Changes

(for the record, that's not the brilliant blog post title I wanted.  but at the end of the day, that's the basic subject of what you're about to read. and it's more important to me to get all of this said than to come up with a witty title.)

(also this post is gonna be long. sorry.)

I have lots of internet friends. Some I've met in real life, some I may never meet in real life, but I actually feel closer to them than you might imagine.  One of those awesome internet-friends-I-just-haven't-met-yet-but-I-know-we'd-be-besties friends is Bex.

Bex is rad.

Bex sent me a CD full of Nate Ruess music (Fun., yes, but also stuff from when he sang with The Format).

Bex (indirectly) encouraged me to read Bukowski and watch The Big Bang Theory.  These are all reasons Bex is the bomb.edu, but I want to talk about a post she wrote recently (real recently...like, published today) in which she basically set up camp inside my brain and put into words many of the things that I haven't been able to quite articulate yet.  Here in a moment or two, I'm going to straight up copy/paste some of her sentiments and then add my comments.  But first...

Anyone who knows me (and knows me well) will have noticed that, over the past 10 months or so, I have made some pretty drastic changes.  I stopped drinking soda, cleaned up my eating, and lost 20lbs (and counting, I hope).  I stopped drinking alcohol. I started spending more time at home. I got back into a habit of spending time with the Bible and reading my devotional emails and trying to live a Christ-focused life. I started saying "no" to things.

I'm trying to simplify.

All of these things have made a couple of things very clear to me...the first and most important was that I needed to start making Christ a priority again.  The (very close) second was that I have not been the type of wife I should've been trying to be from "I do." The third was that, even with all these awesome internet friends...all you really need is a close circle of real life friends.  K.I.S.S. and all that.  Keep it simple, stupid.

I'm trying to recognize which friendships are worth cultivating and making daily, real effort to maintain, and recognize which ones are surface, online, fringe friendships that probably don't need to take up a whole lot of energy or drama or stress. Please understand what I'm saying here. Nobody is a throw-away friend. I wish ill on nobody. All I'm saying is...simplify. 

I need to prioritize.

What makes me happy? Actually, what makes my husband happy? What makes my Creator happy? Is what I'm doing making all 3 of us happy? Because that's what matters.

So onto the Lovely Bex and her amazing words that seemed to reflect what I've been stressing over lately:

I'm here to tell you that sometimes it's okay to be selfish. There's a difference between being selfish and being self-centered in that selfish can be temporary, whereas self-centered rarely is. Sometimes you're worn down by constant demands that are made by loved ones and/or coworkers. Hell, sometimes you demand too much of yourself. It's okay to take a step back and breathe, because here's something that took me too damn long to learn -- it's okay to say "no" to people. You can say no to hanging out if you want to stay in. You can say no to a phone conversation if you know that you'll just be dead air to the other end of the line. You can say no to favors. If your friends know you well enough, they'll back off. They know as well as you do that if they had a crisis in the middle of the night, you'd still show up with no hesitation. Needing time to yourself is not synonymous with being a jerk.

Word, Bex.

You guys, if I'm saying "no" to things and wanting to stay home instead of going to the bars, or not taking the ONE day I have off and going to see your show, stop taking it personally. It's not you, it's me. I just need to recharge. I need to do what's best for me. 

It's okay to re-prioritize your life even though some people may not make the cut... and it's okay not to miss those people, too. Usually it means you've made the right decision. You'll get nostalgic occasionally, but it's mostly nostalgia for the fun or the happiness you had with the people in question. In our everlasting instinct to want to think the best of people, our memories turn to the happy times when we reminisce. If you've ever been upset over the end of a crappy relationship, you know how this goes. People change. You change. As the age-old proverb goes, change is the only constant.

Speaking of which, it's okay to change. You are not betraying anyone by growing as a person (and if they act like it is a betrayal, seriously, it's time to re-evaluate your social circle). Life is too short to pretend to be something or someone you're not just to appease other people or keep from hurting their feelings. Some people want to travel, others are homebodies. Some people want to get married, some will never get out of their party animal stage. Some people want kids, some people don't. Some people need friends outside of their marriage, others are perfectly content with their spouse and their family.  It's okay to be any of these things, as long as you don't lie to others -- or yourself -- about who you really are and where your heart truly is.

