real way to prepare yourself for something you've never done before.

So I'm trying to go back to the prayers and the affirmations and the meditation on what a beautiful and natural experience this is, and how blessed we are to have the opportunity to have a family. 

I'm hoping that my next blog post will be a birth story, so, thanks for sticking around this blog this whole pregnancy with me!!

Us

As we approach go-time to have little Baby R (I'm at 38 weeks today...no discernible progress, but that means nothing, really), I keep thinking about my husband.  Our relationship.  How it has changed. How it will change.  How it is right at this moment, in these last few days/weeks of "just us."

Our first picture together, almost 11 years ago.

I'm one of those people who can honestly say I knew when we started dating that Michael would be the man I would marry.  There wasn't ever a doubt in my mind.  I didn't know when (it'd be six years until we got engaged, and we would throw a cross-country move to Boston into the mix beforehand) or how or where....but I knew it would happen.

One of our engagement pictures -- my favorite.

We got engaged on June 21st, 2007.  It was the summer solstice -- the longest day of the year -- and we had been planning a trip to a bed & breakfast in Vermont.  Instead of picking me up at the train station after work as we'd agreed, he texted me and told me he'd left the car for me and walked home.

I got into the car and saw a note taped to the steering wheel with "M" on the outside.  Inside was a clue. It led me to another clue with a note that said "A" on the outside.  Then to another that said "RR," and then another that said "Y," and then to one final note in our apartment complex that said "ME" on the outside.

Shaking, I walked into our apartment to find him wearing a suit and tie, on one knee, with candles lit. I remember I was wearing a white sundress.  He read me a letter, detailing the reasons he loved me, and then he opened a white box and offered me a ring.  Folded into the box was a fortune from a fortune cookie that he'd saved.  It said "Stop searching forever. Happiness is just next to you."

Hold that thought...

We got married on September 6th, 2008.  It was one of the best days of my life, but I still count the day we got engaged as "better," simply because it was just the two of us. We were the only ones in that moment. One of my favorite moments of our wedding was the last dance at the reception.  The guests left to go get ready for our Grand Exit. The DJ started "The Last Dance" by Frank Sinatra, then left the room.  The photographers left.  The waitstaff left.  Everyone left and it was just us -- alone on an empty dance floor.

Hold that thought...

Since our wedding, we've been through the typical (I suppose nothing is typical when it's specific to you as a couple, but...) ups and downs as a married couple.  We've been selfish, at times.  We've been too needy or too distant.  We've held grudges and taken things for granted.

But we've laughed until we nearly cried at inside jokes.  We've communicated across a room full of strangers, friends, and/or family members with just the raising of an eyebrow or a facial expression.  We've talked and talked and talked.  We adopted our "first born:"

I can honestly say that, even after almost a decade of being together, I didn't really get it until the past year and a half or so.  As I said earlier, I knew in the first weeks of dating that this would be the man with whom I'd spend the rest of my life.  I knew I loved him...as someone who is young and immature can be in love.

In the past year or so, though, our honesty and communication have improved.  We've grown up.  We both want God first in our marriage and in our family.  We've learned things about who we are individually that have shaped and molded who we are as a couple. In some ways, I started to feel like it was a brand new chapter in our lives -- a chapter that will still contain stress and conflict, but that will be a continuation of the journey of two main characters who have really changed and matured.

It's cliché, I know, but I can honestly say I love him more now than any other time in the past decade. I love him in a brand new way.  I love how he is a Spiritual leader in our family by his actions and his words, but in his own quiet way.  He's taught me to stop and listen rather than be quick to make my point.  He's always there to remind me to laugh at stupid things until you cry.  He's taught me about grace and forgiveness.

There have been times recently when I'm truly overwhelmed by how much I love my husband, and then overwhelmed at how long it took me to "get here." To see it how it's supposed to be, finally.  How God always intended a marriage to be.

Remember when I said earlier that I still place the day we got engaged over the day we got married?  It's close enough to be a tie, but the reason that the engagement stands out is because it was just us.  It was all about us in that moment.

