My Secret -- and why it's no secret

Two fierce "divas" at Encore III: The Divas last weekend. Steph and me. :)

I've been thinking about posting something like this ever since I posted my last update -- which was my "half fitaversary," or, six months into my weight loss journey.

Let me just start by offering up a disclaimer. I am not a doctor. I am also not a nutritionist. I am also not a personal trainer. If you want to lose weight successfully and make big lifestyle changes, I suggest that you take your own journey and possibly talk to real, certified doctors, nutritionists, trainers, and the like. Go online and do research for what works for your weight/height/BMI. Try different forms of exercise and see what works for you. What worked/is working for me is not what will work for everyone. :)

Now that I got that out of the way...

I was truly overwhelmed by the responses to my last blog/note and my 6-month, side-by-side comparison photo here on the blog and on Facebook. I mean, I literally sat at my desk and cried....but it was the good kind of tears. I was reminded just how blessed I am with awesome and supportive people in my life. I haven't once had to go through this alone, and it's why I've been so successful in reaching my goals. Basically it was an AWESOME day. :)

I got more than one question/comment asking "What's your secret?! I try it for two weeks and I'm back to eating badly and not working out!"

Well...there's no magic answer for that, honestly. I can tell you what I did, sure. I don't have a problem sharing. But before I do that, I have to say this:

You are in control of it. It's YOUR choice. If you don't really and truly want to make a change in your habits and in your lifestyle, it's not going to work. There is no quick-fix -- at least, nothing that will be long-lasting. Sure, I could have tried the nasty-sounding "cleanse" I've heard so much about, but anything involving maple syrup, lemon juice and cayenne pepper makes me gag. And then, once I started back into my old routine? I'd gain all that weight back. So, really, what was the point?!

I told myself for years that I was going to start eating better, start exercising, etc. Did I ever make any real changes? Nope. It wans't until I looked at myself honestly for the first time back in December that I felt the overwhelming desire to change. I can't tell you how to make that happen. Sorry. :(

So, what did I do? Well, I logged on to SparkPeople and created an account. From there, I entered in my height, weight, age, etc. and how much weight I wanted to lose. It calculated how many calories I should strive to consume in a day (it actually gave me a calorie range, but it was easier for me to find an average and go from there). Then I started counting every. single. thing. I ate. If I ate an apple? I googled "how many calories in an apple" and put it on my notepad on my phone or at my desk. If I couldn't figure out how many calories, I just cut down on my portion sizes.

Sure, I still had yummy food. But I made choices to eat those things. Rather than giving in to the unbelievable urge to make an illegal U-turn and head to McDonalds for an Egg McMuffin, I'd say "on Friday morning of next week, I'm going to get an Egg McMuffin for breakfast." But, I still counted the calories and adjusted accordingly throughout the day. I don't advocate never going out and having a few beers, ordering dessert, etc. But it's all about control and making choices...at least, it is with me.

But wait! It's not all about food! For me, starting with the eating was the smartest choice. Because, if I start with excercise, I start making excuses. "Oh sure, I can eat this -- I worked out today." Wrong.

My good friend Kels encouraged me to take a 14-day challenge. That challenge was to do something that made me sweat for 30 minutes every day for 14 days. It wasn't always the same thing. Some days it was a walk/jog with my dog. Some days it was Yoga. Some days it was Jazzercise, when I was still doing that. It didn't matter as long as it got me off my ass and sweating. That's when I really started to notice the weight coming off more quickly, and that is FUN! :) It got me into a habit of getting some kind of physical activity every day, and now I actually (gasp!) look forward to working out sometimes.

Now I just try to take the same approach with my ridiculously busy schedule. Some friends who ARE trainers and coaches (yes, Jimmy, I hear you!) are strongly encouraging me to find a solid plan to help me reach the next phase of my goals, and I really would like to do that. But, I still try to get some really good sweaty time in 3-4 times a week at least.

So...that's what I've been doing. It's not rocket science, but it may not also work for everyone.

