Friend Makin' Mondays -- The Driving Force

I got a lot of great traffic on last week's Friend Makin' Mondays post and frankly it just made MY day to write that letter to myself! 

It's Monday, which means it's time to play again!

Here's today's topic that Kenlie chose:

FMM: The Driving Force

What is the driving force behind your weight-loss?

Hmmm.  I could be very simple with this or I could get a little deep on you all....I'll try to find a balance, how's that?

If you click on the Healthy Living tab at the top of this blog, you'll get a quick rundown and some of my favorite links from when I started my weight loss journey up until fairly recently (a couple months ago...I should really update that page). 

When I started my weight loss journey, the driving force was that I hated the girl I saw in pictures.  It's a strong sentiment to say that I "hated" her, but....I kinda did. That's not the person I saw when I looked in the mirror.  I guess my self-image wasn't too terrible, huh?  But the cold hard facts were there: the number on the scale, the size on the tags of my clothes, and, if I'm honest, the way I felt every time I went shopping, got dressed, was around thinner girls, etc.  The part of me I buried down deep within me and convinced myself didn't exist because I was happy! I was accepted! I was talented! 

So I changed my lifestyle habits.  And I made a LOT of progress in one year. 

Then, once the weight started coming off and the attention started pouring in, I felt amazing.  I thrived on the attention and the compliments.  And if I'm honest...again...I focused too much on that part.  I started to lose myself a little bit and become a little bit more vain and self-focused than I should have been.  My relationship suffered some and my priorities were in the wrong place.

I had a bit of a wake up call after the 3-Day walk, when my feet and legs were way too banged up and painful to really work out like I had been.  I gained some weight back...along with some perspective.  There were other factors that helped with that...some relationship revelations...some spiritual growth and personal growth...etc.  (This is the part where I'll save you from a SERIOUS trip into Mandy's brain. You're welcome.)

So while of course there is still a driving force to want to fit into that One Special Size of jeans and to play that One Dream Role and to feel good about myself and be pretty and get compliments (don't tell me you don't love getting attention! the day I stop loving attention is the day hell freezes over!)....I'd say my driving force NOW?

I want to be healthy and live a long and fulfilling life.

I don't want the old laziness and complacency to return and be the cause of health problems.

I don't want the manic desire to be thin and pretty to return and cause problems in my mental and physical well-being so that I lose focus of the person I really am inside.

I want to maintain a healthy attitude towards my size and appearance and take pride in how I look, but I don't want it to define me. 

I'd rather be remembered for being joyful, happy, healthy and loving than for being hot.

I may always have thick legs...but they will carry me across finish lines and help me in lifting and chasing after my (someday) children.  I may always have a round behind, but it will never cease to be smacked when I walk by my husband. ;) 

Last thought:  I went to a funeral recently and as I sat there and contemplated my mortality, as we all are wont to do in that situation, I prayed fervently and earnestly that the Lord would keep me on this earth until I am old and gray so that I may experience ALL that this earthly realm has to offer.  He has the ultimate say, of course, but I have a responsibility to make sure that I keep myself as healthy and happy as possible so as to prolong the life I've been given. 

So. What's YOUR driving force to lose weight and be healthy?

Fitness Friday (I KNOW!)

So, remember how it's been WEEKS since I posted a Fitness Friday blog?  Yeah.  It's because I've been ASHAMED, people!  I haven't been completely lazy, but I've gotten about as close to doing nothing as possible.  I could blame the heat.  I could be REALLY lame and blame my period (ewwww! run away, boys!).  But I won't.  I've run a few times...walked the pup a few times...but I've been spending a LOT of time doing awesome things like coloring at coffee shops and getting my picture taken and sleeping.

Healthy LIVING, right? RIGHT.

ANYWHO.

I haven't been exactly active (exercise-wise, anyway) this week, either, but I did want to talk about a major accomplishment I felt yesterday.