Looking back over the past year and a half, the moments that stick out to me the most are the moments when it was "just us."  After years of being physically (and sometimes emotionally) apart for one reason or another due to rehearsals, our own selfish plans, or just conflicting schedules, we've both put us on the front-burner.  Invitations are turned down, politely.  Plans are sometimes cancelled. Us is a now a much higher priority.

Obviously, one of the moments topping the list of late is the moment we found out I was going to have a baby.  It was early on a Sunday morning, and the three of us (he and I and Carmen, of course) were just lounging and cuddling on our bed, and I decided it was time to take a test. I just had a feeling...I know my body and I knew something was different.

Just like I will never forget the look in his eyes and the smile on his face when he opened that white jewelry box and asked me to be his wife, I will never forget the way his eyes grew to the size of dinner plates when this time it was I who held out a white object.  He saw the word "Pregnant" on the little tiny screen and, once again, our lives were changed forever.

 

I have been wanting to write a post about my husband for a long time now, and a couple of weeks before the expected delivery of our first child seemed like a good time to do it.  For one thing, I wanted to just brag.  He is an amazing husband, an incredible best friend, and the best doggy daddy an accident-prone pitbull could ask for.

He's been an amazing husband throughout my pregnancy.  He's thoughtful, he's proud of me and tells me often, he's dedicated and supportive, and he's so excited.  

I truly cannot wait to see him be a father. If it overwhelms me to think about how much I love him now, when it's just us and our little baby bull Carmen, I can't even imagine how it will make me feel when I hear him announce "It's a _____!" and when I see him hold our son/daughter for the first time.

For anyone who thinks we are being selfish or plain old spiteful when we ask that we have no visitors until hours after our baby is born, and who do not understand why we don't want anyone with us in the delivery room except the necessary medical personnel, please try to understand --

Everything wonderful and life-changing that has ever happened to us has been when it's just us. Our engagement.  The last dance at our wedding.  The late-night, sometimes tear-filled (on my part) conversations that got us through hard times.  The nights holding our shaking dog recovering from surgery.  The moment we found out we were going to be parents.  The first time we heard our baby's heartbeat...

We only want the same thing when we increase our family by one more.  When us takes on new meaning.

Our baby is due on June 20th.  I have to admit that, while I'd like to welcome him/her whenever the timing is perfect, I wouldn't mind being one day late and delivering on June 21st.  The summer solstice.  The longest day of the year.  The six year anniversary of the day we got engaged.

Earlier this week, we got Chinese food for dinner. As I opened my fortune cookie, my pregnancy hormones kicked into gear and I suddenly started crying.  "Honey, look!" I exclaimed, and I showed him my fortune:

Maybe it's a sign that this baby will arrive on that special anniversary date.  Or maybe it was just a coincidence...surely these fortunes get used over and over again.  Or maybe it was just a reminder of just how far we've come together and how different our journey is about to be.  No matter what, though, I'll be putting this one inside that yellowing white box along with the original.

It's a reminder about us. And it's about to change forever.

Milestones -- 37 weeks

Making my Seryn shirt work HARD today!

Tomorrow (Thursday) marks 37 weeks of pregnancy.  Why is this number important and this week a milestone?  Well, this is argued some in the mama-to-be world, but most of my apps (yes, I have more than one) and my weekly update from The Bump all agree that this week means that Baby R has reached full term! 

But Mandy, why do you still have 3 weeks to go if you're full term?

Good question!  It's because your EDD (estimated due date) can be off by about two weeks.  So, I could be ready to have a fully developed, healthy baby, or I could actually only be at about 35 weeks of development if Baby R were to show up today.  BUT, assuming I'm right on schedule, 37 weeks indicates that Baby R has reached all of his or her crucial developmental milestones. 

One might think this would make me anxious/ready to have this baby at any time.  Well, that was the case...until yesterday. 

Remember when Carmen had surgery back in January to repair her left ACL tendon?  Well, guess who tore the right one on Memorial Day?

Who, me??

Yep.