Now, onto the "why it's no secret" part. I've been noticing that a few people don't care for the fact that I put all this out there into the interwebs. "Keep it off Facebook, nobody needs to know your weight," or "you just want attention." Leave it to me to sort through ALL THE AMAZING and positive and find the negative, right? :)

Both of those are valid comments. Sure, not everyone cares how many pounds or tenths of pounds I've lost. But it keeps me honest. I put it out there and I can't lie once I've started. It's accountability and it's worked for me. If you don't care? Hide me. Delete me. See if I care. If you truly care that little about what is that important to me? Peace out. Sorry if that sounds harsh, but I know I've done the same when people have gotten out of control with their political leanings or constant family drama on FB. That's why that sexy little "Hide" button exists! Use it!

I'm not trying to be rude about it, but...I also can't help but thing that those who are the most anti-weight loss-status update may have their OWN weight issues. Why does it bother you so much that I put that out there, otherwise? I'm just sayin'!

As for the "you just want attention" part, well.....come on. DUH. Of course I love the attention I get. You name ONE PERSON (one WOMAN especially) who doesn't love feeling great and knowing they look great, and I'll buy you a big ol' coffee.

Also, as I've said before, the affirmation and encouragement have been invaluable. What I'm NOT doing is fishing for compliments. I don't thrive so much on compliments that I desperately need to get on Facebook and get a stream of "you look great" in order to get through my day. I can look in the mirror, or pull off an old pair of pants without unzipping them to get that kind of affirmation. But yes, I'll admit it: the attention is nice. Sue me. I'm human, I'm a woman, and I like feeling beautiful and FIT. The day I stop getting a high off of that is the day I don't want to wake up. *shrug*

I don't really want to end this on such a sassy note....haha! But I felt compelled to say that. If you don't know me well enough to know that in my heart I am incredibly grateful, blessed, and happy to have the accountability, affirmation, love and support and that's really, overall, why I'm putting this out into the world, then there's nothing more I can say.

Sorry there are no magic formulas, no quick fixes, but I will always answer an email if you want the same support I've been offered. I want EVERYONE who wants to feel better about themselves and make positive changes to feel like I have felt. It's really awesome, and I wish it on you all. :)

Half-Fitaversary

Something this morning clicked in my brain and I suddenly thought "Oh my God...I think it was exactly six months ago that I had the Day of Reckoning." I checked the calendar and....yep. Six months ago today was the first One for Mahler performance...the photos and videos of said performance are what completely shattered my self-esteem.

As I looked at them in bed late that night, my high from a successful performance completely brought back down to Earth, I asked myself "Who is that girl? That cannot be me." But it was.

For whatever reasons/excuses I would like to give myself, I had let myself put on 40lbs in the 8 years since I met my husband. When we met, I weighed 170lbs. You do the math. It's not pretty, trust me. But, I'm transparent about it because I have to be. I have to be honest with myself to others whom I trust and upon whom I rely for constant support and encouragement.

People like my husband, who asked "what can I do?" and I had to answer "NOTHING. Please don't baby me or tell me I look great" and probably sound really really bitchy in the process. Michael has put up with my angry days when I would step over his dead body for a slice of pizza, and he's also been very good about not complaining as I began to cook healthier meals and stocking the pantry and refrigerator with healthier snacks for the BOTH of us.

People like Kelsey, who was a godsend to me on December 17th when, red-eyed and depressed, I cried to her over Instant Messenger about my deeply-rooted desire to make changes. Kelsey has been there for me since that very moment, encouraging me and being my friend, cheerleader, and coach.

People like Kevin, who do not let me wallow in my down days. Who tell me to stop my bitching and go do something about it. To stop focusing on my plateaus and remember how far I've come since I started.


People like Dennis, Jimmy and Kelly, Heather, Nicci and Sarah, who keep up with me on Twitter and keep me motivated and encouraged with health tips and blogs and general awesomeness.

People like Rachel, Kathy, Helina, Ashley, Amelia, OLIVIA -- who are taking their own weight loss journeys at the same time. It excites the hell out of me to see their results, too!

People like Justin, Ashley, Stephanie -- the three people I talk to DAILY that just keep my spirits up and get me through each day.

People like Anna, who is just generally awesome and who is walking The 3-Day with me in a few months! Eeeek!

The COUNTLESS friends on Facebook who are always quick to comment and give me the boost I need and the reminder that what I'm doing IS making a difference.

*cue get the F offstage music from the orchestra pit*

I know, I know. And I left about a gazillion people out of that. Please don't be offended -- you know who you are. And I love you.

As I reflected upon the past six months this morning, I got a little perspective.