Some of those are...whoa...I mean get out of my head, Bex. The colored text (I added the color to point it out) is something I've been trying to verbalize for a couple of weeks now.  

Facebook has put a pressure on all of us to hang out all the time and stay completely invested in the lives of our 400 friends. I really wish I had a nickel for every time I've seen an "I miss you so much let's hang out!" and it just seems...rote. Borderline insincere at times.  But here's the thing...it's okay! I really don't mind if you don't wanna hang out with me; nor should you mind ("you" being the general population here, of course) if I only want to stay informed of your life based on what you choose to share on social media. It's really, really okay. I love seeing parts of your life, "liking" your photos and whatnot...but it's really really okay if we don't keep putting this ridiculous pressure on finding a time to get coffee, which is probably something neither of us really wants to do, so let's just be honest about that. 

I don't expect my hundreds of Facebook friends (does that make me sound like an a-hole? I don't mean to...) to put in a whole lot of effort to keep up with me outside my public timeline. I won't do the same for all of them.  Put that energy into the friendships worth cultivating, and you'll save everyone a lot of hurt feelings and awkwardness. It's really okay.

Re: it's okay to change -- yes.  It's okay for me to change.  It's okay if you change. It's okay if you don't change. I don't drink alcohol at the moment...I don't care if you DO.  I want to stay home with my husband on a Friday night...I don't care if you wanna go OUT.  It's okay to be different and to have different priorities. I don't feel judged at all for my recent choices, but it's important to me that my friends know that neither do I judge them for theirs (unless they are harmful, of course, but that's coming from a place of concern and compassion, not judgment).

If someone is incandescently happy, don't you think you should be happy for them too?  Don't you think that they might have walked through the fires of hell to get to their happiness? Don't you think that if you focused a little bit more on yourself and how to escape your struggles that you'd eventually find your own happiness (and want to shout about it from the rooftops)?  I mean, I know it takes less effort to sit, sulk, and snark (and if that's what you choose to do, then I sincerely pity you) ... but what will you ever truly accomplish with your life if that's your attitude toward someone you claim to love who is happy?

Okay Bex, I hear ya. This one, I am guilty of doing to others. Part of my personal growth in the last year has been learning to recognize and admit to my flaws.  This is one of mine.  I get bitter, sometimes. I get angry when I feel like others seem to have every possible fortune bestowed upon them, when I'm struggling to make ends meet or don't get cast in a show or....am having a fat day while they (rightly) announce meeting their next weight loss milestone. I don't think I tend to dwell (for long, anyway) on my struggles so much, but I DO have to fight a knee-jerk reaction to be bitter, rather than happy for friends. I have to be proactive about remembering my own gifts and blessings and talents.

I'm...working on it. And yes, I know that "I'm working on it" and "I'm aware of it" do not give me carte blanche to be an asshole.  I'm going to mess up and struggle, but please know that it is something I'm aware of.

I recently turned 31. I'll blog about the actual birthday and all of it's awesomeness soon (all my pictures are at home, and by the time I get home, I'm sick of looking at a computer screen). I thought that, by my 30s, I'd have more of this all figured out.

I don't.

But I'm making changes, and they feel good. I truly hope the same for you...for my "fringe friends" and for my close friends, I wish you the same clarity and simple happiness...whether that comes on a quiet patio with a cup of coffee or surrounded by music and loud laughter and talking and people!

And I ask your forgiveness if I've hurt you or made you feel judged or unhappy on this journey of mine. It's my responsibility to not take the stumbling blocks along the way and use them as an excuse to bring you down with me.

Now, go get yourself another cookie (or bagel, or pickle, or whatever it is you are craving) for making it through another long post!

Life Well-Lived, Vol. 16

Can you believe it's been almost a full year since I wrote a Life Well-Lived post?!  Well, readers, my life is definitely still very well-lived.  I daresay it's even better, hence the lack of actual blogging. I just have so much awesome going on that it's hard for me to sit down and write a blog post these days.  But, today I feel compelled.  And!  It's Wednesday!  So it works out perfectly!

