I've been staring at this blank, open blogger window for a few days now (on separate occasions of course...I have slept and worked and done other things of course) trying to think of how to just jump back into this non-theatre, non-devotional-inspired blogging. I suppose I should just make it simple:
I've gained some weight back...only about 10-12 lbs or so of what I lost (of which I've re-lost about 5, so net gain is really about 5-7lbs).
I've decided not to attempt the Susan G. Komen 3-Day Walk for the Cure again this year. My teammates and I agree we may try it again next year, but a year off seemed to fit our current lifestyles/schedules. I think we all breathed a sigh of relief when we each realized the other was thinking the same thing.
This has left me feeling...unsettled. Lazy. Unmotivated. Bummed out. ROUND AND SOFT.
I can't even tell you when I decided, "You know what? Maybe I'll try running." Maybe it was when I realized that running three times a week and drastically counting calories again would be the best way to jump start my weight loss again. Maybe it was because I ended up following some Twitter people who are running for one reason or another (for themselves, for weight loss, for therapy/alone time, for a cause, etc.) and I thought "they really seem to enjoy this -- I wonder if I would?"
Turns out? I kinda do. Like, a lot.
I'm slow. I can't run very far without feeling like dying. I get winded quickly. Old ladies with walkers pass me (okay that's not true).
But I'm doing it. I'm going three times a week. I recently discovered that I enjoy running outside more than running on a treadmill going nowhere. Until today, I was running two miles, three times a week...mostly without stopping.
Today, I decided to push myself a little. I mapped out a new route and I ran 2.61 miles in beautiful weather. While I struggled with my rhythm and my stride at times, I never stopped to walk. I always regained a breathing pattern that I could maintain.
I'm not doing Couch to 5k. I'm not quite sure what I'm doing. I don't have special shoes or gel packs or special methods. I'm just out on the pavement...taking measured breaths every few strides, in and out, and reaching small goals at a time.
It calms me. It gives me time to think and to breathe and to leave all the stress I may have been building up on the pavement. It leaves me with a feeling of breathless accomplishment every time I push myself a little further.
I am a goal-oriented person. I need something to work for. Right now? It's being able to run 5k without stopping. After that? Actually register for and run a 5k....and then some 5ks. After that? Who knows...I just know that I've found an activity that's mine and mine alone. No teammates. No fellow actors. Just a network of people congratulating me and encouraging me...but the action alone is mine.
I didn't realize how badly I needed just that.
May 16, 2011
April 25, 2011
Time to Rest
From my Girlfriends in God devotional this morning:
I have always loved music and began taking piano lessons at the age of five. I will never forget that first piano lesson with Mrs. McKenzie, a very sweet, elderly woman who played the piano beautifully. Her hair was slightly blue, her house smelled like lemon drops and she had clocks that chimed and rang every fifteen minutes. I was so excited and so ready to play the piano like my sister who played for our church worship services. Betty was an amazing pianist and I was desperately hoping that same musical ability filtered down to me.Time to rest.
"Let's get started," Mrs. McKenzie said. I climbed up on the piano bench, waiting for her brilliant instruction to begin. She placed a bright, red piano book in front of me and invited me to open it to the first page. I was disappointed to see only little, black pictures. Where was the music? Where were the songs? Mrs. McKenzie smiled as she patiently began to explain the musical symbols pictured in the book before me. I soon grew restless. "What's the matter?" she asked. "I want to play the piano, please," I sweetly responded. With a knowing smile, she said, "We'll get to that." I was not happy. On and on - for what seemed like hours, Mrs. McKenzie pointed to funny-shaped black symbols, named them and explained their meaning. I was not impressed. I just wanted to get my hands on that keyboard!
Sensing my impatience, Mrs. McKenzie pointed to one of the symbols on the page before me and said, "Mary, this small, black box is called a 'rest' and is one of the most important symbols in music." I simply did not care. It did nothing but sit on a page in useless and unproductive silence. I wanted music. "Do you know why rests are so important in music?" she persisted. Obviously, I had no clue. She then said something I remember to this day, "The music that comes after the rest is the most beautiful music of all." At the time, I did not understand the deeper meaning of those words, but life and time have illustrated their importance and their truth.
The best part of life comes after we rest in God. The most beautiful service follows time at His feet. Rest is a powerful part of our life song. Just as the rest in music prepares the listener for what comes next, time spent in rest is an invaluable time of preparation and restoration. Yet, we often buy the enemy’s lie that to rest is a waste. The psalmist disagrees when he writes: He makes me to lie down in green pastures ... He restores my soul... (Psalm 23:2-3). Now that word “makes” takes on a whole new meaning when it comes to God’s work in and through us. Understand that if we refuse to rest, the Father will “make” us rest. The good news is that time spent in rest is the prelude of God’s restoration power.
April 22, 2011
If You Can't Say Something Nice
"I hate my legs."
That's the very first thing I think about myself when I see ANY picture of me that isn't from the waist up only. I don't pay attention to the fact that I have a waist now. I don't notice how blue my eyes look, or that my hair is AWESOMELY red. I jump immediately to the negative.
I had a voice teacher once who used to stop me before I could even open my mouth before I came offstage from a departmental performance or even after finishing a run-through of a song in a lesson. Before I could immediately say something like "Ugh, my phrasing was terrible there," or, "I totally cracked on the high note," she would say, "Okay! Name three things you liked about that before you say anything else." She wouldn't offer a single constructive criticism, which, as my voice teacher, she was kind of being paid to do, until we talked about three good things about my performance.