As you may or may not know if you aren't living in Texas right now, yesterday ended a 40 day streak of days with temperatures at or above 100 degrees. Yes, it feels like the bowels of HELL.  I ran on Monday afternoon at the indoor track in the gym (which is boring) just because it's too hot to be outside after about 9am. Well, I packed my gym bag yesterday expecting to go run indoors again after work, because I was DYING to run again this week(I know...WHO HAVE I BECOME??).

However, around 1pm, something strange happened.  It got very cloudy outside...and dark...and the wind picked up...

Out of sheer curiosity, I logged on to weather.gov and saw that the current temperature was SEVENTY NINE DEGREES.  I immediately changed into my running clothes, grabbed my iPhone and took off outside. 

There were sprinkles of rain on my face!!  It was WINDY and the gusts were COOL!  Seriously, I was running with a giant smile on my face because it felt so great outside! Everyone I passed walking on campus smiled at me, people seemed to have a spring in their step....we so badly needed that brief reprieve from the heat! I couldn't help thinking about the way Phoebe runs on "Friends."

My iPod was rocking with me:

I stopped towards the end of my run to snap a picture of the clouds, just for evidence in case it doesn't happen again for months:

When I got back to my office, I checked my iMapMyRun app to save my workout and saw that I ran my best time per mile EVER.  Yes, I'm still slow, compared to most "real runners," but just some data for you...
I checked my past workouts and saw that on June 2nd I completed a 2.25 mile run at a pace of 16:26 per mile.  Yesterday I completed a 2.25 mile run at a pace of 13:06 per mile.

Boom. I was a happy girl.

Of course, after the rain passed, the clouds also disappeared and the temperature rose back up to a nasty and humid 97 degrees...but no matter, because I had jumped at the opportunity to get outside and feel a cool breeze on my face and feel strong and fast(er) and HAPPY!

HAPPY FRIDAY, FRIENDS!

“Life isn’t about waiting for the storm to pass…It’s about learning to dance in the rain.” — Vivian Greene

Lesser Self vs. Higher Self -- A Diptic Project

The amazing Lindsay, (her photography blog is here, and all photos in this post were taken by her), who is a founding member of the Denton Women's Collective (I can't wait til we have a web site so I can hyperlink it when I blog about our meetings and current projects!), recently photographed me for a project she's been working on.  She wanted to put two photographs of her subjects side by side—photos which depict the subject's "Lesser Self" vs. their "Higher Self." 

Being the camera whore that I am, I volunteered to be part of her project.  She asked me to start thinking before I came over to her loft for the photo session... "Think of your insecurity/proudest accomplishment or a name you were once called/a role you're aspiring to, etc." 

My knee-jerk reaction when I think of "insecurity" is usually my weight or my size, but when I really stopped to think about this, I realized...it's not what really bothers me.  People can call me fat or ugly or whatever, and it will, of course, hurt my feelings...but the fact of the matter is, I don't for one second believe that I am ugly. I don't think that I'm fat (anymore), either.  I still have goals, sure...I want to lose some more weight and be able to run a 10k some day, but I don't think I'm "fat."  So, what is something someone has called me or said to me that truly felt like a punch in the stomach?

I didn't want to admit this...which is why I ended up using it for the project...

In recent months, I was told by a small handful of friends/theatre colleagues that I was one or more of the following things:

• Mean
• Hurtful
• Negative

...and then the knockout punch that sent me into a tailspin:

• Judgmental

I mean, let's face it.  We're all a little bit judgmental.  Theatre people are, I daresay, the worst about it.  Mostly because we're also some of the most insecure people on the planet, but that's another post for another day and time. 

But...the person who called me this said it in a long line of attacks on my character and, based on the numerous discussions this person and I had had about my faith and his questions of faith, I knew that it was more than just talking about a soprano I didn't like or someone who had no business playing an ingenue at that age. 

I felt like it was an attack on an area where I feel the most afraid and the most vulnerable (and often, where I feel I fail the most consistently) -- my faith and my relationship with God.