Life Well-Lived, in case you've forgotten, was conceived and implemented by the amazing Kelsey, and there's a Twitter account and everything.  So, blog about your own awesome life, tweet about it with the #LifeWellLived hashtag, and let us all rejoice with you in your awesome life!

1. I've had some truly special theatrical experiences since the last LWL post:

I was a part of an original creation with Sundown Collaborative Theatre about artists and the artistic process. 

I was in the ensemble for Kismet in concert with Lyric Stage.

 

I was the assistant director for Dog Sees God at the DCT Black Box, and I also played Van's Sister. 



I directed a staged reading of a brand new play, Clipped by Lance Griffin, for DCT's Method & Madness Playwriting Festival. 

 

I was cast in my first fully-staged production at Lyric Stage: an ensemble role in Oklahoma!...

...where I met two of my very favorite new friends in the entire world!

 

2.  I donated 8 inches of hair to Pantene's Beautiful Lengths program:

3. I got a brand new baby niece, with whom I am 100% completely in love:

I think that's a pretty good start for getting back into the groove of things, don't you? So, what's new with you?

Life Well-Lived, Vol. 15

Another BUSY Wednesday, but I have just enough time before I leave work to quickly eat dinner and get ready for rehearsal to write today's Life Well Lived post!

Today I want to talk about my baby. No, I don't have any human children (yet), but I do definitely have a baby. Her name is Carmen, and she's an (almost) 3-year old pitbull mix pup. In March of 2009, we heard a rustling in our front bushes as we were leaving for work, and this sweet face popped right out:

Long story short...we didn't try very hard to find out where she came from. We checked for "Lost Dog" signs/notices and we had her scanned for a microchip.  Then we promptly got her shots and tags and made her ours. 

She is very, very spoiled.

And the prettiest thing you have ever seen in your life, no?

I think we make a very attractive family.  She has her mommy's red hair.

She likes to go visit the dog park, Wiggly Field (and makes the face below whenever you say "Wiggly Field??") and play with the other pups.

She also LOVES to play with her "tuggie."  She has recently figured out how to unbraid them, though, so that's fun.  I vacuum a lot.

I love this dog more than just about anything in the whole world. She is so sweet and good and cuddly and loving and smart and obedient and everything you want a family pet to be.  I can't imagine my life without my baby girl.

She definitely makes my—our!— life WELL LIVED.  Carmen, I'm so glad you found us.

Life Well-Lived, Vol. 14

Better late than never again, right?  I know it's not Wednesday, but seeing as how I've not posted a Life Well Lived post in a few weeks and I was home sick with the plague (a.k.a. "Texas allergy season") yesterday and also seeing as how I've been NOTICEABLY (at least to me) less positive and upbeat lately, I think it's fair to post one today.

Gah.  That was the worst sentence ever. I'm blaming it on the massive amount of histamine-blocking medication coursing through my veins today. 

ANYWAY!  Here's an installment of:

Today's installment will deal with my family.  We all complain about our families...and usually with good reason.  They can be intrusive, nosy, critical, crazy, obnoxious, embarrassing...you pick the adjective and they've probably been that way.  BUT -- they are also the people who love you unconditionally (despite how your Mom makes you feel sometimes or how your Dad nitpicks every decision you make or your brother still makes you wanna get him in a headlock and give him the noogie of his life).

No. Matter. What.

As I've gotten older, I've really grown to appreciate my family so much more...especially my immediate family.  Yes, my parents are divorced (and re-married to really amazing people, might I add) and I have one "full" brother and one "half" brother, but these four people—Mom, Dad, Older Brother and Younger Brother—are still tightly knit and bound together.  We all get along (most of the time).  We care about each other. 

My parents still drive me crazy, but when, pardon my French, the shit really hits the fan?  They are still the first people I call.  Sometimes my gut reaction is still to call my Mom or Dad instead of even my husband...which makes me feel like a bad wife sometimes...but I can't help it! There's almost 30 years of habit in there!