I've found that I have kept that with me about my performing or even about my work day ("Well, today was a beating...but at least I finished A, B and C." Okay so I do it backwards, but I still mention some good things almost immediately).
Why can't I do that about myself? Why can't I look at a picture of me and say "My facial expression in that photo is awesome. Look how long and pretty my hair is! Wow, you can actually see that I have a waist! Go me!" Instead, I let a picture of me completely ruin my evening and send me into a downward spiral of depression and self-loathing.
Will that ever stop? Will I always be SO hard on myself? I mentioned in the dressing room last night that I was really disappointed in myself for letting myself gain about 9-10lbs back after all the work I'd done and that I could really see it in the pictures. One of my castmates said, "Mandy, do you know what you'd be saying to one of us if we were saying these same things? You'd be telling us how awesome we look and to stop being so hard on ourselves."
I don't have a problem building people around me up. I love doing that.
So why can't I do that for myself?
Okay, here we go...three nice things about myself:
1) I have lost over 30lbs and, with the exception of a minor setback, have kept all but the aforementioned 9-10lbs off. I have realized this and ALREADY begun working hard to get back on the wagon. I am making GOOD choices. I have nowhere to go but down (on the scale, that is) if I keep it up.
2) I am singing the crap out of my role in this show, and I love hearing more than just polite applause when I'm finished. I get at least one "Woooooo hoo!" every night. THAT is awesome.
3) I have really amazing hair. It looks even better the longer it gets. It's an awesome, natural color and it's healthy and soft and pretty.
Maybe I should do this every day. Maybe we all should.
That's the very first thing I think about myself when I see ANY picture of me that isn't from the waist up only. I don't pay attention to the fact that I have a waist now. I don't notice how blue my eyes look, or that my hair is AWESOMELY red. I jump immediately to the negative.
I had a voice teacher once who used to stop me before I could even open my mouth before I came offstage from a departmental performance or even after finishing a run-through of a song in a lesson. Before I could immediately say something like "Ugh, my phrasing was terrible there," or, "I totally cracked on the high note," she would say, "Okay! Name three things you liked about that before you say anything else." She wouldn't offer a single constructive criticism, which, as my voice teacher, she was kind of being paid to do, until we talked about three good things about my performance.
I've found that I have kept that with me about my performing or even about my work day ("Well, today was a beating...but at least I finished A, B and C." Okay so I do it backwards, but I still mention some good things almost immediately).
Why can't I do that about myself? Why can't I look at a picture of me and say "My facial expression in that photo is awesome. Look how long and pretty my hair is! Wow, you can actually see that I have a waist! Go me!" Instead, I let a picture of me completely ruin my evening and send me into a downward spiral of depression and self-loathing.
Will that ever stop? Will I always be SO hard on myself? I mentioned in the dressing room last night that I was really disappointed in myself for letting myself gain about 9-10lbs back after all the work I'd done and that I could really see it in the pictures. One of my castmates said, "Mandy, do you know what you'd be saying to one of us if we were saying these same things? You'd be telling us how awesome we look and to stop being so hard on ourselves."
I don't have a problem building people around me up. I love doing that.
So why can't I do that for myself?
Okay, here we go...three nice things about myself:
1) I have lost over 30lbs and, with the exception of a minor setback, have kept all but the aforementioned 9-10lbs off. I have realized this and ALREADY begun working hard to get back on the wagon. I am making GOOD choices. I have nowhere to go but down (on the scale, that is) if I keep it up.
2) I am singing the crap out of my role in this show, and I love hearing more than just polite applause when I'm finished. I get at least one "Woooooo hoo!" every night. THAT is awesome.
3) I have really amazing hair. It looks even better the longer it gets. It's an awesome, natural color and it's healthy and soft and pretty.
Maybe I should do this every day. Maybe we all should.
February 11, 2011
Ignoring the Wind
This blog post has been brewing in my mind for a long time. What's been stopping me from writing it is knowing that I'm going to come across as a lot of negative things: bitter, angry, selfish, resentful, arrogant, childish, etc.
Basically, I'm not going to sound very likeable at all, and I want people to like me. I want people to like me so badly, in fact, that THAT is a large factor in why I struggle and have been feeling sorry for myself lately.
Ever since I started trying to follow God's path for my life again, I have struggled with the performance area of my life. At first, the main struggle was just the WHY of it. WHY was I auditioning for show after show? WHY was I performing? And, selfishly, WHY was I not getting the accolades I thought I deserved? I had to admit to myself that I was doing a lot of my theatrical work for MY OWN glory and not for the glory of He who gave me the talents I have.
So, I took a break. I went several months without auditioning for anything, and I spent a lot of quality time with some friends and more importantly, with my husband. Then some shows came up that I was really interested in, and I started auditioning again. I prayed that whatever the outcome of those auditions, they would be God's doing and I would see the silver linings when and if I wasn't cast. I got a small string of rejections, but each was a success in one way or another and I was feeling good about just getting back out there and creating and being artistic, even if it was only for a few minutes during an audition side/monologue. Then I was finally cast in a beautiful show, which opens next week (see my theatre blog for more info), and the timing of said show allowed me to audition for and be cast in a production for which my husband will be music directing. Perfect! Everything worked out just as it should have to benefit me and my family the most, and I'm thrilled.
Okay...so I feel like I am finally getting some control over the choosing of shows and the balance of my deeply rooted artistic desires and the absolute need to prioritize and put my God, my husband and family before anything else. It's not easy and I am still working on it, but I feel confident in that. Great. But here's what else I've noticed on this break from theatre...