I've said before how afraid I am of alienating people or becoming unrelatable (that's a word, right?) or coming across as being "better than" anyone because of my faith, and this person knew that, and so I felt like he chose that word as the killer blow very carefully and purposefully.  I remember that day so painfully clearly because I sat in my friend Jo's car and just ugly cried like a toddler (you know, the hiccuping, can't breathe kind of crying that's SO attractive) because I felt like I'd failed. As a friend and as a Christian. 

It broke my heart.

Since then, I've come to terms with the fact that, yes, I can and WILL make better judgment calls and think more clearly about the ramifications of things I post/say/write...we all can, right?  But a lot of what it comes down to is this:

I can control the motivations behind what I say and do, but I cannot control everyone's reactions.

All I can do is continue to try my own personal best every day to be the best Mandy I can be.  I will still be snarky and catty at times, which may come across as judgmental...I will mess up, but that does not make me a failure or a terrible person...and I will try my very best to be loving and kind and positive.  That's the "higher self" I will aspire to be.

Life Well-Lived, Vol. 11

Hello, readers!  It's WEDNESDAY, so that means it's time to celebrate LIFE WELL LIVED!
In case you needed a reminder, LIFE WELL LIVED is all about celebrating ALL the joys in your life, both big and small.

(Don't forget to follow @MyLifeWellLived on Twitter!  Blog, or just tweet about what makes your #LifeWellLived (don't forget the hashtag) and join in the fun!)

Let's get to it, shall we??

Today is kind of a special day for LWL, because I'm using part of a project I'm working on with the wonderful ladies of the Denton Women's Collective I've been a part of for a couple of months now. At our last meeting, I asked each girl to send me a picture of herself that she loved along with 10 things she loves about herself. Here are a few that I've gotten so far, with my own at the bottom (click on the pictures to see the larger versions):

1.) Brittany

1. I have smooth, soft skin like a baby. Seriously, I forgot to put lotion on this morning, but you could never tell by rubbing these elbows.

2. I have really, really good taste in music. Ok, look, I know this could be considered subjective, and I definitely make up for it when it comes to television (Jersey Shore comes back this week….GTL, baby!), but my music collection runs the gamut from The Band to The Avett Brothers and everything in between, and I think that’s pretty awesome.

3. I have a big ol’ booty, I’m good with that! No matter how many lunges and squats I do, it’s just not going anywhere, but that’s ok. In fact, it’s one of the few parts of my body that I don’t often wish was smaller. It makes me feel curvaceous and feminine and besides, even white boys got to shout, baby got back.

4. I’m almost always willing to give someone a second chance. Sometimes this makes people say I’m too nice (as if there is such a thing!), and sometimes it means I have to learn my lessons the hard way (just fyi, the FIRST time your boyfriend lies to you would be good time to dump his ass). But it also means that when a friendship or relationship ends, I can leave it knowing I gave it my all, feeling peaceful about the way I handled things.

5. I’ve been told I have a warm smile. You know how the best compliments always come from a stranger, someone who has absolutely nothing to gain from being nice to you? Well when I was in college I got a call from a family looking for a nanny, and I had to tell them that I had just found a job and wouldn’t be able to interview with them. They told me they were disappointed because that had seen my picture and loved my “warm smile.” Isn’t that one of the greatest compliments you ever heard?! That was 8 years ago and it’s stuck with me!

6. I’m good at being an adult. That sounds silly, but I’m really proud of the fact that I live on my own, am financially independent, and can put together a console table all by myself (and in less than 20 minutes, holla!). And when my boyfriend of six years cheated on me on a business trip, I moved out of our house without once losing my shit and slashing his tires or throwing his electronics out of a second-floor window. If that’s not something to be proud of, I don’t know what is!