I have lost 30lbs in six months. That averages out to 5 pounds per month. I know it hasn't been exactly that way, but it made me stop to think. It's NOT a quick-fix. It's NOT going to happen overnight. It's NOT going to be easy. I didn't put on 40lbs in six weeks. I put it on over time. Over years of bad habits and a basically sedendtary lifestyle. So what makes ANYONE think that it's going to come off quickly and easily? It's not.

But is anything WORTH having acquired easily? I don't think so.

So...30lbs in 6 months. I can see the difference. I haven't been able to STOP looking at the difference all day in these two photos.

I can't WAIT to see what I can achieve in the next 6 months!

A Dirty Rotten Update and "When You Got it..."

Well another show, Dirty Rotten Scoundrels has been put on the shelf. Due to my ridiculously busy schedule at work (the spring months are when all of our biggest deadlines are, and adding a show to that damn near killed me this time around), I didn't blog NEARLY as much as I wanted to about the rehearsal and production process of this amazing show.

I enjoy every show that I do and I always bond with cast members and find a way to love the role I'm playing...but only once in a blue moon do I get truly sad to close one. The last one was Crazy for You, which just happens to have been exactly one year ago. For that one and for DRS, the Monday after closing was just a dreadfully depressing day. I hated knowing I wouldn't do it all over again in a few days, and even listening to the cast recording when it happens upon my iPod shuffle makes me a little blue. It always passes, and I always keep in touch with the people from the cast, but the first few days are a little rough.

This show was particularly special to me for a couple of reasons. The first is indicated in the pictures heading up this blog post (all above). Kenny Fudge, who was the Andre to my Muriel, made this show so special for me. He has been on my theatre "wish list" ever since I saw him act when I worked backstage last summer for Don't Dress for Dinner, and I am so fortunate to have been cast opposite him.

The roles of Andre and Muriel in Dirty Rotten Scoundrels are an absolute trip. They may be secondary plot characters, but they have the ability to steal the show with their fabulous, cheesy (and sometimes dirty!) one-liners, the adorable song and dance number "Like Zis, Like Zat," and possibly the only real moments in an otherwise cartoony show. Muriel is also a very isolated character...all of her stuff is with Andre after a certain point, so I got to spend lots of stage time with this brilliant actor. And I think I fell a little bit in love with both Kenny and his Andre! I am so honored to have been cast opposite him. Kenny is absolutely no-drama, which I love, and his work ethic is incredible. Any time we had down time, we were running lines or talking about why scenes still felt a little off and figuring out how to fix it.

ON the stage, I have never worked with a more giving actor than Kenny. As someone who fancies herself more of a singer than an actress, I can't even say how much I appreciated working with such an amazing actor. His dedication onstage and the way HIS actions brought Muriel out of ME was amazing. I'm so grateful for it, and I think I'll ONLY do shows with Kenny from now on. :)

The SECOND reason this show was so special to me is why I can also post this on my weight loss blog. This show very much felt like a coming out party for me. I haven't been onstage in a lead or supporting role ever since The Reckoning. The last show I did was Chicago, which is when I was at my heaviest. So, some of the audiences have not seen me since I lost the 30lbs (!!!) I've lost since December.

I have to tell you....as much as I love and appreciate every compliment I got on my acting and singing in this show -- probably the most I've gotten yet on my actual performance of a show to date -- I NEVER once got tired of hearing, "Oh my GOD you look AMAZING!" when I'd greet friends, family and strangers after each performance. And honestly? I felt amazing. I felt lighter, my breath support during dancing and singing was better and easier to handle, and I loved all my costumes. I loved how they looked and I loved how I felt in them.

Below is a couple of pictures just to illustrate some of the awesomeness of weight loss. The first one is a picture of my friend Olivia, who was in the show with me (and was also in Crazy For You). Olivia has been on a very similar weight loss journey with me over the past 6 months or more. She has, to date, lost over 55lbs. Since I have lost 30, I felt it necessary to document in a photograph the AWESOME-ness that is 85lbs lost combined:

This picture is just one I threw together when I was scrolling through old Facebook photos last week. The picture on the left is a picture of me after a performance of Chicago, and the picture on the right was taken during the rehearsal process for DRS. I feel like I look SO different (besides the lighter hair color, obviously) in the two pictures. I look YOUNGER in the picture on the right, so I guess it's true what they say, that losing weight can make you look (and feel) younger!