(Also, for the record? Here's where I start to whine. Just sayin'.)
(I'm also going to make some generalizations of theatre people. It doesn't mean YOU, necessarily, so don't get all hurt unless you have reason to.)
I've noticed that my social calendar and my phone got awfully...quiet. Not being in a show, not reviewing shows anymore, and not necessarily having the funds or even the DESIRE to go see 3-4 shows a month anymore has completely taken me out of the "scene." And being in that "scene" for so long is where I got most of my false notions of friendships and the thought that I was actually a part of a circle.
Out of sight, out of mind -- that's how I felt. And how I am still struggling with feeling. I stopped hearing from people, so I tried reaching out. Yes, I used social media, which some would say isn't really trying....but who doesn't? I tried wall posts, messages, texts, tweets...and responses just dwindled or never came at all. I DO recognize that the problem with my job sitting at a desk all day and being constantly able to be online creates the incessant need, at least in me, to have interaction. I know.
Then one day I noticed that I had well over 500 "friends" on Facebook. So, I decided it was time for a purge. I went in with a hard and fast rule: if I hadn't had, IN THE VERY LEAST, Facebook interaction with a person, much less a real-life (read: in person or phone call) interaction with someone since The Producers: deleted. This eliminated over 80 people from my friends list. That was pretty amazing to me. It showed me just how many people I kept around just to keep tabs on or "network" with or make sure they had access to all that I was doing. Silly, right?
I also decided to do what I call a "Michael test." My husband will sometimes test out people just to prove a point...I usually hate it when he does it b/c he'll do it to ME...like waiting me out when I promise I'll do the dishes or fold the laundry...and then I don't, and he just looks at me with raised eyebrows that SCREAM "I told you so." Normally I laugh at it because he's such a good-natured pain in the butt that I can't be annoyed with him. But MY test was just to stop reaching out...and see if people came and sought me out. I was right, in a way....I still really heard nothing from people I wanted to hear from.
But being right didn't help how left out and lonely I still felt. The people I missed....I still missed. I started getting stupid and paranoid and wondering if they were all just getting together without me and leaving me out on purpose. I saw pictures of get-togethers and parties I never heard about and I got my feelings hurt. So then I do the very grown up and adult thing of putting out some really whiny and emo stuff, especially on Twitter. I'm sure that made me REAL attractive and just made them miss me SO much (ahem....that was sarcasm, in case you couldn't tell).
Yes, I feel like a teenager again. I'm wondering who my real friends are and who just spent time with me because it was convenient...because I was always around at a rehearsal or a cast party or a theatre-related event. And even WORSE than that? I started resenting people...big time. I have lately found myself being completely unable to be happy for certain people and their successes. I recently found out about some people getting this or that or singing at another weekly event that I just can't seem to get on the bill for and I nearly cried. I actually felt that horrible, petulant, temper-tantrum-throwing 5-year-old in me have a FIT and struggle to break through the almost 30-year-old exterior. And NOW I'm just in a place where I am flailing and feeling lonely and thinking I've just ruined everything with anyone.
Man, I wonder why I have any friends at all now that I'm putting this down in writing....
When I'm not feeling sorry for myself I tell myself, and truly believe, that this is another one of God's ways of drawing me back to His arms. That I can't seek approval from others, that that scene I miss so very much sometimes was just a breeding ground for sin and temptation for me and a place for me to just worry about being liked instead of being ME and trying to set a good example for myself and others.
So...why hasn't that been giving me more peace? Well I can't help but think that a HUGE part of it is the fact that I've been completely disregarding my devotional emails every morning. I make sure I don't delete them with all the spam emails I get daily, but I don't stop and read them anymore. I've been told all my life about how staying in the Word will keep me on track, and I know it's true, but I am just so selfish and lazy and BAD about being committed to reading it every day. Even when it's emailed to me with handy links to the scriptures...I find a way to stop doing it. (the preceding has been written in #frustrationfont)
Well, today I finally opened up a devotional email, and with a bad attitude at that. I saw that we were still in Isaiah, and I heaved the biggest sigh known to MAN and just started reading. And this is what I read:
KEY VERSE:
Therefore the Lord longs to be gracious to you,
And therefore He waits on high to have compassion on you
For the Lord is a God of justice;
How blessed are all those who long for Him. (Isaiah 30:18)
CENTRAL TRUTH
God desires to love us intimately, rescue us from bondage, and change our hearts to be more like His. He longs to do this for us—just like He did for the people of Judah—even in the midst of rebellious attitudes and actions.
REFLECTIONS
As I prepared to write this, I was stuck in a difficult season. It was like Matthew 14 where Jesus tells Peter to walk towards Him on the water. Peter does just fine until he notices the wind. That’s when he begins to sink.
When I take my eyes off of Jesus, I begin to sink in a sea of negative thoughts. I allow myself to fall into a vicious cycle of performance-based thinking, trying to do everything right to achieve my own glory and approval from others. I can go on this way for awhile until my “performance” begins to falter. While a “good” performance feels like “life,” a bad performance has me drowning in the sea of self-condemnation. Sounds terrible, I know. That’s why I need Jesus!
Um....yeah. WHY am I always so surprised when God puts exactly what I need right in front of my face??
If you pray...please pray for me. Pray that I will continue to keep my eyes on Jesus and stop wallowing in these horrible, negative, self-condemning thoughts...the "wind" that caused Peter to start sinking. Pray that I will stop caring SO much about the approval of others and worry MUCH more about the approval of my Savior.
