Do you like that word? Pregspectations? I made it up last night when I was thinking about the expectations of a woman -- or at least my own expectations -- and of those around her when she is pregnant.
Word combinations. Worbinations. They're fun!
It's not news to anyone who knows me or who has been reading this blog that I've been having a bit of trouble feeling really connected to this pregnancy and this baby. The most I've felt that it's really real was last Friday during and after our anatomy scan ultrasound. I got to see the outline of an actual developing little person inside me, which was super cool. But, overall? I just...don't.
I pray for the baby, of course. Every single day. I think about him/her a lot, especially when I'm in the car listening to music and singing. I wonder if s/he hears me and likes the sound of my voice. I wonder if it recognizes Carmen's barking and Michael's voice. But that only really happens in specific moments.
I have friends who are loving every moment of being pregnant and having these serene, powerful connections to their babies. I'm happy for them, but it makes me feel...well let's just be honest. This is a blog after all. It makes me feel like a bad Mom already.
I have definitely started enjoying pregnancy more, but as of this point in time I don't see myself being the kind of woman who misses being pregnant. I feel great, overall. I'm having fun picking out outfits for myself that challenge me, finding new ways to look cute and incorporate my style into maternity wear. I'm SO GLAD to have started taking the steps necessary to get the house and the baby's room ready. I liked registering (even though each time I've very definitely hit The Wall and started getting overwhelmed). So I'm not miserable and uncomfortable (anymore) (again, yet).
I just really still see this as a means to an end.
Recently, several friends have given birth...and even more will before it's our turn to meet the Little One. Those are the times I get really emotional -- when I see the first photos of the new family. Mom crying as the baby is handed to her. Dad struggling to keep his emotions in check as he holds his son/daughter for the first time....so maybe that's gonna be our strongest memory and emotion, too.
Maybe some people really feel like parents during the pregnancy, but for others it takes holding the baby in their arms. I think I -- we, actually -- might be the latter. Michael and I talked about this last night as I was mulling all of this over, and I talked about this a little with a friend today, too.
Really I think I need to just let go of the worry. The worry that something will be wrong with the baby. The worry that something is wrong with me. The worry about what others think/will think about my decisions and choices. My friend today asked me if I was giving anything up for Lent. I answered that I don't really observe Lent, but I'm not opposed to the idea of giving up something that I don't need...and not just until Easter Sunday.
So here it is. I'm giving up worry. I'm giving up the stress that might even be keeping me from enjoying this (relatively) short process more than I could be. I'm giving up the EXPECTATIONS that I think I should feel just because someone else did/does.
I'm accepting serenity. I'm accepting peace and acceptance. I'm accepting that my experience is valid and it's mine.
Feel free to hold me to this, friends. Just remember to do it nicely. :)