7. I have awesome hair. I was at the mall a few weeks ago, and as I strolled through the purse department I overheard a clerk say to her co-worker, “That girl’s hair is so cute! I think that’s how I should cut mine.” And while I’ve been pulling my hair back mostly just to avoid, you know, DEATH, during this summer heat wave, four people have told me they love my little pony tail this week alone! Sure, this is mostly thanks to my awesome hair stylist, but hey, I rock it!

8. I am a hard core planner. My absolute favorite Christmas gift last year was a “Life Planner” my brother gave me. It has my name on the front and pockets and tabs and stickers and just….guh….it’s ridiculous the amount of pleasure it brings me. I’ve recently become obsessed with the ColorNote app (Post-Its on your phone!!!) and I can make a list like nobody’s business. Sometimes I feel like I need to focus more on being spontaneous and going with the flow, but being such a planner means I’m able to arrange days off work to hit up a music festival, or put together an awesome bachelorette party for my best friend, or even help plan an awesome community outreach event for young girls!

9. I kind of have great boobs. They’re small enough that I can get away without wearing a bra when it’s 109 degrees out (seriously, c’mon, mother nature!), but existent enough to look pretty hot in a low cut shirt.

10. I can say with certainty that I touch people’s lives. This is most definitely the thing on my list I am MOST proud of. I work with kids with learning disabilities, so almost every single day I have the opportunity to make a difference for them. There are days I want to bang my head against a wall while simultaneously poking myself in the eye with a pencil. But then someone goes and does something amazing, like reading an entire page from a grade-level book without a single error, or clearly articulating the difference between multiplication and division, or giving me live frogs for teacher appreciation week (yeah, that for reals happened) and I remember why I am so incredibly proud of what I do. A kid told me once, “Ms. Sassaman, I’m getting smarter, and it might be because of you.” And that’s plenty of reason to love myself right there.

2. Vassi

3. Rachel

4. Mandy

Also, I've been toying with the idea of making my own commercial like the now famous Dove commercial (seen here), and I decided to give it a shot yesterday.  The commercial shows how quickly a very beautiful woman is turned into someone completely unrecognizeable, but who is the person we see on billboards and magazine advertisements for cosmetics. I actually feel like with this song I should be taking OFF my makeup, but I think that the message this ends up sending is that it's kind of sad how much time we spend (yes, I'm guilty of it) putting on makeup and trying to enhance ourselves. There's some irony in there, so I kept it the way it is.

I encourage you to try EITHER of these projects to remind yourself that you are beautiful JUST the way you are made.  Wear makeup, sure, and feel girly (like I talked about here in my girly questions Vlog), but remember that you really are perfect just the way you are!

Friend Makin' Mondays -- Letter to Myself

So, if you'll recall my awesome Vlog post from last week that I got from Laura, who apparently got it from a blog called All the Weigh....it was apparently part of a series called "Friend Makin' Monday." 

Because I need yet another day-of-the-week blog post idea (no really! it keeps me blogging!), I think I'll play along again. 

Today's theme is "A Letter to my Future Self."  How interesting and appropriate! See, I'm working quietly on a blog post and project right now with the women in the Denton Women's Collective I've been meeting with for a couple of months now.  I've asked each girl to do 2 things: 1) take a current picture of yourself that you love, and write down 10 things you love about yourself, and 2) find a picture of yourself from middle school/early high school and write a letter to yourself at that time in your life (i.e., "Dear Middle-School Mandy...."). 

ALSO, one of my DayZero/101 in 1001 tasks is to write a letter to myself to be read when 1001 days have passed.  SO THIS IS PERFECT!

So here goes.