Also...I'm trying. Please be patient with me and don't write me off completely as a terrible person or a bitch. I'm just still struggling with the transition of priorities in my life and maintaining a balance and fighting off the Enemy's attempts to make me hateful and selfish and needy. I want to be needy...but I want to need Jesus and His approval. I want to seek Him first, and know that, when I do, "all these things will be added also."
Basically, I'm not going to sound very likeable at all, and I want people to like me. I want people to like me so badly, in fact, that THAT is a large factor in why I struggle and have been feeling sorry for myself lately.
Ever since I started trying to follow God's path for my life again, I have struggled with the performance area of my life. At first, the main struggle was just the WHY of it. WHY was I auditioning for show after show? WHY was I performing? And, selfishly, WHY was I not getting the accolades I thought I deserved? I had to admit to myself that I was doing a lot of my theatrical work for MY OWN glory and not for the glory of He who gave me the talents I have.
So, I took a break. I went several months without auditioning for anything, and I spent a lot of quality time with some friends and more importantly, with my husband. Then some shows came up that I was really interested in, and I started auditioning again. I prayed that whatever the outcome of those auditions, they would be God's doing and I would see the silver linings when and if I wasn't cast. I got a small string of rejections, but each was a success in one way or another and I was feeling good about just getting back out there and creating and being artistic, even if it was only for a few minutes during an audition side/monologue. Then I was finally cast in a beautiful show, which opens next week (see my theatre blog for more info), and the timing of said show allowed me to audition for and be cast in a production for which my husband will be music directing. Perfect! Everything worked out just as it should have to benefit me and my family the most, and I'm thrilled.
Okay...so I feel like I am finally getting some control over the choosing of shows and the balance of my deeply rooted artistic desires and the absolute need to prioritize and put my God, my husband and family before anything else. It's not easy and I am still working on it, but I feel confident in that. Great. But here's what else I've noticed on this break from theatre...
(Also, for the record? Here's where I start to whine. Just sayin'.)
(I'm also going to make some generalizations of theatre people. It doesn't mean YOU, necessarily, so don't get all hurt unless you have reason to.)
I've noticed that my social calendar and my phone got awfully...quiet. Not being in a show, not reviewing shows anymore, and not necessarily having the funds or even the DESIRE to go see 3-4 shows a month anymore has completely taken me out of the "scene." And being in that "scene" for so long is where I got most of my false notions of friendships and the thought that I was actually a part of a circle.
Out of sight, out of mind -- that's how I felt. And how I am still struggling with feeling. I stopped hearing from people, so I tried reaching out. Yes, I used social media, which some would say isn't really trying....but who doesn't? I tried wall posts, messages, texts, tweets...and responses just dwindled or never came at all. I DO recognize that the problem with my job sitting at a desk all day and being constantly able to be online creates the incessant need, at least in me, to have interaction. I know.
Then one day I noticed that I had well over 500 "friends" on Facebook. So, I decided it was time for a purge. I went in with a hard and fast rule: if I hadn't had, IN THE VERY LEAST, Facebook interaction with a person, much less a real-life (read: in person or phone call) interaction with someone since The Producers: deleted. This eliminated over 80 people from my friends list. That was pretty amazing to me. It showed me just how many people I kept around just to keep tabs on or "network" with or make sure they had access to all that I was doing. Silly, right?
I also decided to do what I call a "Michael test." My husband will sometimes test out people just to prove a point...I usually hate it when he does it b/c he'll do it to ME...like waiting me out when I promise I'll do the dishes or fold the laundry...and then I don't, and he just looks at me with raised eyebrows that SCREAM "I told you so." Normally I laugh at it because he's such a good-natured pain in the butt that I can't be annoyed with him. But MY test was just to stop reaching out...and see if people came and sought me out. I was right, in a way....I still really heard nothing from people I wanted to hear from.
But being right didn't help how left out and lonely I still felt. The people I missed....I still missed. I started getting stupid and paranoid and wondering if they were all just getting together without me and leaving me out on purpose. I saw pictures of get-togethers and parties I never heard about and I got my feelings hurt. So then I do the very grown up and adult thing of putting out some really whiny and emo stuff, especially on Twitter. I'm sure that made me REAL attractive and just made them miss me SO much (ahem....that was sarcasm, in case you couldn't tell).
Yes, I feel like a teenager again. I'm wondering who my real friends are and who just spent time with me because it was convenient...because I was always around at a rehearsal or a cast party or a theatre-related event. And even WORSE than that? I started resenting people...big time. I have lately found myself being completely unable to be happy for certain people and their successes. I recently found out about some people getting this or that or singing at another weekly event that I just can't seem to get on the bill for and I nearly cried. I actually felt that horrible, petulant, temper-tantrum-throwing 5-year-old in me have a FIT and struggle to break through the almost 30-year-old exterior. And NOW I'm just in a place where I am flailing and feeling lonely and thinking I've just ruined everything with anyone.
Man, I wonder why I have any friends at all now that I'm putting this down in writing....
When I'm not feeling sorry for myself I tell myself, and truly believe, that this is another one of God's ways of drawing me back to His arms. That I can't seek approval from others, that that scene I miss so very much sometimes was just a breeding ground for sin and temptation for me and a place for me to just worry about being liked instead of being ME and trying to set a good example for myself and others.
