December 20, 2012

Pregnancy Post -- When does it get fun?

This post may be a little grinchy and whiny...

I've been wanting to post another "hey, here's how things are going!" post after my first one about a month ago, but I've been putting it off for several reasons:
  • I am superstitious and wanted to wait til I had another doctor's appointment and confirmed the baby was still doing well (this is also why I JUST sent out Christmas cards yesterday).
  • I've been busy at work.
  • I don't have a lot to say that's cheerful and excited.
That third bullet up there is what's bothering me the most.

I am officially 14 weeks pregnant today.  I had a doctor's appointment on Tuesday of this week, at which my husband and I heard the baby's heartbeat via Doppler.  I wasn't overcome with joy, though. I was just RELIEVED.  I needed proof and evidence that the baby was still alive and kicking (though I can't feel it yet) inside me. It took the doctor a few seconds to find the baby and the heartbeat, which I'm sure is perfectly normal this early, and my husband said he could tell by my body language that with each passing second I was starting to panic until I finally heard that galloping noise.

We had lunch together yesterday, and we had a lot to say about how we're feeling about this pregnancy.  At one point the question came up, "We are excited about this, aren't we?"  Of course we are! We planned this and prayed about it and cannot wait to be parents.  It's just...well, I'm not going to speak for him on this, but for me it's just that I don't feel emotionally connected to this pregnancy.

Everyone seems more excited about it than we are, which, in turn, makes me feel super guilty and lazy.

I started crying at lunch because I told Michael all I have been truly focusing on have been the more negative things:
  • The fear. 
  • The annoyance when people brush off or invalidate my fear (i.e., "Oh it's fine, stop worrying.").
  • The loss of control over my body and my hormones (i.e., the exhaustion, the gag reflex that seems to sit right behind my teeth and seems to be getting worse rather than better, the little sharp pains here and there, the emotions GOD THE EMOTIONS).
  • The fact that I have to remind myself "Oh right...I'm pregnant" sometimes.
  • The weight gain that isn't quite cute yet.
What's wrong with me??  I prayed fervently yesterday morning when the dog woke me up at 5am and I couldn't fall back asleep...I prayed that I'd feel happier and more excited.  I prayed that I will feel this baby move sooner than "normal" so I can have a daily reminder that it's there.  I prayed that I'd let go of my anxiety and fear and the desperate need for tangible proof that this is actually happening...

(Which of course leads me to thoughts of faith in general.  Why do I need evidence to believe?  Why am I so convinced that something bad is going to happen? I don't generally live my life in fear...that's not who I am.  If anything, I'm usually kind of a "Well, there's nothing I can do about it, so whatever happens happens" type of person.  I do get anxiety, sure, but this is brand new [as it should be...I've never been pregnant before] stuff.)

I also just overall feel really really guilty that I'm not sitting around feeling like Mother Earth here, all peaceful and serene and rubbing my belly happily.  I may be one of those women who just views pregnancy as a means to an end, and all of this will seem silly and crazy and hormonal once I'm holding my baby.  I'm aware of that.

I'm just ready for it to get fun.  To feel as excited as everyone is around me, and not take their excitement for me away with my Charlie Brown attitude about all of this. 

It just still doesn't feel real.  Whine whine whine.  Maybe putting this "out there" will help, and I'll feel stupid for publishing it in a couple of days when I feel completely different.  Here's hoping!


  1. Lawd knows I don't know jack about baby making, but I hope it is comforting that no two pregnancies in the history of the world have been exactly the same... so I guess there's no chance yours will ever really be just like anyone else's anyway.

    And if I were you, I'd just start rubbing my belly all the time anyway, cause I think that just sounds pleasant. *rubs food-baby belly* :)

  2. you are at what, at least for me, what the TOUGHEST time in the pregnancy (well, its also tough when you're 4 weeks from delivery, can't walk, sit, lay, or stand without discomfort...and sleep has long left you...blah, blah, blah). The cute bump isn't quite noticiable enough yet and all you feel is fat, yucky hair, and nausea. You want strangers to look at you and smile, already!!! I'm so excited that your day to wake up all of a sudden and have the bump (which is often accompanied by a sudden farewell to the nausea! a little wink from the Big Man, I think!), feel the kicks, and really get the nesting bug will arrive SOON. Not soon enough, but SOON. Then you'll at least start to feel that "I'm a precious vessel" business, and get a chance to enjoy being as special as you are.

    It's like the awful waiting time between getting engaged and sending out your wedding invitations. You're so excited to be engaged! Yay! Then you wait, wait, wait. Then you get excited again when its a couple months away! Baby growing is the same...but way worse in the waiting time :(. Can't wait to rub that belly!! If that's cool with you, of course...Happy last Christmas without diapers!!

  3. Annajanine is right. Where you are right now is the WORST stage of pregnancy. You just feel uncomfortable and bloated. In a few weeks* your tummy will pop and you'll look obviously pregnant, and around the same time you'll start feeling those first bubbles-popping sensations of the baby moving. For me, the second trimester was by far the BEST time with both my kids.

    *With my first pregnancy, I was almost 20 weeks before I started showing and needing maternity pants and feeling the baby move. With my second, all those things happened much sooner, around 14 weeks. Just FYI.

    That said, I didn't ever really enjoy being pregnant, except for how it was the first time I truly LOVED my body and was completely comfortable in it. Fortunately, those feelings have mostly lasted beyond pregnancy; something about going through two healthy pregnancies, birthing two babies, and nursing them is pretty amazing. :-) But all the "magical" aspects of being pregnant pretty much eluded me, both times. I was thrilled to not be pregnant anymore, and I'm happy to be done with that part of my life.