Dear Future Mandy,

Today is a Monday, and you're having a good morning so far.  Also, your hair looks kind of awesome, considering that you slept on it wet:

I just want to tell you a few things about your current life that I hope you are still recognizing and remembering in a few years:

• Right now you're approaching the end of what will be a 5 month break from theatre.  You've really enjoyed being at home with your husband and pup, reading books, watching baseball, and making your life well lived.  Performing is important to who you are as a person, but spending time with friends and family and time by yourself and for yourself is both good and necessary for your soul and your peace and happiness.  Don't forget that.  Nobody wants another 2009. 
• You are currently about 15 pounds from your goal weight.  But you care about that number less and less the more active you are and the more personal goals you reach (right now you're hoping to be ready for a 5k in September and possibly a 10k after that) and the happier you are with your life (see above re: taking breaks). Being a size __ is important to you as a personal goal, so I hope that you've reached that point by then, but more than anything I hope you are even more healthy and fit and happy than you are right this minute.

• Lately, you've been focusing on your husband and the people who are truly important to you in your life, rather than having a HUGE circle of "fringe friends."  I hope that, by the time 1001 days are over and you're reading this again, that you've continued to invest in the frienships that truly matter and that those friendships are even stronger.
• You've currently been deleting your devotional emails along with all the junk mail you receive overnight. STOP DOING THAT.  Remember how much happier and more peaceful you felt when you took a measely 10 or 15 minutes to read them while you drank your coffee?  Yeah. 

• You are 33 YEARS OLD right now. Holy. Freakin. Crap.  When I wrote you this letter, you were only 29.  Now, not only are you in a whole new decade, but you probably have children.  So let me just say these things:
• Do not let having children keep you from being healthy and fit (see above).
• Do not let having children keep you from having sex with your husband consistently.
• In that same vein, your husband is not another of your children.  He is your husband and your ally. 

I don't really have much else to say...I'm sure I'll think of other things along the way, but these seem to be pretty important. 

Above all, Future Mandy? I hope and pray that you are happy.  I hope that you're happy in your life and in your relationships and in your job and that you continue to recognize on a daily basis that, even when things seem shitty?  You're still doing pretty well for yourself as far as your life goes.  Don't ever stop finding the silver linings to your cloudy days, and if it helps? Keep blogging about them every Wednesday to remind yourself. 

Take lots of photos, write things down (or blog them...who are we kidding, nobody actually uses a pen and paper anymore), give hugs and tell people you love them, laugh a lot, and try to make someone else smile. 

You, Future Mandy -- are awesome.  I should know, because I, Present Mandy, am awesome.

Love,
You

Life Well-Lived, Vol. 10

Happy Wednesday!  Today is my 10th Installment of  "Life Well Lived!"  I didn't post last week because I had some things in the works that I really wanted to put all on one post as a BONUS to the 10th posting in this series!

In case you needed a reminder, LIFE WELL LIVED is all about celebrating ALL the joys in your life, both big and small. Just because I feel like 10 is such a nice, round number, here are the previous 9, in case you were curious:

Week 1: College, Babies, The Today Show, and Frivolous Purchases
Week 2: Paychecks, The 3-Day Walk, Politicians and Outdoor Concerts
Week 3: Blogger Meet-Ups, Rooftop Parties, General Silliness and a Disney Honeymoon
Week 4: Mavericks Mascot, Real-Life Movie Moments and My Best Friend's Wedding
Week 5: Neeley's Guest Post!
Week 6: Cover Girl, Mama Morton, Celebrity Tweets and Baking Cookies
Week 7: International Kissing Day!
Week 8: Excerpt from The Cellist of Sarajevo
Week 9: The "Girlfriends" Edition

I think the most important thing I have taken from doing these posts every Wednesday is that I have been seeking out opportunities to make my life even more well lived than it already is.  I think that's really the point...both recognizing the awesome things and blessings in your life as well as taking the opportunity (or opportunities) to create more.  This week?  IS A DOOZY!

(Don't forget to follow @MyLifeWellLived on Twitter!  Blog, or just tweet about what makes your #LifeWellLived (don't forget the hashtag) and join in the fun!)

Let's get to it, shall we??