So...why hasn't that been giving me more peace? Well I can't help but think that a HUGE part of it is the fact that I've been completely disregarding my devotional emails every morning. I make sure I don't delete them with all the spam emails I get daily, but I don't stop and read them anymore. I've been told all my life about how staying in the Word will keep me on track, and I know it's true, but I am just so selfish and lazy and BAD about being committed to reading it every day. Even when it's emailed to me with handy links to the scriptures...I find a way to stop doing it. (the preceding has been written in #frustrationfont)
Well, today I finally opened up a devotional email, and with a bad attitude at that. I saw that we were still in Isaiah, and I heaved the biggest sigh known to MAN and just started reading. And this is what I read:
KEY VERSE:
Therefore the Lord longs to be gracious to you,
And therefore He waits on high to have compassion on you
For the Lord is a God of justice;
How blessed are all those who long for Him. (Isaiah 30:18)
CENTRAL TRUTH
God desires to love us intimately, rescue us from bondage, and change our hearts to be more like His. He longs to do this for us—just like He did for the people of Judah—even in the midst of rebellious attitudes and actions.
REFLECTIONS
As I prepared to write this, I was stuck in a difficult season. It was like Matthew 14 where Jesus tells Peter to walk towards Him on the water. Peter does just fine until he notices the wind. That’s when he begins to sink.
When I take my eyes off of Jesus, I begin to sink in a sea of negative thoughts. I allow myself to fall into a vicious cycle of performance-based thinking, trying to do everything right to achieve my own glory and approval from others. I can go on this way for awhile until my “performance” begins to falter. While a “good” performance feels like “life,” a bad performance has me drowning in the sea of self-condemnation. Sounds terrible, I know. That’s why I need Jesus!
Um....yeah. WHY am I always so surprised when God puts exactly what I need right in front of my face??
If you pray...please pray for me. Pray that I will continue to keep my eyes on Jesus and stop wallowing in these horrible, negative, self-condemning thoughts...the "wind" that caused Peter to start sinking. Pray that I will stop caring SO much about the approval of others and worry MUCH more about the approval of my Savior.
Also...I'm trying. Please be patient with me and don't write me off completely as a terrible person or a bitch. I'm just still struggling with the transition of priorities in my life and maintaining a balance and fighting off the Enemy's attempts to make me hateful and selfish and needy. I want to be needy...but I want to need Jesus and His approval. I want to seek Him first, and know that, when I do, "all these things will be added also."
January 11, 2011
The Problem with Christian Fiction is...
...that none of it is really believable.
I am by no means an expert or an aficionado of Christian fiction, but I've read a decent amount over the years. I've read the Mark of the Lion series by Francine Rivers, several of Janette Oke's novels and, most recently, Inklings by Melanie M. Jeschke.
I've always enjoyed the reads -- none of them are particularly difficult to follow (some easier than others, some even bordering on "elementary") and they always lift up my spirits because of the strong and apparently unshakeable faith of the main characters.
But that's the problem. I've really yet to read a Christian novel that really accurately documents the struggles of a modern-day Christian. Every single novel I mentioned above is set at some time in the past...sometimes the WAY past in the case of the Mark of the Lion trilogy. None of them feature characters that live in the 21st century and face all of the social and political issues that I face every day.
Also, the characters are so extreme. They're usually one of the following:
I am by no means an expert or an aficionado of Christian fiction, but I've read a decent amount over the years. I've read the Mark of the Lion series by Francine Rivers, several of Janette Oke's novels and, most recently, Inklings by Melanie M. Jeschke.
I've always enjoyed the reads -- none of them are particularly difficult to follow (some easier than others, some even bordering on "elementary") and they always lift up my spirits because of the strong and apparently unshakeable faith of the main characters.
But that's the problem. I've really yet to read a Christian novel that really accurately documents the struggles of a modern-day Christian. Every single novel I mentioned above is set at some time in the past...sometimes the WAY past in the case of the Mark of the Lion trilogy. None of them feature characters that live in the 21st century and face all of the social and political issues that I face every day.
Also, the characters are so extreme. They're usually one of the following:
- a non-Christian, and therefore extremely sinful, debaucherous and generally disdainful of Christians or the idea of what they consider a judgmental God just sitting upstairs making all the boring rules we're supposed to follow blindly
- a Christian who is not completely strong in his or her faith, but still meditates and prays several times a day and has a LOT of scripture committed to memory
- a VERY strong Christian who does all of the above as well as gently chides his or her brothers and sisters in Christ when they stumble, usually making the first example above angry and sometimes violent, and the second example humbly admit that they're wrong and should quickly repent and change.
In the most recent book I read (Inklings), I was the most frustrated with the whole "don't kiss until your wedding day" notion. The author didn't necessarily say that this was the only way to have a relationship, but it certainly did push the issue and go on and on about the benefits of living that kind of pure relationship. Well...what about those of us that didn't? Sure, it talks about God giving everyone a clean slate if he or she will only ask for it...but what if the slate IS clean but you still don't want to have a relationship like that? This author (speaking very clearly through her dashing, pure, godly leading man to the young girl he loves, but wants to treat as a "sister in purity") warns that kissing can only lead down a dangerous path that leads to stumbling in the end. I think this can be so harmful, especially to young people. I have friends who have gotten married after a short time to avoid this "stumbling" and have had so many struggles because of those choices. But that's another story, I suppose.
Anyway the point I'm trying to make is that I don't believe these characters. None of the Christians I know behave like the Christian examples in these novels. Or, if they do? Honestly, I don't hang out with them, because I usually feel like I don't belong in their circle because of my wicked nature.