So, speaking of weight loss...I feel like it's time to make the announcement of the next project I'll be working on. I'll just go ahead and come right out and say it and THEN tell the story of how this came to be:

I will be playing Ulla in Denton Community Theatre's production of The Producers this August.

I know, this is VERY unlikely. For several reasons. One, I'm 5'3. Two, I'm not tall and thin with legs that go for days. Three...I'm not a skinny girl.

But, it happened. I'll never play the role again, so I'm going to take my chance since I have it. I need you to know, blog readers, how much I AGONIZED over auditioning for this.

I talked to two very honest, to-the-point friends of mine, who are also directors. I asked them, "If you were directing this show and I auditioned for this role, would you smile politely and then write "fat chance, sister!" on my audition form?" Both of them were honest and direct in their responses and both said something similar to "No, but we'd put you in the maybe file and hope and pray that a tall, leggy Amazon showed up to rehearsals." Okay, so at least I knew I wasn't being completely delusional with the audition. So I went, and I did my best.

Then came the agony of "What happens if I DO get cast? Are people going to see the cast list and scoff? Laugh at the fact that a 5'3", size 10-12 girl is playing Ulla? What are people goign to say to me? How am I going to prove myself? Can I lose another 20 lbs by August if I'm cast?"

Then I got offered the role. And I almost puked. People keep asking me, "Are you so excited?!" The answer deep down is yes...but I have found myself TERRIFIED of what people are going to say/think about this.

I was vague-tweeting about this on Twitter before I was offered the role, and another local actor who is also a fitness coach, Jimmy Hays Nelson, tweeted back to me, "Don't let someone else's opinion of you become YOUR reality." Boom, reality check. Why am I SO concerned about what other people are thinking?

Honestly I could go on and on about this...but I'll save that for another blog. Right now I'm just going to re-focus on making HEALTHY changes in my life, start religiously counting calories again (had a leeeeeeetle too much indulgence over the holiday weekend), and up the ante on my workouts. Not so that I can prove to anyone else that I deserve to play this role, but so that, just like I did in Dirty Rotten Scoundrels, I can walk off that stage every night feeling amazing and confident because I know I have worked hard.

As Ulla says, "If you got it -- FLAUNT it." Bring it on.

Update - with a Vlog!

Some friends and I on Twitter (are you following me?) have recently discovered the fun of Vlogging, which, for those of you not in the know, is Video Blogging.

As I explain in the video, I've been STUCK on this damn plateau of only having lost 25 lbs, and I seriously haven't lost a pound since I reached that milestone. I've even gained (and then lost again) a few pounds here and there since then, which is ridiculously frustrating.

However, I have also been really busting my butt at the gym lately, so hopefully it's just the muscles I'm building up that are weighing more, and those muscles will jump start burning more fat VERY soon.

It's so incredibly hard to keep going when you're trying hard and seeing zero results on the scale. *sigh* But, I know I'm still doing the right thing(s) for my body and for reaching my ultimate goals.

Luckily, I still have the most amazing and supportive network of friends and family who continue to encourage me, even when I don't ask! I went to a party recently thrown by some friends I haven't seen since November, and I left feeling so incredibly good about myself.

I just can't let myself get frustrated. Gotta keep pressing on.

25 lbs...and Plateauing

Down 25 lbs. Picture taken on March 28th, 2010.

Down 22 lbs. Picture taken at The Column Awards, March 8th, 2010.

I realized that I haven't updated on my weight loss goals in a while -- fundraising and the Headshots event (and work and regular day-to-day life of course) have taken up most of my thoughts and time!

I am happy to announce that I am down a full 25 lbs and weighing in at around 186 right now. Unfortunately, that number has not changed at ALL in about three weeks.

I'm not gonna lie....that is incredibly frustrating. If I'm being completely honest with myself I can say that I have slipped a little in counting calories. I got into a rhythm of doing well and not changing my habits, so I stopped actually counting everything I put in my mouth for a while. I think it's time to start doing that again so that I don't continue to plateau or worse....gain weight.

However, I have stepped it up a notch in the working out phase of this process. Now that I've met my fundraising minimum goal, it's time to REALLY focus on training to walk that 60 miles in November.