1. I sat at a coffee shop with some tunes and a good friend....and COLORED. 

My friend Heather and I got together last Wednesday, since we NEVER see each other, and on the way there, I got a wild hair and stopped off at the drugstore and picked up a brand new 64-pack of Crayola crayons and three $1 coloring books (Tweety & Sylvester, Penguins of Madagascar and Star Wars: The Clone Wars!).  We drank chocolate milkshakes and colored and talked and caught up with each others' lives.

It. Was. Awesome.

Is there anything better than a brand new box of crayons??

I rule at the coloring.  Look at that shading!

So excited about the coloring!  I highly encourage you all to do this!  Go by yourself with your iPod full of favorite tunes, or go with a friend and remember what it felt like to just be a little kid and color.  It was very good for my soul!

2. I was recognized by my peers for playing one of my favorite theatrical roles to date -- with an award!

A couple of weeks ago was the Lakeside Community Theatre end-of-season awards banquet.  I received the award for Best Supporting Actress for my role as Laura in The Glass Menagerie by Tennessee Williams...

And the entire cast was recognized and awarded for costume design (we all worked collaboratively to costume the show):



This was definitely one of my most rewarding theatrical experiences, and I was so very honored to be recognized both as an individual performer and as a cast.  I miss this beautiful show!

3. I took a dance class with a dancer from So You Think You Can Dance!!

You may or may not already know that I am a HUGE fan of the Fox reality show So You Think You Can Dance (SYTYCD).  I watch it religiously every Wednesday and Thursday night, and I've become incredibly attached to this season and its contestants. 

Well, this past Saturday, July 30th, was the second annual National Dance Day, and while Chris Koehl was, sadly, voted off the show already, he came back to Texas to give some hip hop master classes -- and one was given at a local studio that is very close to my heart. 

This is me with the owner of Denton Dance Conservatory, Miss Lisa Racine-Torre.  I've known Lisa since I was a very young girl, because my very best friend of 20 years, Shelly, was one of the very first dance students at DDC.  Here's a picture of Shelly in the studio:

My good friend Casey, who was in The Producers with me last summer, took the class, too.  This is us before we got all sweaty:

The class itself?  Well it went great!  Was I the best dancer in the room? Hardly.  There were 13-year-olds out-dancing me.  Did I even nail the routine?  Not even a little bit!  Did I have an AMAZING time and enjoy every second of it?  You bet I did!

Chris is one of the very nicest people I have ever met.  He is so humble and kind and was so gracious to be back at the studio where he used to teach, and he answered every question and posed for pictures with and hugged every person in attendance. 

It was so special to me to hear him talking to so many young girls (dancers, especially) about how what we do does not define us, but we have to learn and be comfortable and happy with who we are inside, as people and as individuals.  And, as children of the Lord.  Chris has so much potential for ministry and to bless everyone with whom he comes in contact.  I am so blessed to have met him and to have had this amazing opportunity:

Here's one of my favorite dances of Chris's this season on SYTYCD:

My favorite thing Chris said during the whole class?  "Joy strengthens you." At the time, he was making a point that enjoying yourself, whether or not you're getting the moves down technically perfectly, is going to make you a much better performer and much more fun to watch.  But, after listening to him talk, I know that he means it on a much deeper level, too.  I got tears in my eyes immediately when he said this!

You guys, what a GREAT couple of weeks I have had!  I am so incredibly blessed to have these experiences and to have the opportunity to CREATE opportunities to have a more well-lived life.  I strongly encourage you to do the same.  Blessings can be found ANYWHERE!

Stop! Vloggy Time!

I've been such a bad blogger...I haven't posted in a week!  (Wow, remember when that statement used to be "month" or "year?" I'd say I've become a better blogger overall, so let's just focus on that, shall we?)

I didn't do Fitness Friday.  I didn't do Tuesday Tunes.  BUT!  To make up for it (??) I am posting a VIDEO BLOG (aka "vlog") today!

Laura posted a vlog over on her blog and I thought "why the heck not?!"  So here 'tis -- the vlog in which I answer a list of Girly Questions.  Enjoy!