My two brothers are my heroes...to the point where my husband told me once (lovingly, might I add), "You let your brothers get away with SO much more than you let me."  Oops.  I should probably work on that.

The true test of a family, in my opinion, is how they react when things get really bad.  In the past 3-4 years, my family has had to deal with a lot of tragedy: illnesses, deaths of family members, loss of work, marital strain and tests in relationships, etc.  You name it.  But because of our faith and our love for each other, all of these things have made the bonds between us so much stronger.

I have been blessed with an amazing immediate (and extended...but they aren't who I'm talking about today) family, and I'm lucky to have them. 

Younger Brother and me, circa 1986.  Aren't we cute?

Mom, Grandma and me.  If they're any indication of my aging process, I'm a VERY lucky girl.

Dad and me, my wedding rehearsal

Older brother, me and Younger brother at my birthday last year



Younger brother and me, bustin' a move at my wedding.



My very favorite picture of me with my two amazing brothers.

So...there you go. My family definitely has aided in making me the person I am today, and they absolutely make my life well lived.

Life Well-Lived, Vol. 13

I can't believe this is WEEK 13!  Crazy! Let's get to it!

So, what is Life Well Lived?  It's very simply a celebration of the things (big or small) that enrich our everyday lives.  So let's talk about today's things that, I feel, make my life WELL LIVED.
(Don't forget to follow @MyLifeWellLived on Twitter!  Blog, or just tweet about what makes your #LifeWellLived (don't forget the hashtag) and join in the fun!)

Today I wanna talk about how my life is well lived because I am surrounded by talented people in my life. There is NO WAY I am gonna be able to mention every single talented person in my life in this post, so PLEASE don't get hurt/offended/butthurt about it! I just wanna call attention to a few:

Right now, some of my friends in Sundown Collaborative Theatre are performing their show Happily Ever After (written and directed by Cody Lucas, who is also performing in the production) at the FringeNYC Festival in New York, NY.  They have been relentlessly rehearsing this show for four months...in garages (in stifling triple-digit temperatures, mind you) in dance studios, wherever they can find a place.  And on Monday night?  They performed it at the festival.

Photo by Tiffany Hillan

Yesterday, my friend Tashina (pictured below as a creepy-as-hell Rapunzel) posted on her Twitter that their performance was reviewed and that she was pretty much overwhelmed (in a good way!) by how well they were received.  Check out their amazing review here. 

Photo by Tiffany Hillan

Also, Tashina and Travis (pictured below, left) (that's Zane on the right) have posted trip diaries on TheaterJones.com.  You can read those here and here.  I will admit that I got a little verklempt reading both the trip diaries and the review.  I'm VERY proud of my friends.  Proud of them for their accomplishment, and proud that they are representing little ol' Denton, Texas in New York City as well as they are. Also? I cannot WAIT to work with them on their next production, Cafe des Artistes, in November (Tashina is directing it, and it's gonna be awesome).

Photo by Tiffany Hillan

Also, even though I talked about this yesterday already, I'm SUPER proud of my friends in Manic Bloom for making their very first (awesome) music video.  It's so awesome to see the product of your friends' labor when they are so passionate about what they do, and I couldn't help but smile the entire time I watched their video. 

Finally, I just wanna share some YouTube videos of some of my friends' performances.  The first one is my AMAZING husband in a production of Pirates of Penzance:

My friend Andrew Tinker's official music video...he's like Jason Mraz, only cuter!

My good friend Max, (whom I mayyyyyy have a teeny tiny little talent crush on) singing "This is the Moment" and just generally being awesome:

And FINALLY, one of my favorite videos I've ever uploaded -- my friends dancing in a producion we did of Crazy For You back in 2009.

I LOVE TAPPING!  I wish I could do it!

ANYWHO, not bad for just a VERY SMALL SAMPLING of the talented people in my life, huh?  Seriously, I could devote an entire blog to the talent pool of my friends and this Dallas/Ft. Worth community, but for now, I'll just stick with this post.