I work right next door to the Rec Center where I work, and I've started bringing a gym bag with me to work every day. I've gotten to where I go at least three times a week, and I alternate between spending time on the treadmill and the elliptical machine, to give my knees a break.

TWICE this week, on two separate occasions, I have gone three miles on the treadmill -- for a total of about six miles so far. Out of those six miles, I can say that I "ran" almost 5...I say "ran" because my running is about as fast as most people walk, but whatever, I'm doing it. And I feel amazing when I'm done.

It's time to step it up on the mileage for training purposes, though, and I'm ready to start taking advantage of the beautiful weather we've been having and really get out there for some long walks.

That's it for now! Keep sending your amazing words of encouragement, thoughts and prayers to me so that I don't get too frustrated and lose momentum on the weight loss. I appreciate every word, comment, text, Facebook message that I get, and I honestly couldn't do this without all of my supportive friends and family.

Partners in Crime

Sometimes in life, you get lucky to find a friend really early on who will be there at so many important events in your life. Your first college job, for example:

(God we look young) (and thin)

Your first college party (or parties):

(I promise we were 21...I think)

Someone who will, several years later, stand by you as your Matron of Honor on your wedding day:

Someone who, out of alllllll the people our age who are having babies, will incite the first genuine tears of happiness at this news from your not-quite-ready-yet self:

(At Anna's baby shower. Pardon my crazy red hair and crazy eyes)

And someone who, almost 10 years later, will come home from a long day of teaching and let you help give her sweet baby a bath, cook dinner for you, and share an evening of planning for the next big event together:

I am so excited that Anna and I will be doing yet another major event in our lives together.

From the college years, through boyfriends and finally to husbands, weddings and babies -- now as we both approach (gasp!!) 30 years of age, we will, yet again, be standing by one another for a new milestone as we walk 60 miles together in the fight against breast cancer.

I cannot wait to post the pictures of us together on the walk and as we cross the finish line together! I love you Anna Banana!

(this post cross-posted at http://mandywalks60.blogspot.com)

20!!

It's unbelievable how much positive reinforcement goes a long way in this journey. I have the most amazing support network of family, friends and even strangers that are cheering me on as I make my health goals a priority in my life and as I commit to training for The 3-Day.

As of today, I have raised $810 towards my goal of $2,300.

Also, I have lost 20 lbs out of the 40 lb weight loss goal I set for myself.

I have been a bad girl about going to the gym consistently, but I have done everything in my power to be active even on my nights off from the gym. My sweet puppy Carmen has benefited from that, since my activity on non-gym nights usually means a long walk for her and Mommy. But, I would rather be at the gym, at least until the weather warms up (for more than a day) and the days are longer. I really don't prefer walking in the dark in my neighborhood, and Carmen is certainly no protection against would-be attackers. :)

However, when I have gone to the gym, I've slowly been building up my endurance. I'm learning how to control my breathing when I jog and how to be constantly aware of my posture. Even though I'm training to walk 60 miles, I figure it's just as beneficial for me to learn how to run. Because after the 3-Day is over, I'll have to set some new goals...maybe even a 5k or 10k somewhere down the line.

As usual, my husband has been incredibly supportive and is happy for me and proud of me. Occasionally he ribs me about the fact that I'm walking that far, and that I'll be "roughing it" (he got an especially good chuckle over the fact that I'll be sleeping in a tent on the two nights) for 3 days. But of course it's all good-natured, and I know he's proud of me.

My friends have been amazing.

We had a reunion two nights ago (Saturday) for a show we all did together a year ago, Crazy For You, which was also a celebration of two friends being in from out of town AND a birthday celebration for one of the cast members. I haven't seen some of these people since New Year's Eve, and some since even further back than that. Kevin was especially proud:

It was SO UPLIFTING to see their faces when they walked in and saw me, came over and hugged me, and commented, "Oh my GOD look at you! You look so great!"

I really did just get tears in my eyes typing that. I don't know what I did to be blessed with such awesome, genuine friends, but I'm thankful for it because they're here and supportive when I need them the most.

I know I've got a long way to go in reaching my 40lb weight loss goal (much less Goal B Of Which We Never Speak Out Loud) and in being able to walk this 60 miles. But damn. I really do feel like I'm over the biggest hump, which was getting started and believing in myself.

I'm so. excited. to see what happens over the next few months!

(P.S. this post is cross-posted here on my 3-Day blog)