So, my first "born" baby will be going in for another major surgery this Friday.  Her recovery last time was a nightmare due to our schedules and her tendency to be a giant pain in the ass/contortionist any time we'd leave the house.  She somehow managed to pull the staples out of her legs three different times, which extended her recovery by at least 2-3 weeks.

This news plus my pretty standard emotional level these days (due to heartburn, anxiety and lack of sleep, plus plain old pregnancy hormones) was a bit much to handle.  Allow some of my favorite sexy actors to display the range of emotions I've been through recently:

 

 

Get the idea?

However....

Thanks to the prayers and kind words of friends AND the amazing reaction to this news and planning already done by my husband, I'm....dealing with it. 

Michael is pretty much off work for the summer, and what commitments he does have will only be for a few hours at a time, when I can run home and watch Carmen and then go back to work to make up the time.  I've pretty much cancelled all of our/my commitments for the next three weeks, so that we can just kind of go into hibernation mode at home.

And honestly? I'm kind of looking forward to that. 

We'll be together as a family of three for the last small bit of time before Baby R arrives.  Granted, it will be because my dog is recovering from a major surgery and cannot be trusted/left alone, but...still.  There are so many silver linings to this happening NOW instead of later:

• The weather is warmer!  When she gets her staples out, we'll be able to take her over to Grandma's to swim and get that great exercise in, which we couldn't do in January/February.
• The baby isn't here yet.  If this had happened WITH a newborn, I....don't think I would handle it well.
• I'll be home.  So when/if that nesting instinct ever really kicks in, I can clean my house and keep working on the baby's room!
• I'll be home.  With my two best friends.  So hopefully that will keep me happy and calm and, subsequently, my blood pressure down. Which is a good thing at this stage of pregnancy.

Work may be a challenge, especially as I am preparing for the LAST BIG MEETING of the year before summer, but even that will be over one week from today.  So...God is good and He is keeping me from the brink of a complete meltdown, through the use of logic (imagine that!) and my awesome husband and some really generous and thoughtful friends. 

Are you still with me?  If so, reward yourself with some 37 week stats:

Baby R's size: What to Expect app says this baby is the size of a watermelon.  o_O

 

Baby R's developments: Baby is preparing his/her first poop for us.  Practicing blinking and grabbing and sucking.  As I said earlier, all crucial developmental milestones have been reached, but we definitely want him/her to cook til the due date (June 20th)! 

 

Currently Craving: No real cravings anymore.  It's summer, so the "cold and sweet" craving just feels normal now.  

 

How's the belly looking: Big! 

 

Sleep & Dreams: With the exception of a few nights of heartburn that led me to the edge of a psychotic breakdown, I'm really doing okay.  Still not sleeping for HOURS at a time, but I'm sleeping. Which is nice. 

 

How I am feeling: Really just fine. Tired, of course.  Feeling heavy and cumbersome, and the heartburn sucks, but overall, I'm fine.  The cough from the Black Plague is almost completely gone!

Evidence of Pregnancy Brain: Yesterday, I had jury duty. I forgot the words to the Pledge of Allegiance.

 

Movement:All the time! Very active, roly-poly baby in there. 

 

Exercise: Does getting dressed count?

 

Innie or outie: Still an innie!But it's flatter.

 

Stretch marks: Still none.

 

Rings on or off: Still on!My OB even mentioned that at the last appointment! 

 

Maternity wear: The same two or three things over and over these days, as it gets warmer. I did bust out the Seryn shirt today (see pic at top) just because I like it and it's stretchy and comfortable.

 

Baby related purchases: Last weekend we bought our pack & play (and a sheet to match), the baby monitor, some boobie-care stuff for me (you're welcome), and a Baby K'Tan wrap! I can't wait to use it!

 

Days until due date: 22. Twenty. Two.  And I hope I use every last one of them til Baby gets here!

If you made it all the way through this blog, enjoy this:

Milestones -- 35/35

35 weeks pregnant -- 35 days to go

We've reached another milestone in our journey towards meeting Baby R!  Today marks 35/35 -- meaning that I am 35 weeks pregnant and have 35 days left (obviously both are approximations, but it's still another milestone moment that's fun to celebrate).