So there you have it!  Another week of praising what things make my life WELL LIVED!  I encourage you to play along and write your own post!  Happy Wednesday!

Life Well-Lived, Vol. 12

Happy Wednesday, friends!  It's time for another installment of Life Well Lived over here at Music and Baseball.  First of all -- WELCOME to the new readers I've gotten lately!  My stats have really spiked over the last week or so, and I couldn't be more thrilled.  More blog readers definitely make me wanna keep blogging, so keep stopping by and keep commenting.  I love it!

So, what is Life Well Lived?  It's very simply a celebration of the things (big or small) that enrich our everyday lives.  So let's talk about today's things that, I feel, make my life WELL LIVED.
(Don't forget to follow @MyLifeWellLived on Twitter!  Blog, or just tweet about what makes your #LifeWellLived (don't forget the hashtag) and join in the fun!)

1. I started a book club! And we've already had 3 meetings (and counting...).

As part of my 101 in 1001 goals (see tab at the top of this page...I guess one of my goals should be to actually FINISH THE LIST, huh??), I have started a book club!  We had a meeting last night to discuss The Jungle by Upton Sinclair (not one of my favorite books, but hey...it's all about trying new things, right?), and it was a really great discussion.  Now we just need to get more members! (hint hint)

2. I've now left 5 (of 50) Operation Beautiful notes!

Another of my 101 in 1001 goals was to leave 50 Operation Beautiful notes in different places and photograph each one.  Click on the Operation Beautiful tab at the top of this page to see what I've done so far, and BY ALL MEANS, start carrying post-its and a sharpie around with you and do the same!  I guarantee you it will change your whole day around and you just may make someone else's day.

3. I still crack myself up (especially when it comes to conversations with my Bestie/Evil Twin Shelly).

I may or may not have made myself laugh for a good 5 minutes after this text conversation happened yesterday...and TRUST ME, there are so many more gems that I could be posting...I just had to pick a (relatively) PG-rated one to post on the ol' blog.  ;)  Shelly is one of the few people that have been around for over 2 decades in my life, and seriously?  We laugh. all. the. time.  It's awesome.

4.  I have a "local haunt."

I've already given some of the reasons I Heart Denton on this blog, but I REALLY REALLY DO love my little hipster/hippie town.  One of my favorite things about Denton is my very favorite bar -- The Loophole.

It (and another bar I love across town called II Charlies) is owned by a friend I used to wait tables with about (gasp!) 13 years ago.  It's got a great atmosphere, great drink specials....I just love it.  It's my go-to place with friends, and very very likely where I will spend my 30th birthday.  Low key and awesome.  Love it. 

(No really, I'm not an alcoholic...haha..ha...*awkward silence*)

So now it's your turn!  Pick a few things and tell me why your life is WELL LIVED!  Comment!  Put a link to your list!  And have a great day!

Life Well-Lived, Vol. 11

Hello, readers!  It's WEDNESDAY, so that means it's time to celebrate LIFE WELL LIVED!
In case you needed a reminder, LIFE WELL LIVED is all about celebrating ALL the joys in your life, both big and small.

(Don't forget to follow @MyLifeWellLived on Twitter!  Blog, or just tweet about what makes your #LifeWellLived (don't forget the hashtag) and join in the fun!)

Let's get to it, shall we??

Today is kind of a special day for LWL, because I'm using part of a project I'm working on with the wonderful ladies of the Denton Women's Collective I've been a part of for a couple of months now. At our last meeting, I asked each girl to send me a picture of herself that she loved along with 10 things she loves about herself. Here are a few that I've gotten so far, with my own at the bottom (click on the pictures to see the larger versions):

1.) Brittany

1. I have smooth, soft skin like a baby. Seriously, I forgot to put lotion on this morning, but you could never tell by rubbing these elbows.

2. I have really, really good taste in music. Ok, look, I know this could be considered subjective, and I definitely make up for it when it comes to television (Jersey Shore comes back this week….GTL, baby!), but my music collection runs the gamut from The Band to The Avett Brothers and everything in between, and I think that’s pretty awesome.