Honestly, I'd like to see someone like me in Christian fiction. Someone who loves the Lord and desperately wants to live a life for Christ, but who daily struggles and who has doubts thanks to being fairly well-educated and well-read. Someone who is constantly surrounded by wonderful people and good friends who don't necessarily believe the same thing, but who respect her anyway. Someone who wants to lift others around her up, but is more easily dragged down into daily bad habits because of her fear of being offensive or becoming a "shove it down your throat" Christian and furthering the stereotype that Christians are intolerant and pious and "holier-than-thou."
It appears that I'm saying that I want someone to write a book about ME, and give me all the answers in novel form. :)
But in all seriousness, that's my main issue with Christian fiction. I wish someone would write a novel that doesn't put Christians and non-Christians into a completely black and white world where there is little to no gray area. Again, it doesn't mean that I don't enjoy these novels; I just don't find them relatable at all.
If you HAVE read a novel like this, for the love of God (ha!) please share it with me and restore my faith in Christian fiction!
December 31, 2010
2010 -- Year in Review
It's hard to believe that it's the last day of 2010. This has been a wonderful and incredibly challenging year for me as an artist, as a friend, as a wife and as a human being in general. I've learned and experienced a lot and, barring any incidents today/tonight (knock on wood!), it's been a year without loss of anyone in my family! Woo hooo!!!
So, let's recap the year, shall we?? It was a LOT less insane than 2009 was, that's for sure! I don't think I could have handled another year like that, and I certainly would be divorced by now if I'd tried.
I'd say that was a much more manageable year, wouldn't you?? I also kept most of my sanity this time and was able to focus on some Very Important Things such as my very best friend in the whole world getting married:
...and walking 60 miles in the Dallas 3-Day Walk for the Cure:
I also wrote the following reviews for John Garica's The Column before I resigned from that post:
Again, not nearly as busy a year for me. Last year I wrote 11 reviews! So, 2010 was definitely a lot less insane, but because of that, it was also a lot more fulfilling. The projects I did meant so much to me and they are so special to me (not to take anything away from the wonderful experiences I had in 2009 of course) because I was able to take the time over this recent 4 month break and really reflect on them as landmarks in this year. Rather than a blur of images that I have from 2009, each show I did in 2010 stands out clearly.
I also went through some very major physical changes this year that have boosted my confidence so much that I enjoyed that time onstage so much more because I felt better about myself and I was able to do more and have more energy than I have in previous shows.
2010 was also the year that I had a spiritual re-awakening that caused me to even question what I should be doing artistically. I still don't know...in case you were wondering.
However, I do know that I've learned a lot about what I need to focus on (God, family, work) and that I am going to be a lot choosier about shows; picking of projects are going to mean the most to me and challenge me as a performer.
I'd really like to work with some different theatre companies in 2010 and add a non-musical or two to my resume. I've been to four non-musical auditions in the past two months (though I sang at 2 of them, funny enough) and I have already learned so much about what I need to do to improve. I haven't been blogging about these auditions because...well, I'm a little superstitious and don't ever want to jinx them and also...because I know that these auditions aren't always going to result in a role and I don't want to just blog about each audition/possible rejection. That's just boring, so I'll just save that kind of talk for my husband and close friends. You're welcome!
Finally...I've been hesitating about writing this next part for a few days now, actually, but I really feel like I want to share the biggest artistic discovery I've made this year. I am well aware that this is my own personal opinion, and you should treat it as such.
It really does not matter "who you know" as much as people think it does. "Networking" will only take you so far if you don't have the talent and the work ethic to back up all your "connections in the business."
No, that doesn't mean that meeting people in the field isn't important. No, that doesn't mean that you can just say or do anything you want because you don't care whom you offend. It's very important to meet other people in the biz because they are your future colleagues. But it's just more important, I feel, to show those colleagues that you deserve to be there because you are talented and you work hard and your behavior is above reproach. I've grown so weary of all the fake friendships and the walking on eggshells that so many people do around people who do not matter in the grand scheme of things.
In a nutshell: Don't burn bridges...but also don't worry about the ones that lead nowhere. Consider if the bridge you're working so hard to build and maintain is worth the effort and energy. Don't spend so much time looking at what's on the other side of that bridge that you are completely disregarding all the awesome things that are right next to you.
Is the bridge metaphor getting confusing? I'll be clearer: don't say no to projects because you're afraid of what other people will think -- if it's going to challenge and fulfill you artistically: do it. Don't spend hours and days and pieces of your soul keeping people happy who wouldn't do the same for you if it were asked of them, and especially don't do that if it means you're missing completely awesome friendships and relationships that are right in front of your face and so much easier to maintain.
Okay, I'm officially getting off my soap box now! Cheers to an incredible 2010, and here's to an amazing 2011!
HAPPY NEW YEAR!!
January: Show Boat in Concert
Role: Ensemble
Company: Lyric Stage
Read the Review
May: Dirty Rotten Scoundrels
Role: Muriel Eubanks
Company: Music Theatre of Denton
Read the Review
Read Another Review
Read my Recap
June: Encore III –The Divas!
Role: Director and Performer
Company: Denton Community Theatre
Read my Recap
August: The Producers!
Role: Ulla
Company: Denton Community Theatre
Read the Review
Read my Recap
I'd say that was a much more manageable year, wouldn't you?? I also kept most of my sanity this time and was able to focus on some Very Important Things such as my very best friend in the whole world getting married:
...and walking 60 miles in the Dallas 3-Day Walk for the Cure:
I also wrote the following reviews for John Garica's The Column before I resigned from that post:
Again, not nearly as busy a year for me. Last year I wrote 11 reviews! So, 2010 was definitely a lot less insane, but because of that, it was also a lot more fulfilling. The projects I did meant so much to me and they are so special to me (not to take anything away from the wonderful experiences I had in 2009 of course) because I was able to take the time over this recent 4 month break and really reflect on them as landmarks in this year. Rather than a blur of images that I have from 2009, each show I did in 2010 stands out clearly.