Thirty. Five. Days.

Heck no, I'm not freaking out. 

Not really. 

Okay maybe a little. 

But really?  My amazing husband made a good point this morning when we were talking on the phone after we left our doctor's appointment to head our separate ways.  He said, "Honey think about it...if we had the baby today, we'd be ready.  We have all the paperwork, we have money in the bank, we have a place for it to sleep, we have a carseat, and we have your boobs."  I mean...he's right.  But, still.  I'd like at least a few more weeks, please.  Hear that, little one?  Keep cookin!

Plus I have one more shower on Saturday that I'd like to attend (the first two were blogged about previously, so scroll on down to read about 'em!)!

Now how about some stats??

 

Baby R's size: Baby R could be 17.2 to 18.7 inches, 4.2 to 5.8 pounds! The produce aisle comparison is currently a cantaloupe, apparently. Also, The Bump says my uterus has grown to 1,000 times its original size, which is just freakin' weird.

 

Baby R's developments: Circulation and immune systems are just about good to go.  If it's a boy, his testes should have descended by now (good to know...).  Hearing is fully developed! Closer and closer to being able to breathe on his/her own should we delivery early. 

 

Currently Craving: Whatever doesn't give me heartburn?  My appetite and cravings have really slowed down lately. I also have been sick with some sort of Black Plague in my lungs that have completely killed smell and taste, so I'm just like "whatever" when it comes to food. 

 

How's the belly looking: Huge, apparently.  I've gotten "Any day now, right?" or some variation more than once, now. 

 

Sleep & Dreams: I've been sick and the heartburn and cough are both worse at night, so I'm lucky if I get 4-5 good hours in per night. I don't think I'm sleeping restfully enough to dream lately.  It sucks.  I just want to take a nap.

 

How I am feeling: Again...sick.  But I'm recovering. I always considered myself a non-medicator before I got pregnant...I'd go as long as possible without taking anything.  But ahhhhh to have that option now!! I FINALLY got on some antibiotics for this chest congestion yesterday, so I'm hoping to be on the upswing soon.  I miss breathing normally.

Evidence of Pregnancy Brain: Still the same. I am pretty good when it comes to work and making sure my dog gets fed and all that, but I really can't be bothered with much else in the ol' memory bank.

 

Movement: Very active baby.  He or she is running out of room, so it's more slides and pushes and rolls than actual kicks, but the kicks are HARD when they're there.  Also, lots of hiccups, which I have determined that the baby hates.  I'll feel several, and then what feels like frustrated flailing.  Poor little thing...I hate them, too!

 

Exercise:I get out of breath putting on lotion after my shower.  So any movement/activity at all feels like a workout these days.

 

Innie or outie: Still an innie!

 

Stretch marks: Still none.

 

Rings on or off: Still on!

 

Maternity wear: Duh.

 

Baby related purchases: Well I bought four nursing bras yesterday! We've also been buying household items such as a big container of hand sanitizer and large refills of anti-bacterial soap, plus baby-friendly detergent.  We have a few more big things to buy after the showers are over (hallelujah for gift cards!), but really we're getting so close to being ready!

 

Days until due date: 35! We've been over this.

Not much longer now, you guys.  Get excited!

Showered, Pt. 2

Last weekend was my second baby shower -- this one was for family and "family friends" -- people who have been in my life long enough to be pretty much considered family!  It was hosted by my two beautiful sisters-in-law (the very ones with whom I bake Christmas cookies every year), and it was a gorgeous shower.  Everything was gray and white and yellow, and there were chevrons (!!) and hydrangeas everywhere (my favorite flower!).

Baby R and I were very spoiled once again!  Now to find a place to put it all!

Look how cute we were as behbehs!

Hand sanitizer as shower favors! GREAT idea!

Look at those Muppet letter bibs!

Diaper Cake!

Hydrangeas -- my FAVORITE

These were UNFAIRLY delicious.

I mean, really, is there anything more delicious than Shower Punch?

SPOILED

Guests wrote me notes about each stage of the babies first year.

For our future Sox fan!