3. I have a big ol’ booty, I’m good with that! No matter how many lunges and squats I do, it’s just not going anywhere, but that’s ok. In fact, it’s one of the few parts of my body that I don’t often wish was smaller. It makes me feel curvaceous and feminine and besides, even white boys got to shout, baby got back.

4. I’m almost always willing to give someone a second chance. Sometimes this makes people say I’m too nice (as if there is such a thing!), and sometimes it means I have to learn my lessons the hard way (just fyi, the FIRST time your boyfriend lies to you would be good time to dump his ass). But it also means that when a friendship or relationship ends, I can leave it knowing I gave it my all, feeling peaceful about the way I handled things.

5. I’ve been told I have a warm smile. You know how the best compliments always come from a stranger, someone who has absolutely nothing to gain from being nice to you? Well when I was in college I got a call from a family looking for a nanny, and I had to tell them that I had just found a job and wouldn’t be able to interview with them. They told me they were disappointed because that had seen my picture and loved my “warm smile.” Isn’t that one of the greatest compliments you ever heard?! That was 8 years ago and it’s stuck with me!

6. I’m good at being an adult. That sounds silly, but I’m really proud of the fact that I live on my own, am financially independent, and can put together a console table all by myself (and in less than 20 minutes, holla!). And when my boyfriend of six years cheated on me on a business trip, I moved out of our house without once losing my shit and slashing his tires or throwing his electronics out of a second-floor window. If that’s not something to be proud of, I don’t know what is!

7. I have awesome hair. I was at the mall a few weeks ago, and as I strolled through the purse department I overheard a clerk say to her co-worker, “That girl’s hair is so cute! I think that’s how I should cut mine.” And while I’ve been pulling my hair back mostly just to avoid, you know, DEATH, during this summer heat wave, four people have told me they love my little pony tail this week alone! Sure, this is mostly thanks to my awesome hair stylist, but hey, I rock it!

8. I am a hard core planner. My absolute favorite Christmas gift last year was a “Life Planner” my brother gave me. It has my name on the front and pockets and tabs and stickers and just….guh….it’s ridiculous the amount of pleasure it brings me. I’ve recently become obsessed with the ColorNote app (Post-Its on your phone!!!) and I can make a list like nobody’s business. Sometimes I feel like I need to focus more on being spontaneous and going with the flow, but being such a planner means I’m able to arrange days off work to hit up a music festival, or put together an awesome bachelorette party for my best friend, or even help plan an awesome community outreach event for young girls!

9. I kind of have great boobs. They’re small enough that I can get away without wearing a bra when it’s 109 degrees out (seriously, c’mon, mother nature!), but existent enough to look pretty hot in a low cut shirt.

10. I can say with certainty that I touch people’s lives. This is most definitely the thing on my list I am MOST proud of. I work with kids with learning disabilities, so almost every single day I have the opportunity to make a difference for them. There are days I want to bang my head against a wall while simultaneously poking myself in the eye with a pencil. But then someone goes and does something amazing, like reading an entire page from a grade-level book without a single error, or clearly articulating the difference between multiplication and division, or giving me live frogs for teacher appreciation week (yeah, that for reals happened) and I remember why I am so incredibly proud of what I do. A kid told me once, “Ms. Sassaman, I’m getting smarter, and it might be because of you.” And that’s plenty of reason to love myself right there.

2. Vassi

3. Rachel

4. Mandy

Also, I've been toying with the idea of making my own commercial like the now famous Dove commercial (seen here), and I decided to give it a shot yesterday.  The commercial shows how quickly a very beautiful woman is turned into someone completely unrecognizeable, but who is the person we see on billboards and magazine advertisements for cosmetics. I actually feel like with this song I should be taking OFF my makeup, but I think that the message this ends up sending is that it's kind of sad how much time we spend (yes, I'm guilty of it) putting on makeup and trying to enhance ourselves. There's some irony in there, so I kept it the way it is.

I encourage you to try EITHER of these projects to remind yourself that you are beautiful JUST the way you are made.  Wear makeup, sure, and feel girly (like I talked about here in my girly questions Vlog), but remember that you really are perfect just the way you are!