I've been wanting to post another "hey, here's how things are going!" post after my first one about a month ago, but I've been putting it off for several reasons:
- I am superstitious and wanted to wait til I had another doctor's appointment and confirmed the baby was still doing well (this is also why I JUST sent out Christmas cards yesterday).
- I've been busy at work.
- I don't have a lot to say that's cheerful and excited.
I am officially 14 weeks pregnant today. I had a doctor's appointment on Tuesday of this week, at which my husband and I heard the baby's heartbeat via Doppler. I wasn't overcome with joy, though. I was just RELIEVED. I needed proof and evidence that the baby was still alive and kicking (though I can't feel it yet) inside me. It took the doctor a few seconds to find the baby and the heartbeat, which I'm sure is perfectly normal this early, and my husband said he could tell by my body language that with each passing second I was starting to panic until I finally heard that galloping noise.
We had lunch together yesterday, and we had a lot to say about how we're feeling about this pregnancy. At one point the question came up, "We are excited about this, aren't we?" Of course we are! We planned this and prayed about it and cannot wait to be parents. It's just...well, I'm not going to speak for him on this, but for me it's just that I don't feel emotionally connected to this pregnancy.
Everyone seems more excited about it than we are, which, in turn, makes me feel super guilty and lazy.
I started crying at lunch because I told Michael all I have been truly focusing on have been the more negative things:
- The fear.
- The annoyance when people brush off or invalidate my fear (i.e., "Oh it's fine, stop worrying.").
- The loss of control over my body and my hormones (i.e., the exhaustion, the gag reflex that seems to sit right behind my teeth and seems to be getting worse rather than better, the little sharp pains here and there, the emotions GOD THE EMOTIONS).
- The fact that I have to remind myself "Oh right...I'm pregnant" sometimes.
- The weight gain that isn't quite cute yet.
(Which of course leads me to thoughts of faith in general. Why do I need evidence to believe? Why am I so convinced that something bad is going to happen? I don't generally live my life in fear...that's not who I am. If anything, I'm usually kind of a "Well, there's nothing I can do about it, so whatever happens happens" type of person. I do get anxiety, sure, but this is brand new [as it should be...I've never been pregnant before] stuff.)
I also just overall feel really really guilty that I'm not sitting around feeling like Mother Earth here, all peaceful and serene and rubbing my belly happily. I may be one of those women who just views pregnancy as a means to an end, and all of this will seem silly and crazy and hormonal once I'm holding my baby. I'm aware of that.
I'm just ready for it to get fun. To feel as excited as everyone is around me, and not take their excitement for me away with my Charlie Brown attitude about all of this.
It just still doesn't feel real. Whine whine whine. Maybe putting this "out there" will help, and I'll feel stupid for publishing it in a couple of days when I feel completely different. Here's hoping!