I also went through some very major physical changes this year that have boosted my confidence so much that I enjoyed that time onstage so much more because I felt better about myself and I was able to do more and have more energy than I have in previous shows.
2010 was also the year that I had a spiritual re-awakening that caused me to even question what I should be doing artistically. I still don't know...in case you were wondering.
However, I do know that I've learned a lot about what I need to focus on (God, family, work) and that I am going to be a lot choosier about shows; picking of projects are going to mean the most to me and challenge me as a performer.
I'd really like to work with some different theatre companies in 2010 and add a non-musical or two to my resume. I've been to four non-musical auditions in the past two months (though I sang at 2 of them, funny enough) and I have already learned so much about what I need to do to improve. I haven't been blogging about these auditions because...well, I'm a little superstitious and don't ever want to jinx them and also...because I know that these auditions aren't always going to result in a role and I don't want to just blog about each audition/possible rejection. That's just boring, so I'll just save that kind of talk for my husband and close friends. You're welcome!
Finally...I've been hesitating about writing this next part for a few days now, actually, but I really feel like I want to share the biggest artistic discovery I've made this year. I am well aware that this is my own personal opinion, and you should treat it as such.
It really does not matter "who you know" as much as people think it does. "Networking" will only take you so far if you don't have the talent and the work ethic to back up all your "connections in the business."
No, that doesn't mean that meeting people in the field isn't important. No, that doesn't mean that you can just say or do anything you want because you don't care whom you offend. It's very important to meet other people in the biz because they are your future colleagues. But it's just more important, I feel, to show those colleagues that you deserve to be there because you are talented and you work hard and your behavior is above reproach. I've grown so weary of all the fake friendships and the walking on eggshells that so many people do around people who do not matter in the grand scheme of things.
In a nutshell: Don't burn bridges...but also don't worry about the ones that lead nowhere. Consider if the bridge you're working so hard to build and maintain is worth the effort and energy. Don't spend so much time looking at what's on the other side of that bridge that you are completely disregarding all the awesome things that are right next to you.
Is the bridge metaphor getting confusing? I'll be clearer: don't say no to projects because you're afraid of what other people will think -- if it's going to challenge and fulfill you artistically: do it. Don't spend hours and days and pieces of your soul keeping people happy who wouldn't do the same for you if it were asked of them, and especially don't do that if it means you're missing completely awesome friendships and relationships that are right in front of your face and so much easier to maintain.
Okay, I'm officially getting off my soap box now! Cheers to an incredible 2010, and here's to an amazing 2011!
HAPPY NEW YEAR!!
December 13, 2010
One Year Fitaversary!
Tomorrow will officially be one year to date since The Day of Reckoning...aka December 16, 2009. The day I was SO proud of myself for having put together a successful musical cabaret with friends and then promptly went home, settled into bed, looked at my camera (which had been in the hands of a friend all night since I was kinda runnin' the show), and saw THIS:
No....surely that was just a bad picture, right? So I went to the videos that had been recorded of me singing. Here are some screen shots (that I hate): 
Hmmm...but! But! But I'd just seen the rehearsal pics and those weren't so bad, right? WRONG:
I honestly saw myself in REALITY for the first time in a loooong time. I saw a girl I barely recognized. I saw someone that I knew wasn't what I'd been telling myself I saw in the mirror for the past year(s). I proceeded to cry until about 2am, and then the next day, after a long, tearful conversation with my sweet Kelsey, I decided to make the change to change.
That weekend, I bought a scale and weighed myself. The verdict? A frightening and unhealthy 210lbs.
WHAT?! I am 5'3" so there is no way that is healthy. I was in a size 16 pants and wearing size XL tops and dresses. And I was miserable.
So I made a change. I started counting my calories. I started exercising. I registered for the Susan G. Komen 3-Day Walk for the Cure. I set goals (one of which was to lose 40lbs by the next December 16th). I made progress:
I got more confidence in myself, and I was finally able to fall in love onstage*:
A lot...
Are you noticing a trend?
Man...it was a good year... ;)
I played a role that I NEVER IN A MILLION YEARS thought I'd get to play (Ulla in The Producers):
Now my video screen shots were a LOT more appealing:
My best gal pal Anna and I walked 60 miles in November for an amazing cause:
And while last year's holiday portraits were a precursor to The Day of Reckoning (when I first started noticing that I was a lot bigger than I allowed myself to believe):
I'd say this year's show a tremendous amount of improvement and a MUCH HAPPIER me:
My friend, photographer, and one of my biggest cheerleaders, Lynn Michelle, took a few very sexy photos of me to help commemorate the occasion of a year of weight loss:
It's been quite a year. Back when I wrote my Half-Fitaversary post, I thanked a WHOLE bunch of people, without whom I couldn't have done what I did this year. Just go read that post...and even if you're not on there, you reading this allows you to assume you are STILL one of those for whom I am thankful.
I do have to kinda play favorites though...Kelsey and Michael. Seriously I couldn't have done it without the two of them. Kelsey talked me off of SO many ledges this year and celebrated the tiniest victories (1 lb of weight loss per week, etc) as though they were MONUMENTAL.