Custom-made crib skirt from my aunt!

Mom, me and Grandma

My sisters/hostesses!  Love these girls. My brothers have excellent taste in women.

One shower left on May 18th from my "theatre family!"

 OH AND ALSO on the day of the shower posted about here, Michael had a "diaper shower," in which all the guys in the family took him to lunch (burgers and beers and MANLY THINGS) and brought him a TON of diapers! So nice to already have a stash!

Healer

You can take all the childbirth classes you want and practice breathing and meditation and visualization and all of that, but the truth is?  We first-time moms have NO idea what we're in for.  "It hurts."  Yeah, okay.  Got that part.

For people who don't know yet, my goal is to have this baby without the aid of any drugs.  I'm not against the use of an epidural for any high-and-mighty reasons, but I'm just...uncomfortable with it for myself. I told a friend (who is expecting her little boy ANY DAY NOW!) that I feel like there's a lot of merit in our knee-jerk reactions to things like that right now.  I think God prepares us to be Mothers by giving us that natural instinct to just feel what's right for us.  If our doctor suddenly seems gung-ho about medication, my knee-jerk reaction is going to say "Why?  What are the actual benefits to me and my baby?"

Anyway, Michael and I both feel (I more than he, because he's worried about me, which is to be expected) that we'd like to go as long as possible through L&D without medication to move the process along.  We feel even more strongly about that now that we've taken the classes and talked about the pros and cons of each with our doctor.

However...

There's a truth that doesn't get talked about as often, and that is that there's a lot to do to prepare for a baby that will soon be a part of your house and home.  Getting its room ready.  Washing, cleaning and putting away all of the accoutrements purchased or received from loved ones.  Interviewing child care providers and pediatricians.  Getting your paperwork together for the hospital and the insurance company and your place of employment.  Oh yeah, and remembering to take the time to practice calming breathing and meditation before bed each night.  Guess which one gets left out most often.

On Saturday night, exhausted from a full day of shopping, celebrating a niece's first birthday, and finishing building the nursery furniture, I fell into bed (no, literally fell, because it's the easiest way to get into the bed sometimes!), exhausted and trying to ignore the back pain.  As I struggled to get comfortable, I suddenly got tears in my eyes.  "How am I going to handle this?  How am I going to get it all done and still have the energy to get through labor?"

So, I prayed.  I took some deep, calming breaths and asked the Lord to give me and Michael the strength we need from one day to the next.  The physical and emotional strength to take each little challenge, handle it, and reset for the next.  I prayed that I'd be gently reminded to take the time each day to do this and to remember to focus on finding my "happy place" to which I'd like to return in that hospital room.  I prayed that Michael will be able to be strong when I'm not.

Then, the next morning at church, Toby (the pastor) finished his 4-week series on Healing by talking about physical healing.  I'm sure that most of that sermon was intended for those with chronic illnesses that can beat them down spiritually and emotionally and relationally...but I kept thinking of my prayer the night before.

I know pregnancy is not an illness.  But it's an incredible physical journey with quite the dramatic finish required to bring life into this world.  So I focused on my Healer.  I've spent the last week or two looking for Scriptures here and there to write down and meditate upon and to take with me to the hospital.  I've been making a playlist on my laptop, which I'll be taking with me, that will uplift me and strengthen me when I just want to give up.  But I've not spent as much time asking God, having an actual conversation with Him, to help us all (me, Michael and baby) through what will likely be the toughest physical thing I've ever been through.

I've been listening to the Pandora worship station through my Belly Buds lately, because the baby seems to get moving to that music.  When the worship leaders began to sing "Healer" by Kari Jobe on Sunday morning at church, I felt immediate movement from little Baby R. Part of it was probably my own immediate physical reaction to the song, because it's a favorite, but I like to think that Baby R got moving because s/he recognized the song. 

Believe that it's going on the Hospital Playlist:

*Just a quick disclaimer to say that, should the medical need arise, I am not against medical intervention when it will ensure the healthiest delivery for my baby and me.  I'm not one of those "prayer does everything and medicine is not necessary ever EVER" people!*