My sweet husband put up with the very very worst of me, when I'd be ANGRY-hungry (you know what I mean). He also was very sweet about eating what I would cook...and about not making any kinds of comments ("oh a few won't hurt you!") when I avoided chips and salsa, cheese fries, etc. He is a KEEPER.
*Tongue-in-cheek reference to the Musical Theatre Dictionary, where I was able to define myself as a "character actress." Character Actress-noun- Talented women often who are often too fat, short, or quirky to be considered ingenues. Due to their physical shortcomings, character actresses often exhibit great acting tactics and multi-octave belting skills. Sadly, a character actress will almost never fall in love onstage because, as we all know, only pretty people have dreams and genitalia.
No....surely that was just a bad picture, right? So I went to the videos that had been recorded of me singing. Here are some screen shots (that I hate): 
Hmmm...but! But! But I'd just seen the rehearsal pics and those weren't so bad, right? WRONG:
I honestly saw myself in REALITY for the first time in a loooong time. I saw a girl I barely recognized. I saw someone that I knew wasn't what I'd been telling myself I saw in the mirror for the past year(s). I proceeded to cry until about 2am, and then the next day, after a long, tearful conversation with my sweet Kelsey, I decided to make the change to change.
That weekend, I bought a scale and weighed myself. The verdict? A frightening and unhealthy 210lbs.
WHAT?! I am 5'3" so there is no way that is healthy. I was in a size 16 pants and wearing size XL tops and dresses. And I was miserable.
So I made a change. I started counting my calories. I started exercising. I registered for the Susan G. Komen 3-Day Walk for the Cure. I set goals (one of which was to lose 40lbs by the next December 16th). I made progress:
I got more confidence in myself, and I was finally able to fall in love onstage*:
A lot...
Are you noticing a trend?
Man...it was a good year... ;)
I played a role that I NEVER IN A MILLION YEARS thought I'd get to play (Ulla in The Producers):
Now my video screen shots were a LOT more appealing:
My best gal pal Anna and I walked 60 miles in November for an amazing cause:
And while last year's holiday portraits were a precursor to The Day of Reckoning (when I first started noticing that I was a lot bigger than I allowed myself to believe):
I'd say this year's show a tremendous amount of improvement and a MUCH HAPPIER me:
My friend, photographer, and one of my biggest cheerleaders, Lynn Michelle, took a few very sexy photos of me to help commemorate the occasion of a year of weight loss:
It's been quite a year. Back when I wrote my Half-Fitaversary post, I thanked a WHOLE bunch of people, without whom I couldn't have done what I did this year. Just go read that post...and even if you're not on there, you reading this allows you to assume you are STILL one of those for whom I am thankful.
I do have to kinda play favorites though...Kelsey and Michael. Seriously I couldn't have done it without the two of them. Kelsey talked me off of SO many ledges this year and celebrated the tiniest victories (1 lb of weight loss per week, etc) as though they were MONUMENTAL.
My sweet husband put up with the very very worst of me, when I'd be ANGRY-hungry (you know what I mean). He also was very sweet about eating what I would cook...and about not making any kinds of comments ("oh a few won't hurt you!") when I avoided chips and salsa, cheese fries, etc. He is a KEEPER.
I really am thrilled with how far I've come in a year...but I am disappointed that I allowed myself to get so comfortable and lazy, especially once I wasn't in a show (and especially since the 3-Day ended, when I've pretty much been anti-exercise at all after the toll it took on my body).
I haven't gained anything back and I continue to be in smaller clothes, but I would have liked to have reached my goal. BUT! I am not discouraged! NOTHING is stopping me from continuing to work hard and setting new goals.
As of this morning, according to my $10 analog scale (the same one on which I weighed myself that dreadful day), my current weight is 179lbs. For you math folks, that's a 31lb weight loss!
It kind of bums me out that I haven't really lost any weight since my post in June... :-/ But, my body has continued to change and sort of...for lack of a better word...compact. I'm wearing a smaller size jeans than I was in June, so that's good. And it's totes my fault that I haven't worked harder. I know this. But anyway...
Current sizes are as follows:
Jeans: a pair of size 12 jeans that is awful when I first put them on, but baggy-ish (and comfortable) by the end of the day
Dresses: 10
A few key pieces (tops, one dress) that are my BFF: 8
I'd call that a success, wouldn't you? Well, actually I don't care what you'd call it, if it's anything other than "awesome!"
So. **twiddles thumbs** What now?
Well, I go into the holiday season with a renewed sense of "get up off your butt." I feel really good about some upcoming auditions (see my theatre blog for that kind of stuff), I'll be registering for the 2011 3-Day walk probably some time in January...and after that who knows? I think the toughest part is going to be moving forward to reach new goals when I'm really just so happy and feeling so much better than I was a year ago. But I know I can do it.
And now, I leave you with a video. It's a video from the production of The Producers I did with DCT. It's actually not my favorite singing video of myself (Belting + Mandy + Exhaustion = praying to Jesus I'd make it through this song every night), but I love the way I look in it (Vain, Party of 1) and the words are just kinda perfect for how I'm feeling lately (minus the kind of skanky implications). So! On to 2011 and more reasons to "flaunt it!"
*Tongue-in-cheek reference to the Musical Theatre Dictionary, where I was able to define myself as a "character actress." Character Actress-noun- Talented women often who are often too fat, short, or quirky to be considered ingenues. Due to their physical shortcomings, character actresses often exhibit great acting tactics and multi-octave belting skills. Sadly, a character actress will almost never fall in love onstage because, as we all know, only pretty people have dreams and genitalia.
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